<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Keep On Marching On by 5021Vicxo</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24811696">Keep On Marching On</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/5021Vicxo/pseuds/5021Vicxo'>5021Vicxo</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Chicago PD (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Aftermath of Torture, Depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Hurt Jay Halstead, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Torture, Jay Halstead Whump, Lotta hurt, Multi, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Past Abuse, Protective Mouse, Rangers!Jay, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, halstead brothers, im so sorry</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 12:00:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>67,187</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24811696</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/5021Vicxo/pseuds/5021Vicxo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>'My name is Jay Halstead, I am a former Sergeant with the Army Rangers, I am a Detective with the Chicago Police Department Intelligence Unit, badge number 51163. I have an older brother Will Halstead, my best friend is Mouse. My unit will find me.' When Jay goes missing, is it his PTSD playing up or is there more to the story? Can he be saved? Or is he too far gone? Big Jay whump!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Greg "Mouse" Gerwitz &amp; Jay Halstead, Jay Halstead &amp; Will Halstead</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>186</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Little Soldier</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey its me. I posted this on fanfiction.net but wanted to post on here too. <br/>I'm new and every and all mistakes are mine.<br/>open to suggestions and comments and feedback. lemme know if something doesnt make sense.</p><p>Hope you enjoy,</p><p>Vx</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>*the first day*</p><p> </p><p>‘My name is Jay Halstead, I am a former Sergeant with the Army Rangers, I am a Detective with the Chicago Police Department Intelligence Unit, badge number 51163. I have an older brother Will Halstead, my best friend is Mouse. My unit will find me.’</p><p> </p><p>Jay found himself repeating those few sentences over and over in his head, a tactic learnt from the rangers training, give yourself a few facts to focus on, to take you to that safe space in your mind, where they can't reach you and they will never be able to fully break you. He had been travelling for a few hours now, he thinks, knowing he was out of Chicago but no clue where they were headed. He was so pumped full of whatever drug they gave him that he could feel himself start to slip again.</p><p> </p><p>~ about a hour later~</p><p> </p><p>Jay woke up slowly with a stinging pain in his neck and discovered his arms tied above his head when he tried to rub the grit out of his eyes. ‘What the hell’ he thought, tried pulling at his bindings and realised that he was well and truly stuck. Following the chain with his eyes across the ceiling he noticed it linked to a contraption made to tighten or loosen the chain, ‘ah so they want me on my feet easily? Great, I know what this means’ his thoughts continued.</p><p>At this he took in the rest of his surroundings: no window ‘there goes the ability to tell the time’, one single black metal door ‘probably in a basement, harder to escape’, and a chair with a metal tray next to it with what looks like a sheet covering it ‘probably mystery mans favourite instruments of torture’ his detective brain added unhelpfully. When finishing his once over of the room did he finally realise how quiet it was, and it was that moment when he held his breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop. What was going on? What happened, who are these people and why do they want him?</p><p> </p><p>Loud footsteps cut through his spiralling and not wanting to seem bothered he pulled himself up and stood to let his hands drop, hearing the door open he let his mask of neutral wash over his face and asked in a bored tone “what do you want?”.</p><p>“It would be best if you quickly learnt not to address me that way” the mystery man spoke with an authoritative voice. He made his way closer to Jay, seeing that he was standing and kicked him in the back of the knees so that he was back to kneeling in front of the man, Jay tried hard not to let make a sound but a grunt slipped through. Looking up Jay realised that he didn't have a clue who this man was or why he was taken, he tried to find links to any current or past cases but nothing came forward.</p><p>“Now little soldier don't look at me that way, I came with an offering”</p><p>Jay just looked on, raising a single brow in questioning.</p><p>“All you have to do is have a nice dinner with me upstairs, accept your new home, and it won't hurt. Just submit and there will be no more pain.”</p><p>Jay didn't know what that meant and couldn't decide if he actually wanted to. He looked up, again with disinterest but the mystery man could see through that, could see the wall standing up strong in his captives eyes.</p><p>“Oh, I know all about your little trip to Afghanistan, about the dreams that keep you awake at night, the faces you can't get rid of no matter how much you try to drown yourself in a bottle.”</p><p>Jay shifts at this.</p><p>“Who was your little friend again? The one with the animal for a name? What was it? Oh yes… Mouse, how is he dealing with the guilt?”</p><p>That was it, the straw that broke the camel's back, Jay stood and lunged as far as he was able at the man. He stopped just short of being within hitting distance thanks to the chains wrapping around his wrists, but wasn't far enough unfortunately. Mystery man threw out his arm and a sudden pain overwhelmed Jay's senses, his body tensed and he knew immediately that it was a taser. After a few hits Jay was still silent, just trying to catch his breath and was back on his knees. </p><p>“What did I say about manners? If that's how you act in a civil conversation then we are going to have to fix that, and you can't be going around fighting people in the middle of a conversation.”</p><p>This confused Jay, fix it? Fix what? He still doesn't understand what is going on. While Jay is in his head, thinking things through, the mystery man goes to the wall and flicks the lever, lifting Jay so that he is up straight, hands above his head and his toes skimming the floor. That's when the blows start. Quick, heavy, sharp knuckles against skin. His chest, torso and head all receive the angry hits. He hangs there; arms supporting his full weight, trying to keep his head up and forward, facing the man, yet still he does not cry out, cannot show that bit of weakness. Noticing this, the mystery man hits him again with the taser, then again with his fists, then pulls a needle out of his pocket. </p><p>‘Huh’ Jay thought ‘this is going to end well…’ he starts to panic a bit, tries to pull away but the grip on his hair and the chains holding his wrists keeps him in place. Then the sting as the needle is pushed into his neck and the clear liquid is injected into him.</p><p>Feeling fuzzy, Jay tries to take calming breaths, steady his racing heart, tries to go back to his training. In, count to 4, out for 4.</p><p>‘My name is Jay Halstead, I am a former Sergeant with the Army Rangers, I am a Detective with the Chicago Police Department Intelligence Unit, badge number 51163. I have an older brother Will Halstead, my best friend is Mouse. My unit will find me.’ he recites in his head. </p><p>“Come on Halstead. Pull it together, you've faced worse”</p><p>“Oh and what would that be? Summer ‘08? Or would it be the humvee?”</p><p>‘Did he really say that out loud?’ </p><p>“Oh little soldier, if only you understood what I knew. You’re a fighter, I'll give you that, you haven't shown a sign that my drug is working. Maybe I just need to up the dosage? You know you're really going to enjoy it here, when you learn to behave. It'll be fun.”</p><p>The man was circling him now, Jay didn't know where to look, too busy trying to fight whatever he was just dosed with, internally praying help would come soon, he didn't know what this man was trying to do to him and that, as much as he hates to admit it, scares him.</p><p>Another needle makes its way into his line of sight and too tired to fight, he shifts away, hoping for the best. ‘Nope never mind’ he thought helplessly as the needle plunged into his neck again. He gets another round of punches, a few to the head to knock him off kilter. He thinks he hears people screaming but doesnt think too much into it, too busy trying to focus on the man standing in front of him. </p><p>The mystery man makes his way over to the table and removes the cloth, places the two empty needles down and picks up a small blade, what looks to be a 5 inch blade and slowly walks over to Jay. He drags it up and down each one of his arms, putting just enough pressure to tingle but not break the skin, and finally rest at Jay's jaw line. Pausing to make sure Jay is still looking, the man cups his cheek with the free hand to which Jay snarls and tries to throw him off. The man glares and cuts just below his collarbone, deep enough to scar but not do any muscular damage. Still holding Jay's cheek, the man drew the blade back and made a matching cut on his lower torso, just above both of his hips.</p><p>“Look what you made me do. If you were good that wouldn't have happened.”</p><p>Jay didn't understand, how could this man hurting him be his fault?</p><p>“I d-don’t know wh-what you want f-from me.”</p><p>“Oh Jay, my little soldier, I just want you to be happy, I don't want you to hurt, I want you to be good. Can you be good?”</p><p>At this he drops Jay's head and slaps him straight across the cheek he was so gently caressing. </p><p>“I asked you a question. Can you be good for me?”</p><p>Again Jay didn't understand so just nodded and finally dropped his head to the sound of screams filling his mind.</p><p> </p><p>‘My name is Jay Halstead, I am a former Sergeant with the Army Rangers, I am a Detective with the Chicago Police Department Intelligence Unit, badge number 51163. I have an older brother Will Halstead, my best friend is Mouse. My unit will find me.’</p><p> </p><p>The man stepped back with a grin on his face, he could see his little ones lips mumbling through a phrase. ‘Soon he will understand’ he thought, ‘soon there will only be me’.</p><p>And with that he stormed out the room making sure to slam the door on his way out, peaking back to see the flinch make its way over Jay's face, and smirked. </p><p>“This will be fun”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. He Promised</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>*At the district - the next day - 8.30am*</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey Halstead, I swear to god you better have a good excuse for bailing and ghosting me last night” Ruzek shouted as he came bounding up the stairs into the bullpen, coffee in hand, and was met with the blank stares from the rest of the Intelligence Unit.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Um Jay’s not here yet, we thought you were him.” Hailey's response is what stopped him dead in his tracks.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What do you mean he's not here yet? He practically lives here. Come off it, you're messing with me, he's in the break room isn't he?” Adam replied with a cautious laugh.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nah man, his cars not here, great detective you are, missing it.” Antonio taunts. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At this they all break out into giggles, yet are starting to grow concerned for their team mate, because yes Jay is usually always the first one here, and even when he's late he's ALWAYS in before Adam is. Voight senses the growing unease and tells Kim to trace his phone. After hearing it at his place, he tries to keep a level head when telling Atwater and Ruzek to go check it out and to drag his ass through the roll up if he's still in bed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After having a few laughs over this in the bullpen, the boys find their way to outside Jays apartment door, and upon realising neither have a key, and pounding on the door will earn them a few complaints they kick it open. Rather deal with getting a new lock for Jay than the paperwork of noise complaints from the neighbours, they think.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Walking into the main room they can see nothing is out of place, everything is military tidy, “of course Jays a neat freak” Adam observes, however they do find an empty bottle of whisky overturned next to his bedroom door, and again nothing out of place here. </span>
  <span>They don’t fail to notice his phone on the couch in the living room and his gun, loaded on the coffee table in front.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A clatter comes from somewhere within the apartment and they turn, guns raised to see Will step out of the spare room, baseball bat in hand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What the hell guys! What are you doing here? Jays at work.” Will said startled.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Umm, no he's definitely not. That's why we're here. When did you get here? Did you see Jay leave?” Atwater started, trying to figure this all out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I got off a 20 hour shift, just came in, saw Jay's phone, knew he would be here if that was and crashed in my room. That was about 4 hours ago. I got up because I heard the door get kicked in, which by the way you are paying for. Why what's wrong?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Atwater stepped away to call Voight, while Adam kept on it with Will.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jay didn't turn up to Molly's last night, wasn’t answering my texts or calls and didn’t come into work this morning.” Taking a breath he continues, worried, “He's been off recently, since the Camilla thing, have you noticed anything different? From a brother point of view?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Other than being more withdrawn and acting skittish around the house. It's weird it's kinda like when he came home the second time, only Mouse isn't here to help. Do you think that's got something to do with it?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Doc-” Will stopped his pacing to face Adam “Has he ever disappeared like this before? And this may sound like a weird question but bear with me on this one. What state does he keep his bedroom in?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This got Will thinking, “I don't know I think a couple times but he always had Mouse. And his room? What does that have to do with anything? How will that help fi-” “Doc! Please I'm being serious here!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay okay! Usually tidy, like not immaculate, bed made but like a teenage boy did it. Now tell me what does that have to do with anything.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This raises the hairs on the back of Adams neck. He catches Atwater’s eye, making his way towards Will,</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think you should come down to the district for us, it could help.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>*Back at the District - midday*</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“So what you're saying is you think Jay’s just wandered off?” Kim voiced, “that's not like him”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Adam sighed, going over it again, “no not wandered off, think about it he's not been all here these past few weeks, his undercover case confirms it. Sarge, I think he needs help. The morning we caught that case I found Halstead in the break room mid nightmare and when I called him out on it he said he was taking a nap. It was 7:30am. He hasn't been sleeping and always looks hungover or like he could blow over but would never admit it. He's been fighting this alone and I think that case broke whatever was holding it all back. Will back me up here!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah Adams right.” the elder Halstead stepped forward. “Jay’s been acting like he did when he came home the last time, he's not sleeping well and when he is he's having these dreams that are so vivid it takes him a minute to come back. I've seen more empty bottles than I care to count but I brushed it off thinking the guys had been round while I was at work but it's all adding up.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Right, okay. Try and get in touch with Mouse, find out what we can do to help find Jay, check pods and street cameras surrounding his building and get in touch with your CIs see if they have anything from when he was under with Camilla. Will, Adam, my office.” Voights orders were dished out, everyone rushed off to do their part in bringing back their brother. While Adam and Will found themselves in Voights office.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I want the full story. Adam I know you missed something out and Will any other information, family, friends, past health checks count and can be useful.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After repeating the story again Adam kept looking over to Will to gauge his reaction to all of this, wondering if it was safe to finally say what he left out in the bullpen. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“WHAT? Why are you looking at me like that, what are you not saying to me?” Will finally burst out. With a look and a nod from his sergeant, Adam ran a hand down his face and crossed his arms, as if to protect himself from the memory.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“There was an empty bottle of whisky on the floor, in the doorway to his room and his room was pristine, like military grade tidy. There was a, um his gun was loaded and on the coffee table in the living room, where we found his phone. It was um i-it the s-safety was off. It looked ready to use.” Adam rushed out, looking down at the floor, willing back tears.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He wouldn't though would he? Will, would he?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Voight looked over from his distressed team member to the shaking redhead “Will?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He promised.” Will breathed out, shaking his head, anger growing. “He fucking promised!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Voight sighed, ignoring Adam growing more concerned and pushed on “Promised what, Will? Whatever you say in here stays in here. It could help, we need to know everything.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That he would come to me. The next time he felt like this he would come to me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At this Adam paled, “Next time?! When was the last time? What's going on Will?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Falling back onto the couch Will practically word vomited his and Jay's past out to Adam and Voight, knowing Jay would be mad but felt he could trust the growing father figure in the room.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And yeah so he was basically depressed when he was younger but somehow got accepted into the rangers despite all the scars and clear issues and from there everything somehow got worse. Coming home between tours was like meeting a new Jay every time. He was always good at hiding and putting on a brave face in front of me and our dad no matter how hard he had it he never backed away. Can't run away from yourself for long though. And the last time he came home, god it's like he was a completely different person, I didn't know who he was and he sure as hell could barely remember his own name half the time. Mouse pulled him back more times than I can count, until he couldn't and I saw the full extent of how broken Jay truly was.” Will finished with a sob. Adam backed away and rushed out of the office and landed in the break room, door slamming.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The three inhabitants of the intelligence floor sat in their own silences, relishing in the implications of Will's story and the detail of Jay’s apartment. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This silence was broken approximately 25 minutes later, Adam counted, with Hailey and Kim rushing up the stairs, phones in hand. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sarge, I think you wanna see this.” </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Just One Smile</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>*a week later*</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jay didn't know what day it was, what time it was nor how long he had been here. Wherever here was. He was now strapped to the chair in the corner of the room, arms and legs bound, making him unable to curl up on himself, something he was craving to do. Make himself small, like when his mom would come hug him after a particularly rough day with his dad. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everything hurt. That he was sure of. It took too much effort to try and fight his way out, his energy nearly depleted. He hasn't ate, or slept much, only getting the odd bottle of water, and that just made him feel all tingly. A good tingly, he wasn't sure of yet.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘My name is Jay Halstead, I am a former Sergeant with the Army Rangers, I was a Detective with the Chicago Police Department Intelligence Unit, badge number 51163. I have an older brother Will Halstead, my best friend is Mouse.’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jay thought through his mantra, not daring to say much aloud as he didnt think he could handle another beating quite yet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You see there's something different here though. Somethings missing. Something changed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘My teams not coming’ Jay thought, that one phrase overpowering everything. An undetermined (3 days) time ago none other than Hank Voight, Erin Lindsey and Antonio Dawson, the people he thought he could trust found him, beat him and told him he wasn't worth saving.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He had just had another round of whatever was in the needles and was starting to get that heavy fuzzy feeling when what sounded like guns came out through the haze, the door swung open and in walked his Sergeant, former partner and mentor. A smile came to his battered face, ‘finally’ he thought, some hope. Boy was he mistaken. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>In summary they each took turns in hitting him, tasing him and just generally hurling abuse his way. Jay didn't understand, what were they doing? Why weren't they helping him? Voight turned and told him he was off the team, how could he trust someone who couldn't save himself, who let himself fall. Antonio turned his back on him, calling him a murderer, and Erin, the woman he loved, who he was to propose to, told him he was just a toy, someone to play with because he was useless at everything else. Because why would someone love something so broken, and when she realised this she left. They all left. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Then Mystery Man (as Jay has dubbed him) came back, with another needle in his hand, and a key in the other. A choice. If he's good and takes the drug he can get out of the chains, which after a moment he agreed, because why not, no one was coming for him, might as well forget for a moment. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The needle went in and again the fuzzy feeling came, stronger with less resistance. He was moved from the chains and placed in the chair, that's when the gift of water started.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Now unknown to Jay he had been in the chains for 3 days and now in the chair for 3 days, but has been drugged for all 6 of these days, for the water he so readily drinks is laced with the drug, just enough to keep him floating, still grounded but just a bit lighter.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘My name is Jay Halstead, I am a former Sergeant with the Army Rangers, I was a Detective with the Chicago Police Department Intelligence Unit, badge number 51163. I have an older brother Will Halstead, my best friend is Mouse.’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After reciting his mantra again, he thought of Mouse, what would he think of all of this? Who would help him when he got back from his tour if something happened to Jay here? If the team gave up on Jay would they give up on his friend? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now’s when the tears first start. Mouse was his best friend, he has to help him. He misses him. Wishing that he would just burst through the door like he did that base back in the valley in ‘08, everything would be okay. Mouse would help. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How's my little soldier doing huh?” a voice boomed, cutting through Jay's thoughts. “Oh no little soldier, don't cry, self-pity isn't a good look on you. Aren't you tired? Tired of fighting? Just apologise and you can come back upstairs.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Apologise? For what? Jay thought, what could he have done wrong while being tied down? And back upstairs? Back?! When was he last upstairs? Everything was starting to feel heavy, yes he was tired, yes he was tired of fighting, no he couldn't sleep, he can't hear the screams again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I-i d-don’t und-understand. I - why ca-cant I feel anyth-thing? Whatre you doing t-to m-me?” he managed to slur out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh you want more water? I can get that for you but you have to do something for me first. I need you to smile, open your eyes and smile.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What? He didn't ask for water, did he? But he couldn't help himself but to nod, his brow creasing in confusion. When had he shut his eyes?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on little soldier, just one smile, it's not hard. You'll feel better”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It took him a second, and a few stabilising breaths but he managed to raise his head and opened his eyes to a lazy squint and a sloppy smile came to his face. He started to giggle, not realising how long it had been since he had smiled. Then a flash went off, and the confused look returned to his face as a bottle of ‘water’ was shoved in front of his face, a plastic straw poking out for him to use. He felt like a child, another giggle ripping from his throat. The mystery man stroked his head with one hand, the other holding the bottle, the photo of the drugged, dazed and giggling detective on his camera beside him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Now little soldier, what was it you were asking me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jay couldn't think, must not have been important. “I can't move” he pushed out unhelpfully.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah about that, I can’t trust you quite yet” Jay huffed at that “now now, no need for that tone, what I meant was I can’t trust you with yourself, have you seen your arms and ribs? Covered in little cuts, old and new, you did that, that's why I strapped you down, so you couldn't hurt yourself.” Mystery Man explained.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That made sense but something in Jay's head was pushing through, saying he had been clean for years, even after Erin left, he hadn't put a single mark on himself purposely in years. Jay started to shift, started to fight his restraints as he realised something was wrong here. Definitely wrong if his drugged, sleep deprived brain noticed it. He started to fight harder, pulling at his restraints, wrists going raw, starting to bleed, leaning forward he managed to head butt the man across from him, a satisfied smirk crossing his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You will regret that, you ungrateful prick. I take you in, care for you, protect you from yourself and you repay me by hurting me? No, not today, not ever. I've played nice, but it's time you were punished.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That made Jay shiver, if the beating was playing nice he feared what was about to come. His restraints were tightened and a cord was pulled from the table in front of him. Knowing what was about to come, he took calming breaths, looked up at the ceiling, wishing to be back in a haze, fogged up and existing. Here he was about to fight for his life again. He lost sight of the man as he crossed behind him and lifted the cord over Jay's face and lowered it to his neck. He got his knife and made a deep incision in the middle of his chest, which made Jay gasp, and he took that opportunity to tighten the cord and cut off his oxygen as he tried to reign it back in and calm down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Black spots started to dance along his vision, and just when Jay thought it was the end, the man loosened the cord and while Jay gasped for air, the man startled him by injecting him in the neck again. The effects were immediate, Jay started to feel fuzzy, and his air supply was cut short again, this repeated, just without the needle for a couple more times and the man left Jay laying on the floor in just his boxers after cutting him from the chair and stripping him of his clothes. Jay finally got to curl up into that ball he so craved to be in, hugging himself tight as he shivered through the drug effects.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*two days later* </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>If Jay thought he couldn't get any lower, he thought wrong. Rock meets bottom. Okay, maybe poor choice of words but it made him giggle nevertheless. The bottle and straw reappeared at some point and Jay couldn't help himself to it fast enough. That's when the man also reappeared. He just sat in one corner watching Jay as he pulled himself into a sitting position, his arms still hurting from the strain of holding himself up for an unknown amount of time. Jay looked around, felt something dig into his ankle, rolling his head over he realises he's chained to the floor by his ankle. He's also sat on a bed, which confuses him more.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘My name is Jay Halstead, I am a former Sergeant with the Army Rangers, I was a Detective with the Chicago Police Department Intelligence Unit, badge number 51163. I have an older brother Will Halstead, my best friend is Mouse.’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Whats going on?” Jay asks, finally looking up at the man.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were having a nightmare little soldier. I came to make sure you were alright. Do you want something to drink?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That's something else Jay noticed, he never hears his name, hasn't heard his own name come from someone else in, he can't recall.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What day is it? Where am I?” Jay continued asking.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want something to drink? Some water?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He saw Jay perk up a bit at this, but still trying to look controlled and calm, Jay not noticing the shivers wracking his body. Knowing withdrawal would kick in soon, the mystery man walked towards Jay, bottle and straw in hand and offered it to Jay, letting him drink for himself this time. He knew he would never get enough of watching his little soldier taking the drug himself, unknowingly but still gripping the bottle and drinking for himself, his own choice. He sat next to him, started to stroke Jay's head, watching the drug take hold, the glassy look came over Jay's eyes and he knew he was ready.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good boy, always such a good boy my little soldier. Should we see just how good you can be? Lay back for me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And before Jay could think to stop it, he was unable to do anything other than fall as he was pushed back onto the bed. He closed his eyes and just prayed that this was another nightmare.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Oh Jay</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey,<br/>hope you enjoy this chapter.<br/>I kinda dont like the ending and this is longer than the others based on the flashbacks.<br/>MOUSE IS HERE!</p>
<p>Also... ya girl has finished her 2nd year of Uni!! wahooo, pass the alcohol!</p>
<p>any and all mistakes are mine - please lemme know what yous think :) </p>
<p>Vx</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“You've got to be fucking kidding me. Nothing, we've still got nothing! It's been over a week, he can't be that good at hiding!” Adam spat out, a rush of anger flooding his system as he threw his mug into the sink and watched it smash. Will came rushing out of Voight’s office at the noise and pulled Adam in for a long overdue hug.</p>
<p>“I know, I’m scared too. It's Jay, my baby brother. This is killing me too. Come on, Voight’s got some news.”</p>
<p>Walking back out of the break room into the bullpen both the men notice everyone standing in a huddle near the top of the steps. A mop of brunette hair caught Will’s eye and as everyone stepped back his smile grew, he ran over and pulled the man into a big hug.</p>
<p>“God Mouse, it's good to see you! How come you're back? Thought you had another 2 months.”</p>
<p>“Yeah good to see you guys too. When you got in touch about Jay I knew I had to get back, we finished early so I handed off all the paperwork to everyone else and got here as fast as I could. How long has it been since he's been missing?”</p>
<p>It took a short while but once they had caught Mouse up with where they were in Jay's case he blurted out “this aint like Jay. If you checked the cabin in Wisconsin and everywhere in the city then he didn't run away. You also said he left his gun? If he was planning on anything or was in some PTS dream he would have grabbed it. He always grabs his firearm, no matter the situation.” </p>
<p>The team looked amongst themselves, Will fell into the nearest available chair (which just so happened to be Jay’s) and Voight just sighed and rubbed his hand down his face and rested it against the back of his neck.</p>
<p>The Intelligence Unit sat in silence, each taking the time to re-evaluate the situation.</p>
<p>The group seemed to be in two parts, Will and Mouse together, Mouse’s hand resting on Will’s shoulder to offer support and keep themselves grounded. The rest were off to one side, whispering to each other, each trying to think of a new lead or anything to help figure out where Jay was. After around 5 more minutes of this weird tension they heard footsteps rushing up the stairs, Trudy appearing not too long after.</p>
<p>“Guys.” she paused, looking around the room, “this was just dropped off, the envelope just says ‘regarding Jay’. Thought it best if I brought it up before the patrol got any glances at anything.”</p>
<p>“Thanks Trudy,” Voight said, hoping his voice did not express the fear he was trying to hide.</p>
<p>“Just find him, bring him home. Let me know if there's anything I can do.” </p>
<p>With that she retreated back downstairs, putting a brave face on once again, ‘<em> god Halstead, come on kid, come back to us’ </em>she thought, pushing the gate open.</p>
<p>Intelligence all surrounded Will at Jay's desk, Hank having handed the envelope over to the brother and best friend, letting them know they were taking the lead on this, the rest would follow at their pace.</p>
<p>Will and Mouse look at each other and with a nod and a squeeze on the shoulder from Mouse, Will slowly opens it, tipping the contents onto the desk. </p>
<p>What came out surprised them. There wasn't any usb, no video or anything. Just a flip phone and 4 photos. Will gasped in shock, shaking his head and muttering ‘no’ repeatedly under his breath, Mouse took a small step forward, picking up a photo, shoulders slumped and whispering. Voight looked at the two boys and had overheard what Mouse had whispered to himself “not again. Oh Jay, not again” this worried and confused Hank for there were many different stories that could be attached to those words. Looking at the rest of his unit, he sees the girls have turned away, Hailey subtly wiping under her eyes, Kim turned into Adams chest. The latter had his arms around Kim while one of his hands covered his mouth in shock, finally he looked over at Kevin, who was much like the rest of his unit, trying to stay strong but clearly feeling for their hurt friend. </p>
<p>“Alright, everyone see if Trudy has any information about how we acquired this package, check the district's cameras and any street pods, Adam see if you can get anything from this phone before it rings. Hook it up to our systems so that we can get a trace when it does ring.” at that everyone looked up but didn't move. “NOW” Voight shouted, knowing they were now losing time. </p>
<p>Everyone rushed about, heading off to do whatever they could to keep busy and get information, however Will and Mouse still had yet to move.</p>
<p>“Hey, come on boys, how about we go into my office. It'll be quieter and we can have a little chat, calm you both down”</p>
<p>Will looked over to Mouse and saw that his hands were starting to shake, along with his breathing speeding up, and decided there and then that he had to look out for Mouse, it's what Jay would want. And so doing what he knew best, he assumed the big brother role, pushed his stress aside till he knew it would be okay, and gently eased Mouse over to Voights office.</p>
<p>“Come on Mouse, why don't we head in here. I’ll get you a coffee or a water in a minute but let's just sit in the office for a bit. You gotta slow your breath a little for me buddy. Come on you got this.” Will kept whispering words of encouragement as he settled Mouse onto the couch and Voight closed the door after the, the photos in hand.</p>
<p>“Will, Mouse. I know this is going to be quite difficult for you both but I need you to take another look at these images and tell me what your mumbling was about out in the bullpen. Remember, everything you tell me stays in here. Anything you tell me may also help Jay when the time comes, so I need you guys to talk to me, not hide in your heads.”</p>
<p>Will looked up first, pain and fear branded across his face clear as day. Leaning forward, his hand landed on the first image of a battered and bruised Jay laying, curled in on himself, in the middle of a bed, a chain around his ankle. A tear escaped Will’s eye, “he looks so little” he choked out “I don’t think he’s looked this small or scared since he was 10.”</p>
<p>“What do you mean by that, Will? Have you seen him like this before?” Voight pressed.</p>
<p>“Yeah” Will cleared his throat, continuing on “I don't know what or how much he's told you guys about his past, although knowing Jay I'm assuming absolutely nothing” they all let out a small chuckle at that, knowing Jay kept his personal life close to the vest. “So you've both met our dad, Mouse you've had your fair share of run ins with him, but Sergeant Voight, everything you think you know about Jay or everything he's tried to put across was a lie. He’s not this strong protector by nature, he had to become that. And he thinks that everything is all his fault.” Will huffs, leaning back on the couch, getting lost in a memory.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> 13 year old Will walked through the front door, noticing the lock isn't on and immediately rushed up the stairs to find his brother. He threw his school bag through his bedroom door and practically kicked Jays door in trying to get to him. “Oh my god Jay!” Will didn't think he'd ever seen him this bad, “hey baby brother, wake up, come on show me those blues” he'd been reduced to a puddle of tears, fear and pleading with Jay. As soon as Will’s hand landed on his shoulder, Jay flinched back, awake in seconds curled up against the wall. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, please, I didn’t mean to. Please dad.” Jay mumbled out. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> This breaks Will's heart, his baby brother is so out of it he thinks he’s their dad. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “Jay, hey lil bro, it’s me. It's Will. Come back to me.” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “Will? I thought you were at school?” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “I was. It’s like 4pm? What happened? Where’s mom, I thought she was staying with you today?” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Their mom worked at the kindergarten down the road from the school the boys were at. Jay was off school sick that day, migraines he had said, and so their mom said she would stay home and look after Jay so that their dad could go out for the day. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “She got called in, one of the kids wouldn't calm down and kept asking for mom. Dad didn't like that too much. Started shouting at mom, and she left. And then dad couldn't go out and he got mad. It’s alright though, I’m fine.” Jay said, shaking his head, sniffling and backing away from Will's outstretched hand. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “No Jay it’s not alright.” Will said with a sigh, “where'd he go? The door was unlocked when I came home?” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “I don’t know, he threw me against the wall and then slammed my door. I don't remember what happened after that. It’s my fault, I shouldn't have gotten sick.” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “What?! Jay you're kidding me now right? How is this your fault? How is dad beating you and then leaving you your fault?” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Jay crumbled at this, falling into his brother's arms he cried out “IT IS! If I wasn't ill then mom and dad wouldn't argue and you wouldn't be worried and dad wouldn't be angry with me. And he said - he said that…” He started sobbing, Will slightly pushed him back so that he could see his face. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “Said what? Jay what did he say to you?” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “That it is my fault, that none of this would be happening if I wasn't born. He didn't want me, never has.” Jay said in a rushed whisper. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “HE SAID WHAT? Jay, come on you know that none of that is true. Mom and dad would have found something  to argue about, whether you were sick or not. I'm worried because my baby brother was laying in a ball when I got home, a different shade of purple and red than the last time I saw you, which again is not your fault. And you being born is in no way a fault of yours! He’s the one at fault here.” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Jay just nuzzled further into Wills chest, seeming to be trying to hide from the world. “I’m tired Will.” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> And Will's heart just shattered. Into about a thousand pieces. Knowing the list of meanings behind that. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “I know brother, I know. Why don’t we lay here till mom gets home, you can have a nap and I'll stay with you.” they shuffled around the bed till they were laying down, Jay’s head on Will’s chest, “come on Jay just close your eyes, mom will be back soon.” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Jay looked up at his big brother, his eyes glistening with tears and fear, “You promise?” he asked. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “Yeah bro, I got you, I promise.” and with that Jay fell asleep with his brother's arms around him and a kiss on the top of his head. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Wiping tears from his eyes, Will took one last look at the image of his now 20 years older but still baby brother, and placed it back on Voights desk. Sighing and rubbing his hands down his face he looked over to Mouse. ‘<em> I got him little bro, I promise’. </em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>Mouse however was facing his own inner turmoil, looking at the image of Jay tied up, arms above his head chained to the ceiling. </p>
<p>Voight cleared his throat, not wanting to startle the man, “Mouse, what are you seeing, where is that head of yours taking you? Talk to us kiddo.”</p>
<p>Mouse coughed and stood up, needing to be moving to tell this story, needing to do something if he is going to spill one of the toughest days he and Jay saw overseas.</p>
<p>“Um the valley. I’ve seen him like this before.” Mouse hung his head and Will’s head darted up to follow his pacing.</p>
<p>“We’d just gotten the call, we just had to finish this last mission then we could go home…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> It had been 3 days. 3 days since Jay went missing from his spot atop one of the buildings. His rifle was still there, his radio and pistol thrown beside it, a puddle of blood covering the ground where he stood. ‘Oh good, at least he fought back’ Mouse thought to himself as they packed everything up to head back to base.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Once arriving he stormed straight to his commanders office and begged to be let out to find Jay. 3 days later they are finally ready with a plan of action. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “Alright guys listen up.” Mouse started, looking at the group he was detailed. 4 men, 3 of which he had worked with before, who trusted Jay as a leader and offered to help out. The other, Callum Taylor, came along after hearing about the young sergeant being taken. He had heard about the young sergeant, rising through the ranks quicker than he had known for a young one, one of the best snipers the rangers had seen and one of the most trusted leaders by a platoon. This was his chance to meet him and see if he is all that he is cracked up to be. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> The raid went as smooth as one could hope, taking each room and each doorway as quickly and efficiently as they could. Shoot down the enemy, move on, find Jay. That's all Mouse could think about as he went room to room searching for his missing friend. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “Alpha four to Alpha two do you copy?” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “Go for Alpha two,” Mouse replied. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “I think we got him Mouse. This door closed, north east corner last room. You better get here before we enter, he’s gonna need you.” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Mouse took off running, carefully making his way to the last room. The one holding Jay. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “Okay boys what do we see?” he asks, meeting up with the rest. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “Scanner detects 3 bodies, assuming one of them is Jay. We can all handle the other two, you just get him out of there. We'll meet you back down at the humvee.” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “Okay then, 3. 2. 1. Break”  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> They stormed the last room, the guys taking out the two guards, but Mouse only had eyes for Jay. Lidded eyes looked up, head slowly tilting to match, meeting his own. Jay who hung there like an animal, strung up by his wrists, shirt on the floor, pants hanging loose and heavy with blood. His sergeant, who never showed his pain, always looking strong, looked relieved then scared and defiant in the space of two seconds. His best friend, who always had his back no matter what. His brother, who mumbled his name and rank and shied away from him. Jay, who Mouse didn't think he would see again. Jay, who Mouse knew needed him now more than ever. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> They got to the humvee, having to sedate Jay in the process, and sped to the closest field hospital. Mouse knew Jay would somehow remember this day, somewhere down the line it would come back. He would pretend like he couldn’t, that it didn't happen but Mouse knew he could never forget the look in his brother's eyes when he pushed the needle into his neck. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Mouse looked up at Will, checking to see how he was reacting to the information about his little brother's time overseas. Will looked devastated, his elbows on his knees, hands holding his head as he stared at Voights desk. </p>
<p>“What about that one boys,” Voight said, voice gentle, “Why did you turn this one over?” he continued, gesturing towards the image of Jay looking high out of his mind, eyes lidded and a small smile on his face.</p>
<p>“I don't know if that's our story to tell Sarg. I know you said everything would help but this.” Mouse stopped short.</p>
<p>“This was back home. We were trying to help. He didn't leave the apartment, or if he did we didn't see him with anyone else. This one is just us three. Can’t be helpful if there's no outside person involved.” Will finished Mouse's thought. He couldn't get that memory out of his mind, the image of Jay so drunk and high that he couldn't think straight. Shouting out in a language Will couldn't understand, one that had Mouse flinching away from him. Will would give anything to get rid of that thought but the image in front of him pulls it all forward with a vengeance, and with just one look at Mouse he knew the feeling was mutual. </p>
<p>They needed their brother back.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Dull Eyes Meet Dull Eyes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi, its me...<br/>Here with an apology for this taking so long and yay because I kinda have a few ideas of where to go with this.</p><p>I finally finished this chapter, I had a few beers and watched Hamilton (AAHHHHH XD) so i was pumped. It's now 3:30am here in the UK so...</p><p>Just a quick Trigger Warning for this chapter, mentions of past abuse, and 'explicit' mention of self harm. Please reach out if you need ANYTHING.<br/>Also a couple time jumps, if it doesn't make sense lemme know.</p><p>Enjoy,<br/>Vx</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>just adding another TRIGGER WARNING for mentions of self harm in this chapter... another note at the end but please reach out if you need support xoxo</strong>
  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘My name is Jay, I have an older brother Will, my best friend is Mouse.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn't know what time it was, what day it was or where he was. Come to think of it he didn't know much just Jay, Will and Mouse. He tried repeating those three things over and over in his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“my name is Jay, my brother is Will, my best friend is Mouse.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then a straw appeared. And all his thoughts shut off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh Little Soldier, what were you saying, what's wrong. You can talk to me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t - I don’t know what - I?” Jay managed to stammer out. “I’m sorry”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This had the man smirking down at his captured friend, eyes still foggy, in a daze. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, no need to be sorry, why don’t you come upstairs and we will give you a shower. You must be dying to clean yourself up.” he said, stroking a hand down Jay's cheek, in what would be seen as a loving gesture. “Let’s get you upstairs, away from all the pain. You can have a shower and lie down on a real bed. I think your punishment is over little one.” Jay only nodded in return, not wanting to say the wrong thing and have his punishment dragged out any longer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And so the man unlocked Jay's ankle and had to basically carry him upstairs due to how weak Jay had become. Helping him shower, the man couldn't hold himself back as he took in every inch of the younger man in front of him and pinned him against the tiled wall of the shower.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jay awoke on a bed with just a sheet to cover him in a new set of boxers, hair still damp, confused. He took in the room around him, the walls were a murky cream, the bed sheets a dark grey, heavy dark curtains covering the window. He dragged his aching body out of bed and over to pull the curtain back, stopping after just an inch, his eyes not used to the light.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah, you're up. How did you sleep in your new bed? You were moaning in your sleep. Anything you want to talk about?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jay whipped his head around towards the voice so fast he felt a little dizzy. Not realising someone was in the room with him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Um what time is it. How long was I?” he stammered out</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh don’t worry yourself with that nonsense, little one, what's really on your mind? You can tell me.” the man tried to push, trying to see what Jay could remember. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jay took a step towards the man, taking a deep breath and looking up he says “Where was the sand? I keep dreaming of sand and fear and I don't know why.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There’s a sudden burst of pain across his right cheek, and a look of anger in the man's eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Never ask me about that ever again. Never mention that to me ever again. Am I clear?!” he bellows in his face, Jay just nods, shoulders coming up, fear and confusion. The man cups his cheeks with both hands, leaning closer saying “I’m sorry, I shouldn't get mad but you just say the wrong things sometimes. I'm sorry, my little soldier.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Um, I…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sir”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, Sir, I sh- shouldn't have asked. I’m s-sorry. I just get con-confused and I can't remember some things” Jay said, bowing his head, blushing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s ok, you just mess up sometimes. It’s not your fault you’re stupid.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jay looked further down, shaking his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry” the grip on his chin got tighter, “I’m sorry, Sir.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That's ok little one. Maybe it would be better if you didnt talk. Saves you making any more mistakes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jay looked up, opening his mouth to say something, quickly closing it to nod his head instead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s get you to bed, ok? Maybe you need to sleep this off.” he says pushing Jay towards the bed. Jay stumbles and that somehow sets the man off. The hitting returns and he can taste blood, his lip reopening, and then he goes cold. The boxers have been removed and there's a blinding pain, then darkness.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~~~~~~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘My name is, I have a Will and Mouse.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My name is J… My name is… My name?” he found himself whispering under his breath, not being able to form a full sound. Trying to think back he can't remember the last time he heard his name or any name for that matter. Did he even have one?  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He knew, some time ago, he had been moved from the dark room and was now lying, curled in on himself on a large bed, the soft comforter pulling him down into the grasps of sleep, his fingers tracing the cuts and scars covering his side and arm. Memories of a life lost running through his head as he slips into a fitful sleep.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>There was a man, sitting against a tree, cradling his ribs with his split knuckles, blood dripping into the grass. “Stupid, stupid, stupid” the man thought. Blue eyes filling with tears, glassed over from the booze, broken glass on the floor around him. Two tours under his belt, a drunken argument with his father, both throwing words in a slur, his father's fists flying, him taking it all. “A murderer. A murderer for a ‘son’. You can't take a bit of pain? After all you inflicted?” being drilled into him with each punch. Running out the house to collapse at a random tree in a woodland in the middle of a park, the closest place he could think of to hide.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The scene changed to a younger version of the man, late teens, home between tours. Being woken up mid panic attack, hands gripping the white ceramic bowl of the sink. Water dripping off his face, he looks up into the mirror, dull blue eyes meeting in the reflection. Feeling anger bubble through his body his fist flies out and smashes into the mirror. Relishing in the pain he felt, snapping him back into reality, he gently picked up a broken shard, holding it between his forefinger and thumb he inspected the shard. If he held it at just the right angle he could still see the reflection of those dull eyes shining back at him, he shifted it so that he held it in a tight grip, the pain calming him. Needing that calm and control, he dragged the mirror across his wrist. Blood bubbling up to the surface, no where near deep enough to cause damage but enough to bleed and scar. Repeating this action he was able to control his breathing, finding his ability to control himself again, and upon cleaning up the mess, donned a long sleeved top and went back to bed.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jay woke up in a cold sweat, jumping out of the bed, breathing erratically. Stumbling around the room he found the door to the bathroom attached, and practically fell towards the sink. Much like the man in the dream, he found himself gripping the pristine ceramic bowl, trying and failing to raise his head to look into the mirror. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After standing for some time, the cold tap running, periodically throwing water on his face, he gains the strength to look up. Dull eyes meet dull eyes. A once striking blue has faded to a dull navy, the light and shine gone. Pale skin and sunken features was a glaring image facing him, shame and anger raising in his gut, gripping his heart. With a cry of rage he threw his arm forward, fist tight, smashing it into the mirror and again like the man in the dream, gripped a shard in a closed fist. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The pain blossoming across his hand distracted him from the fear he was feeling, and with the dream in the forefront of his mind, he dragged the edge of the shard across his already scarred and red wrist, blood bubbling to the surface. His face held a small smile, barely there but one side of his mouth was upturned, finally feeling some semblance of control. Holding his pain and his ability to decide on it close to his chest he slid to the floor. A tear rolled down his cheek, he dropped the shard into the small puddle of blood next to him and let out a sob. A feeling of calm and bliss washing over him, something he had not felt since the water and the straw stopped appearing in his line of sight. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He knew he had to get up, clean up, for sir would not be happy with him if he saw the mess he had made, but in that moment he found no haste to do so. Gently he stood, taking time to not slip or fall and cause more damage, and picked up the remaining shards, placing them in the bin. Leaving the blood and water on the floor, he dragged himself back to bed, wondering when the man he had come accustomed to would appear. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With thoughts of doubt, fear and a sense of peace, he again fell into a disturbed slumber.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good boy. Always such a good little soldier. Sleep well little one, you've a big day tomorrow.” The man whispered, after entering the room to find Jay asleep, his wrist covered in dried blood. Stroking a hand through the younger man's hair, whispering to him, things he wishes he could do to him and memories of their time together, to solidify his hold over the ex soldier next to him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A big day tomorrow indeed.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>HI again, just a note about Jay's thoughts towards the self harm. As someone with 'experience' in this area I would like to express that this reaction is taken from my experience. The need for the control, being able to calm the hurt inside with external pain, that I could decide played a big role for me. I would also like to again express the fact that I am here if anyone is struggling or need support in any way, please do reach out, to me or a loved one, we want to help. The same goes for any issues or topics raised in this fic xxx</strong>
  </span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. I Think I Know Who Did This</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Heyy,</p><p>Enjoy this new chapter, may be a while before the next one, I've been invited for a week away with my boyfriend and his family, so wanted to get this out so I wasn't leaving you with nothing.</p><p>lemme know what you think.<br/>again all mistakes are mine :)</p><p>Vx</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>*at the apartment*</p><p>Will and Mouse sat in a tearful silence. It had now been one month and a week since Jay had gone missing. The unit, Will and Mouse had exhausted every option and theory there could be towards what had happened to him. They had watched every traffic cam and pod, watching him enter his apartment building after work but nothing looking strange other than 2 men stumbling out, presumably drunk, stumbling away to their car, caps hung low. A few hours later they watched Will enter the building then no further movement. They had watched the footage, too many times to count, different angles and speed to figure something out, anything.<br/>The photos they had been sent were strewn across the coffee table, surrounded by coffee cups and empty beer bottles. The flip phone still staring at them in silence, both willing it to ring. </p><p>“WAIT!” Mouse suddenly yelled out, Will’s head snapping over to him, the first sound he had heard from the younger man in a couple days. “Will, the back of this picture. I think I saw something written there.”</p><p>“Mouse, what are you talking about?”</p><p>Mouse grabbed the photo, the one they have tried to ignore. Jay from the waist up, eyes lidded and a dopey smirk on his face, covered in cuts and bruises. He notices a straw in the bottom corner of the image, pointing it out to Will to mention to Voight when they were finished , and gently turned it over. Mouse stills, eyes wide.<br/>“Hey Mouse, buddy? You okay?” Mouse doesn't react, “Greg, come on bud, talk to me.”<br/>The second Will's hand rests on Mouse's knee he is up like a dart. Starting to pace and mumble, Mouse squeezes his eyes shut, hoping that it wasn't true.<br/>“Hey Greg. You gotta breathe, talk to me. What is going on?” Will says, an authoritative tone to his voice. Mouse finally stops his pacing, snapping his head towards Will, seeking the authority and comfort at the same time.<br/>“I um I think I know who did this. We gotta get to the district, we need to talk to Voight and the team.”<br/>At this bit of news, Will grabs their coats while they shove their shoes on and head down to the car.</p><p> </p><p>~ 21st district ~</p><p> </p><p>Will and Mouse practically sprinted up the stairs to the Intelligence Unit, the photo of Jay gripped tight in Mouse’s hand. Voight and the rest of the team, expecting their arrival, were all sitting at their desks giving the newcomers the space to talk. Will had an enthusiastic yet scared look on his face whereas Mouse’s look held pure anger and fear. Voight could sense the conflicting emotions emitting from the pair and the change in atmosphere in the bullpen, took a step towards Mouse, nodding at Will to ease them to a desk to sit down.</p><p>“Hey Mouse. What do you have there? Will said it was important on the phone.”</p><p>“It’s Jay.”</p><p>Voight sighed, looking back at the team, a silent order sending them to the locker or break room. Once the room was empty, he tried again.<br/>“Mouse. If you know something you gotta tell me. Jay needs us. He needs you, Greg.” he said in a hushed tone, calm but commanding. Just what Mouse needed, something to ground him, the familiarity of authority helping to keep him in the present.<br/>“I know who did this” he pushed out, voice cracking, “I know who has Jay.”</p><p>Mouse remembered back to the mission to rescue his then Sargeant. There was an older soldier with them, one he had never met or heard of, volunteering to help get Jay back. “Callum Taylor. It was Private First Class Callum Taylor.” <br/>Will looked up at that, recognising the name from a story Mouse had told after a particularly rough night with Jay. Voight looked confused, trying to piece the small bits of information together, he asked “Who is that Mouse? Why would he take Jay?”</p><p>“He was with us on the rescue mission to get Jay in the Korengal Valley back in 2008. He had been taken from his sniper perch and was gone for 3 days before I managed to talk the Major into letting me lead a small team to get him back. We had 4 men, 3 of which were from Jays unit, trusted him as a leader and needed to get him back. The fourth was an older soldier, served multiple tours but had no intention to progress up the ranks. He had heard about Jay, rumours spread quickly when you're that young and leading your own team in battle and are one of the best snipers and top ranking in your year intake. I guess he wanted to get him back, protect him almost, but see if he was all that he was cracked up to be.” He paused to take a breath, making sure Will was ok to hear this again and to see if Hank was following his rambling. He watched Hailey place a coffee mug in front of him, noticing Will and Hanks had one two, offering up a smile he looked back down at his intertwined hands. Once he knew they were alone again and taking a deep breath he continued his tale.<br/>“The mission went as smooth as could be hoped for, surprisingly we got in and out with relatively no injuries. Well, except for Jay. He was in pretty bad shape, didn’t even recognise me at first, just mumbling his name and rank. Whispering, asking me to not hurt him. I managed to get him to see me, see who I was, that I wasn't going to hurt him” he took in a shaky breath, trying to hold back the tears, and stay present. For Jay. “We had to keep him chained up so that Bat* could do an initial check, make sure he was okay to move. He was a bit banged up and heavily bleeding but we could get him down and to the humvee. But when we went to take him down he started to try and fight us and we didn't want to cause him further pain so we - um - I had to sedate him.” </p><p>Mouse could feel his stress bubble to the surface, he slammed his fist against the desk yelling out a slew of curse words, and started pacing again. Will and Voight could only sit and watch. Knowing there was nothing they could do but sit and listen to the younger man, offering support but staying back so that he can work through his thoughts in his own way. </p><p>“We got down to the humvee and started to head back to the base but Jay was coming round. And we didn't have a clue what to do to calm him, knowing he could take all of us, even in the state he was in. That's when Callum stepped forward, a protective figure, caring, and he started to whisper in Jay’s ear.  Rubbing his hands over his shoulders, massaging the ache from being strung up for who knows how long. I managed to catch a small bit of what he was saying as I was gripping his hands in mine, my head resting on his chest, taking that moment before being surrounded by doctors and superior officers to have a break. Remind myself that we got him back. We got Jay back.”</p><p>Voight was starting to see the dots but was still missing some connectors for the big picture. Will just sat there, listening to this story a second time didn't make it easier, and rubbing his hands over his face, wiping evidence of tears away, he went to finish his coffee. Hearing his breath pick up, Will springs out of his seat, trying not to crowd the younger man but trying to show his support, “Mouse calm down. You got him back. You got him home. Now we’re going to work together with the team and WE will get him back. We’re going to get Jay home. I promise you.”</p><p>At this, Voight chimes in, “Mouse. I need your head present. What does this have to do with Jay going missing this time around.” shaking his head at the fact that this is the third time to his knowledge that Jay had been kidnapped. “Mouse, what’s the link. What am I not seeing?”</p><p>“Get the rest of the team out here, they can and may need to hear this part.” Mouse instructed, knowing he had protected Jay’s past as best he could, but knew the team needed this bit of information.<br/>The rest of the unit came out of the break room, each holding a beverage of some sort, offering a bottle of water to Will and Mouse before heading to their retrospective desks. Once they were all settled and looking towards Mouse and Will for direction, the latter patted the former on the shoulder, squeezing gently, a reminder that he was there for him. Voight started first, trying to catch everyone up to speed, without giving too much away. So in true Hank Voight fashion, in a tone that left no room for discussion he gave them the details they needed. “Callum Taylor, Private First Class in the Army Rangers.  He helped Mouse on a rescue mission in Korengal Valley in 2008. It was Jay. That's all you are at liberty to know. Mouse, over to you.”</p><p>Everyone sat in silence, taking that bit of information in, looking around the room to see the others reactions, mostly blank, not trying to put Mouse off or show emotion. They all turned towards the soldier in the room, willing him to give them more information.</p><p>With a sigh he stood up, and took a step forward, “Yeah so Callum Taylor. I hadn't thought of him in years but then looking at that photo of Jay and thinking back to that last tour, I just - I don’t know - something felt off. I turned the photo over, I’d already had the front seared into my brain but I didn't realise there was writing on the back till this morning. ‘Sargeant J. Halstead, Little Soldier’. I read that and I was just thrown back into that humvee with Jay and all I could think about was what Callum was saying to Jay to keep him calm. He kept whispering to him, calling him ‘Little man’ or saying he was a  ‘brave Little Soldier’.” he paused then. Staring down at the image of Jay, focusing on his eyes, shining amid the bruising, trying to keep his breathing calm.</p><p>Anger lacing his voice, Voight barked out orders to the rest of the unit, “I want to know everything about this man. Where he was born, any properties he owns, any of his medical or military files I want opened. Look into the people he knows, friends, relatives. I want this man found and I want him alive. Get me everything on him. NOW!” </p><p>Everyone rushed about, finally having a lead, some rushing to their CIs, to their desks or to the tech room downstairs to access everything.</p><p>Will and Mouse went to the break room, knowing there wasn't anything else they could do but be there for each other. Members from the unit periodically poked their heads into the room, making a coffee, grabbing a bottle of water, making sure they were ok.</p><p>“He’s coming home Will,” Mouse said, nudging his shoulder.<br/>“I know, all thanks to you bud. We’re going to get our Jay back.” Will replied, turning to smile at his little brother's best friend. </p><p>We will find him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>*Bat = nickname for one of the guys in Jay's unit. Short for Combat Medic <br/>The ranks and that should hopefully be right if my research into the Army Rangers is correct.<br/>Full respect for anyone who fights for their country!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Two Words. Two Names.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>HI, I'm back!! I had the most AMAZING week away and if I knew how to post a photo I would post one of the most stunning beach sunset and morning coffee views EVER just to make yous all jealous!</p><p>Also I am so sorry I have no idea what this chapter is or where it came from so MANY apologies. Its kinda short but the next chapter will hopefully make up for it...</p><p>Again - all mistakes / issues are mine, lemme know what you think :)</p><p>Small trigger warning for self harm again sorry lads...</p><p>here if yous need me for any topic/issue raised in this story.</p><p>Love you guys, Vx</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He woke up, feeling drained, not knowing when he last felt refreshed after sleeping. He's having nightmares but by the time he's awake he can't recall any details, even if he tried. </p><p>Sir has been out of the room for a while, and not wanting to disappoint or anger he quickly gets up and straightens the bed sheets. Brushing his teeth and wiping down the sink he sits patiently on the floor, back to the wall, eyes exploring the room.<br/>
He realised he hadn't really taken in the room he had spent who knows how long in, knowing there was a window with heavy curtains but he got in trouble the last time he tried to open them. A large bed in the middle of the wall, grey sheets, black pillows, mattress kinda sturdy but surprisingly comfy, and a side table, with a locked drawer and all he knows is that it means pain sometimes. And finally two doors, one leading to the bathroom, the other is the one Sir uses when he comes and goes.<br/>
The room he is in looks about as empty as he feels, everything in it representing a part of him: the desk = locked up, the bed = dull, the window and heavy curtain = so close to something but he just can't see through and the bathroom = hiding and hurting. </p><p>Still sitting against the wall, legs curled up, arms resting on top, he wondered why Sir had yet to enter. The man usually knew when he was awake and came in a few minutes later, so something must be wrong. He took one last look around the room and settled his sights on the door, taking a deep breath he pushed himself up and stumbled towards it, still not feeling one hundred percent, grabbing the handle and twisting, he found it to be unlocked. Swinging the door open and taking a step out he sees stairs and another door on this floor, realises he's upstairs. He goes out towards the stairs and hears floorboards creaking, suddenly panicking, not remembering if he was allowed out or not and so just stood there, like a deer in headlights.<br/>
“Well, what do we have here? Where do you think you're going?” Sir’s voice boomed across the hall. He just bowed his head and shrugged his shoulders, seeing shoes appear in his vision of the floor, he shied away.<br/>
“Answer me!” Sir yelled.<br/>
“I-I do-don’t kn-kn-know. I’m sorry Sir” he croaked out, throat hoarse from misuse. “I went to look for you.” he said, with more strength to his voice.<br/>
“Oh Little Soldier. I was on my way to our room, did you miss me Little One?” Sir said, his grip on the younger man’s chin changing to caress his cheek. He nodded his head as he was led back to the bedroom, being pushed onto the bed. He couldn't tell if he was in trouble or not, as Sir reached over to unlock the draw on the table. He pulled out a chain and secured it around his neck, and tied his arms to each side of the bed. He felt vulnerable, exposed but knew he was safe with Sir. He felt a pin prick in his neck and everything went fuzzy then he felt the breeze as his boxers were removed and he closed his eyes to the oncoming pain.</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>He was sat, some time later, against the cool tiled wall of the bathroom, trying to calm his rapid breaths. He woke up in a panic, covered in sweat, alone. His immediate reaction was to go to the bathroom, no clue why. And so curled up in a ball against the wall, he let sobs wreck his body. He tried to think, to sort his thoughts out, get things in order but nothing came to mind, he can't remember anything other than Sir, the chains and pain. He couldn't remember his own name, or anything remotely important but couldn't find it in his heart to care. He lifts his arms to run his fingers through his hair but stops short, feeling the cool chain around his neck, his breathing picks up and not being able to calm it he finds the shard of mirror he hid behind the sink and without thinking drags it across his thigh. Counting to 10 before he is able to control his breathing he hits his head off the wall behind him, punching the ground with a closed fist, letting out a cry. Shutting his eyes he falls into a restless sleep in the bathroom. </p><p>~~~~~</p><p>He finds himself waking, again in a cold sweat, yelling out two words, two names. And realising he is still in the bathroom, clutching the mirror shard, he carves into his arm, trying to keep those names close to him. Knowing they were important as they were the only thing pushing through the fog, and not wanting to forget them. Tucking the shard away, he heads back to the bedroom, hoping Sir won't be too mad about the mess in the bathroom.</p><p>Stepping over the threshold he was immediately slammed up against the wall, a knee in between his legs, one hand gripping his jaw, pushing it into the wall, he let out a whimper.<br/>
“What do you think you are doing?” Sir pushed out through grit teeth. He was answered with another whimper.<br/>
“I asked you a question. What do you think you are doing?” Sir got in his face now, the anger practically rolling off him in waves.<br/>
“I um I just I had a bad dream and you weren't there and I'm sorry, I don't know what I was doing” he cried out “I’m really s-so-sorry Sir.” he stuttered out, trying to stop crying.<br/>
“Clean up in there and come sit on the bed. QUICKLY!” Sir barked out, punctuating the words with a slap to the face and a shove towards the bathroom.</p><p>Once he was done he slowly made his way over to the bed, meeting Sir’s eyes with his own sad gaze, fearful for what was to come.<br/>
“Ok then Little Soldier. You’ve been naughty, you lied to me and you disrespected me in my home, MY home. I took you in, I saved you, I CARED for you, and this is how you repay me? By hurting yourself, lying to me? I’m trying to fix you, teach you lessons but you go and defy me yet again.” Sir ranted, but he didn't understand much of it, fear clouding his mind and pain flooding over him as Sir's grip on him got tighter and tighter. One of Sir’s hand’s trailed up to the chain he forgot was around his neck, pulling the back of it, he felt his breath be stolen from him. He was pushed off the bed onto the floor and Sir unleashed a flurry of punches and blows to his ribs and torso, taking a rest his foot finds its way to his fresh cuts, pressing down causing him to yell out in pain.</p><p>Sir pulls him up and throws him on the bed, a final blow to the head and another prick in his neck and he can't tell where the fuzzy feeling is coming from and if the dizziness is from the needle or the blows to the head but he can feel himself slipping again.</p><p>“Maybe we should go back to no talking. You don't want to say anything wrong. And you did say you didn't know some things so it would be best if you just did not speak anymore, alright my Little One?”<br/>
He could only lazily nod in response, close to blacking out.<br/>
A small “I’m sorry” slipping past his lips as he sighs and the world around him goes dark.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Jay Taylor</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey,</p><p>Got this chapter out quicker than I thought.<br/>Shorter than I wanted but BIG things coming up next chapter...</p><p>Again any and all mistakes are mine.<br/>Lemme know what you think,<br/>enjoy,<br/>Vx :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Okay, we have a Private First Class Callum Taylor, dishonourably discharged from the Rangers in 2009” Ruzek bounds upstairs into the bullpen, slapping the army photo next to the most recent dmv photo onto the whiteboard filled with information of Jay’s disappearance. The man was 40 years old, dark blonde hair, greying, about 6 foot and a stocky build. He had a few inches and years on Jay, which gave the team an idea into how he got Jay out of the apartment.<br/>
“It say why he got the discharge?” Voight inquired, Adam shook his head “Mouse any idea? Or can you get the records unsealed?”</p><p>“Um there was evidence of him having borderline personality disorder and after an episode involving Jay after his debriefing following the final mission, he was removed from active duty pending investigation.” Mouse began.<br/>
“What does that mean, what happened?” Will asked, trying not to push but knowing they needed answers.</p><p>“So a symptom of borderline personality disorder is the extreme fear of rejection and abandonment, both real and imagined, and it would seem he had formed this dream about him and Jay, that they were destined to be together, that's why he had to come save him, but afterwards it just ran wild. He wouldn't let anyone else near him while he was recovering and he kept calling Jay ‘Little One’ or ‘Little Soldier’, I don't think he heard his first name for two weeks, between Taylor and the medics using his rank all the time. He looked so confused the first time I called him Jay, and when I tried to intervene he just exploded. Taylor went on a rampage, destroyed his barracks and threatened to kill himself and Jay if he couldn't leave with him. So we got a hold of him, sedated him and the Major sent him back Stateside for further investigation.” Mouse finished explaining, looking around the room at the stunned faces of the Intelligence unit.<br/>
He looked up at the full whiteboard, and the one next to it with Jays academy photo, and newspaper clippings of his ‘achievements’ in both the army and with the CPD. Shaking his head and heading to the break room for more coffee, Mouse tries to push the memories to the back of his head, needing to be present for Jay.</p><p>“Alright, I want his last known address, any family or friends with any properties. Callum Taylor is unstable, possibly going through a prolonged episode and he needs help. Check his credit cards, ping his phone, we need to find him.” he paused at his office door, taking one last look around the room, he continued “I don’t think I need to tell you how serious this is. We finally have a lead on one of our own, Jay has been missing for two months and we finally have answers. We go in hot, I don’t care what we do as long as we get Jay back safe and Taylor in the cage, alive. GO!” he barked out, storming into his office.</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>Three hours later the team was sat outside Taylor's last known address, his childhood home, in full tactical gear, Mouse in the van with Will ready to provide the emotional support should it be needed.<br/>
Hailey had found the address after spending time trying to dig further into Taylor’s records, finally found a recent forwarding address in Lincoln Park. After alerting the team, they were ready and in the car within minutes, record time if they were checking.<br/>
They had been sitting at the house for half an hour now, just waiting for movement, when Voight got agitated and ordered the team to breach the house.<br/>
Upton, Antonio and Burgess breaching from the front, Atwater, Ruzek and Al from the back door, while Voight stayed in the car with Will and Mouse. </p><p>“Chicago PD” yelled Upton and Ruzek as Antonio and Atwater broke the doors down, they entered, guns drawn and checked each and every room. Shouts of clear came from all over the house, echoing over the radio into the truck with Will, Mouse and Voight. Then silence, until “Sarge, I think you better come see this. We’re in the basement” came Al’s calm voice. They bolted for the doors, Mouse entering first against Voight’s orders and they made their way down to the basement. He stopped head in his tracks once he reached the bottom of the stairs, Will crashing into his back.</p><p>“What the ever living fuck”<br/>
“Yeah, what Mouse said”<br/>
“Gloves on everyone, look through it all, find me something” came Voight.</p><p>Looking around the basement they saw that every inch of wall was covered in pictures and newspaper clippings of Jay, desks were lined with maps and lists of Jay’s schedule. There were photos of Jay doing mundane things, going on a run, grabbing a coffee, doing the lunch run for the unit. Jay at crime scenes, images of Jay in Afghanistan, group photos of their ranger unit in their fatigues, Mouse had to look away at that one, knowing he and Jay were the only two to survive from that tour. There were also images of Jay, standing with a beer in Mollys and with a bottle of whiskey in his apartment window. After rooting through the images stacked up, no longer having space on the walls, Adam pulls out two photos that seemed the most recent. One was a photo inside his apartment, his eyes red rimmed, from the drink and from holding back tears, teeth worrying on his lower lip. And the other a selfie, of Callum and Jay, a date on the back.<br/>
“That’s the night Jay went missing, he was supposed to meet me in Mollys.”<br/>
Everyone paled even more, if that was possible.<br/>
“Right I want forensics down here now. Take pictures of everything then bring these two recent photos back to the district. He’s been here recently. Lets go” Everyone jumped back into action, the shock wearing off, leaving them all with a new burst of energy and sense of hope. They were close.</p><p>~~~~~~~</p><p>Back at the district, they had the new pictures stuck on the board, alongside the crime scene images of his schedule and the photos of his apartment when he was taken. The photo of the empty whiskey bottle at his bedroom door and his loaded gun on the table staring them all in the face, they were missing something but would know what till Jay was back with them.</p><p>“So we have two men leaving the building at 1:45am, one stumbling drunk, the other holding him up, both with caps hanging low. Then we have no other movement until Will enters at 4am. So that must be Jay and Callum.” Antonio starts.</p><p>“We’ve looked into known associates and other properties that may be under his name and have found a house up on the border of Edison Park, under the name of Jay Taylor. He set up a new house with Jay’s name. And I’ve sent the address to all your phones. There's a basement and two bedrooms, one en-suite both upstairs.” Adam finished.</p><p>The room was filled with energy, everyone already heading to vest up, Mouse grabbing Jay's spare firearm from his desk drawer and vest from his locker, tucking his military issued knife into the sheath on his ankle, ‘old habits die hard I guess’ he thought to himself. He met up with everyone, including Will paired with his medical bag, and looked to Voight, daring him to argue with him.</p><p>“Alright, lets go.” Voight said, voice seeming extra gravelly.</p><p>Mouse lay a hand on Will's back, being the strong one, feeling calm with the familiarity of the vest and gun holstered to his right thigh.<br/>
“Lets go get our boy back.” Mouse chuckled, grinning over at Will.<br/>
“Try not to get your hopes up Mouse, please I don't want to see you hurt.”<br/>
“Nah I got a good feeling about this one, trust me, Jay always trusted my gut. Never done me wrong yet.”<br/>
After a quick hug, they jump into Voights awaiting car, speeding off to the new location.<br/>
‘You're coming home Jay. We’re coming, just hang in there buddy.’</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Hey Buddy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Heyyyy,</p><p>This is a couple days later than planned. It was my birthday on Saturday (I'm now 20 - ew) and my best friend from uni surprised me on Sunday with presents from my uni house (who i miss and love with every fiber of my being)&lt;3 &lt;3 </p><p>If this seems rushed lemme know. If something doesnt make sense lemme know. Basically just lemme know what you think aha.</p><p>Also just wanna say a massive thank you for all your lovely comments! I do read and take on board every single one - love you guys :D xx</p><p>as always any and all mistakes are mine,</p><p>Hope yall enjoy,<br/>Vx</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He was sat in the bedroom, not knowing anything other than those four dirty beige walls. He felt tired and sore, looking down he saw colour blossoming around his ribs, cuts both old and new littering his torso and sides. Running his hands up himself, taking note of all the damage, wondering why Sir is sticking around, when he is so broken. He doesn't remember before, only now, drinking the water and floating. Not feeling. Not reacting when the door opens and he lifts his head to meet hazel eyes. Sir is back.</p><p>“Hello Little One. Do you think you need another lesson today or can we get through without any issues?”<br/>He opened his mouth to reply, then remembering what happened the last time he did. Instead deciding to lower and shake his head. <br/>“Good boy. Seems like you’ve finally learned to listen” Sir ran his hand down the side of his cheek, he found himself leaning into the gentle touch. <br/>Sir looked around the room, taking in the tired form of his little one in the middle of the grey bed. Seeing all the colour and cuts on his body made him smile, his lessons making the younger man become closer to him, dependable almost.<br/>He decided to keep him lucid for the time being, testing how he reacts. Lifting a hand to cup his jaw, he sees a flinch then he seems to lean into the touch.<br/>“Oh Little One. Shall we get you a drink?”<br/>A small nod, and a water bottle is placed in front of him, and it all goes fuzzy. A small smile comes to his face as Sir keeps rubbing his thumb over his cheek, lulling him to <br/>sleep.</p><p>~~~~ </p><p>They were currently all sitting on the street, everyone with a different view of the house they believe Jay is in. It’s nothing special, a small townhouse, two floors, the kind of house you wouldn't think to look twice at.<br/>Voight turned to Mouse, voice stern “You follow me, no playing cowboy, ok? You're here because I know you would go in alone, and I’m trying to prevent anything else going out of our control.” Mouse could do nothing but nod in agreement, knowing that if he wanted to help he had to play by Voight’s rules, follow him. <br/>Will is sitting beside him, his bag of supplies by his feet, just in case Jay needs immediate support.<br/>“Sarge, we got movement, upper east side, there's someone moving beside the curtain.” Ruzek’s voice crackled over the radio.<br/>“Ok, we move in teams. Al, Ruzek, Atwater and Burgess go in through the back, check out the downstairs and basement. Upton, Antonio and Mouse, you’re with me we’re through the front, checking there and heading upstairs.”<br/>Hearing affirmatives from his unit he nods at Mouse, telling Will to stay in the car and reaches for his mic “Right, lets move in.”</p><p>They don't announce themselves, breaking the doors down, whispering the all clear and moving into their comms. They move around the house, checking each room, and clear the stairs before they move up. <br/>Heading down to the basement, Atwater budges the door open with his shoulder, Ruzek entering with his gun raised. Calling the all clear the rest of the group enters the room, each letting out their own gasp of surprise. Burgess lets out a quiet “Oh god” while Al has to hold back a slew of curse words. <br/>Looking around the basement they saw the chains on the wall, the bed in the corner with a patch of dried blood on, and the chair with chains in another corner. But no Jay. They took photos of everything, taking moments to calm themselves down when they got too emotional. The chains and blood all over the room angered them, thinking of what Jay had gone through, tied up, chained to something, not having the freedom to move about, for the past two months. Once they had the photos, took stock and notes of everything in the basement they went back upstairs, having to get out of that room and headed outside to get some air. Hoping Voight had better luck than they had.</p><p>~~~~~~~~</p><p>Heading upstairs, Voight leading the charge, they had just finished clearing one of the rooms when Mouse heard a noise coming from the other side of the hall. Voight signalled for Upton and Antonio to check the bathroom and keep the stairs covered, then following Mouse to the final room. Standing either side of the door, they nodded their readiness as Mouse opened the door, Voight entering, both with guns raised. <br/>What they saw stopped them in their tracks. </p><p>Before them was Jay, sitting on the bed, water bottle empty beside him, with tear tracks down his face and a red mark on his cheek. Callum sat behind him, stroking his cheek. </p><p>“Callum Taylor, step away from my detective” Voight yelled out. Mouse stood there taking stock of his best friend. Counting the cuts and bruises and willing there to be a way for him to be able to do the same amount of damage to Taylor. Jay looked up, fear on his face, more tears building in his eyes. As his breath picked up Mouse took a step forward, “Hey bud, you’re alright now, we’ve got you”. <br/>Jay looked up at Taylor and furrowed his brows, pulling away and trying to hide. <br/>“Jay come on, come to me, I’ve got you” Mouse tried again, wondering if he heard him. <br/>Voight was still in a standoff with Taylor, neither of the men flinching or backing off, leaving Mouse to deal with Jay. Mouse notices the chain around his neck and one of Taylor’s hands behind Jay's head, holding him back. <br/>“Sarge, neck.” is all he says and Voights yelling gets louder. <br/>“Let go of my detective Taylor or so help me.”<br/>“Or what? You can't take him, he is happy here. Isn’t that right Little One.” he turns to Jay, knowing his eyes were still trained on him “you want to stay here, stay home?”<br/>The way he is nodding at him makes Jay understand that he wants a verbal answer, and opens his mouth, voice cracking as he breathes out “Home?” they all notice the slight slur to the word, and Mouse’s heart drops.<br/>“Mouse, can you get through to him?” Voight asks, quietly.<br/>“Ah Mouse, yes, I thought I recognised you. It's been what? Almost 10 years? I told you you couldn't keep him from me, that we were destined to be together. I love him, he's mine.”<br/>Mouse stiffened and shook his head “No Callum, you are sick. You were sick then, you are sick now.” taking a breath, he tries a different tactic and continues with a softer tone “Look at him, this isn't love. He’s scared, he is hurt. If you truly loved him you would let Jay come home, to his family, to me and Will, his brother.”<br/>Callum started to shift, shaking his head in refusal. But what Voight and Mouse were focusing on was Jay suddenly perking up at the mention of Will. <br/>The shouting started up again between Callum and Voight, words mixing, full of anger and slight pleading. Mouse’s eyes still only seeing Jay, trying to figure out how to get through to him, to get just a small part of Jay to recognise him so that they can get him home. He reaches towards his radio, calling for Adam to get Will out of the car and to bring him up to the room at the end of the hall, hoping that his brother may have a better chance. <br/>“Hey Jay, it’s ok, Will’s on his way.” Jay shifted, hearing the name again, flinching at the loud voices in the room, not knowing what to listen to, not wanting to hear any of it. He curls in on himself, a grimace on his face and pulls his hands up to cover his ears, head resting in between his knees. <br/>Voight notices this and seeing a chance, fires off a shot, hitting Callum in the thigh, and rushes forward to pull him away from Jay, handing him off to Antonio and telling the unit to head back to the district, Antonio and Upton to stay with Callum at the hospital then were to drag him straight to the cage. </p><p>Will stood outside the door, scared to see what he would walk in on, watching Antonio drag Callum away; he took a minute to calm himself. Needing Jay to see him as the strong big brother, not wanting to crumble. Knocking once he doesn't expect the scene he walks in on.<br/>Jay is now curled in the same position but instead of being on the bed he has retreated to a corner, backing himself as far away from everyone as possible. He notices Mouse whispering to Jay, not knowing what but makes eye contact with Voight, standing off to the side, letting Mouse do his thing. <br/>Clearing his throat Voight announces “Hey look who's here.” Mouse turns to see Will, his eyes shining with tears, trying to do the same as Will but failing. <br/>“Hey buddy, it’s Will, you know him right?” a small nod and shrug of the shoulders is all they get in return from Jay.<br/>“Hey bro, is it ok if I come closer? I just gotta check those cuts out, make sure they're not infected.” Will asks, edging closer to his little brother. “You look really tired and sore kiddo. Wanna tell me what happened?” a shake of the head from Jay makes him realise that there's still been no sound from him.<br/>“Hey Mouse, help me out here?” he says, opening his bag. Once Jay hears the zip he starts to panic, struggling to get even smaller and away from them all. Will's eyes widen and he takes a step back, knowing Mouse was better to handle this than he was. <br/>“Jay, come on Jay. Buddy you got to stay with us. It's just me, Will and Voight here ok? You're fine, you're in Chicago. Just breathe for me buddy and let Will come check you out.”</p><p>After 30 minutes of quietly talking Jay through everything he was doing, and the removal of the chain around his neck, they were finally able to get him downstairs and into the car, headed for the hospital for a proper workup. Jay started dozing, sat still curled in on himself,  head rested on the window watching the world go by, shivering despite it being almost summer and being wrapped in a blanket. <br/>Looks were shared between the other 3 in the car, noticing how different Jay seemed. The biggest difference was the amount of weight he had lost, his once muscular frame looked small and fragile underneath the rainbow of colours his body had become. <br/>Pulling up at Med, Will and Mouse helped to convince Jay to get out of the car, Voight having rushed ahead to clear a path, trying to maintain some of his dignity.<br/>Once Maggie realised who was entering slowly through the ED doors, she shoved everyone into rooms, ensuring the nearest bay was empty and that Choi was available. <br/>After dropping Jay off in the room, Will still holding onto his hand, Mouse whispered into his ear, knowing Will could hear, “It’s ok now Jay. You can go to sleep, we’re here. Just pass out already man, let the guys work, we got you.” Hearing the reassuring words flow from his mouth, Jay slowly nodded his head and let his eyes slip shut. Will looked towards Ethan, letting him know it was alright to administer the sedative now, knowing Jay needed to be knocked out so he didn't wake up during his check up.</p><p>Mouse and Will held each other close, standing at the doors on the inside of his room, refusing to leave.</p><p>“We got him. Jays home.”</p><p>They knew they had a long road ahead but for now they let themselves relax knowing that Jay was here and Callum Taylor was going away.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. The Hospital Waiting Room</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey, </p><p>sorry this took so long im ill and my brain gave up...</p><p>also big news - I PASSED SECOND YEAR!! I'm officially in my third and final year of Uni! wahoooo</p><p>as always and mistakes/issues are mine - lemme know what you guys think,</p><p>Enjoy,<br/>Vx</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The Intelligence Unit was split between the district and the hospital waiting room, Voight uncharacteristically showing his worry, pacing around the private room. It had been 3 hours since they had brought Jay to the hospital and the memory of the state he was found in was not going to leave his mind any time soon. Seeing his strong detective cower away, eyes shining with tears and clearly still under the drugs effects, shook him in a way he couldn't describe.</p><p>After pacing a short while more Dr Choi finally enters the private waiting room to speak with Voight, Will and Mouse.<br/>“Ok guys, I think it's best if you all sit down.” Once they were all sitting he took a quick look around the room, taking note of everyone's faces. Will’s blank, eyes wide with fear. Mouse was shaking, hands all twitchy, face unreadable. Hank was as mysterious as ever, but with a slight glint to his eye, giving away just how much he cares for Jay. Taking a breath he continued, “So we’ve put him on a rapid detox, to flush whatever was in his system out. But no worries we did a blood draw to test for any illnesses and to see what he had been taking all these weeks. We'll work from the head down; he had a small bleed on the brain, but it's under control and isn't causing any issues or worries, assuming he took a massive hit to the head. His shoulder muscles are strained, presumably from being hung by his wrists for prolonged periods of time, proven by the lacerations on his wrists. This will need a bit of pt to get them back to their full movement.” Ethan pauses, making sure everyone is ok for him to continue, and receiving no push backs he goes on. “Jay has multiple contusions to the chest and abdomen with multiple cuts that we managed to stitch up. A few broken ribs, multiple taser burns, and after doing an ECG we are lucky it hasn't affected his heart. What was really the biggest cause of worry was the cuts and bruises on his lower abdomen and upper thighs. After your permission, Will, we conducted a full rape kit and the results came back clean for and diseases but a positive for abuse over an extended period of time.” Mouse looked up, rage evident on his face, Voight putting a hand on both Mouse’s arm to calm him and Will’s arm to keep him present. “There is also a pretty nasty bruise around his throat, no sustained damage and also a few cuts on his arm that look self inflicted, Will.” he took another pause, ensuring they were listening. “Guys your names are carved into his arm.” <br/>Mouse looked to Will and vice versa. Each holding their breaths, not understanding but needing to see their Jay. Ethan, sensing their eagerness to go, told them what room Jay was in, and watched them run off throwing an amused but knowing smirk the way of the Sergeant.</p><p>Arriving at Jay’s door, the two of them took a breath and gave one last look at each other, stepping over the threshold to his room.<br/>“Oh god Jay.” Will said, no louder than a whisper. The sight of his little brother, battered and bruised in the hospital bed shattered his heart.  Will knew each and every one of the wires going from his body to the machines and what they were for but it didn't make him feel any better, if anything knowing made things worse as he knew just how bad off Jay was. Mouse on the other hand saw how bad Jay was and it pained him to see his former Sergeant and best friend laid up in a bed with so many things attached to him.</p><p>“He looks really little” Mouse said to no one in particular, small observations distracting from the mechanical beeping in the room.<br/>“Yeah his chart says he is very malnourished but not dehydrated so he has that going for him, that's what that tube in his nose is.” Will offered up, as they both took a seat either side of him. There were heat packs on both of his shoulders and his wrists were wrapped and splinted, to try and help them recover from the strain of holding him up for an extended period of time. Jay was in a pair of joggers that Will had stashed in his locker, knowing he wouldn't like the hospital issued gown, his chest on show, bruises, burns and cuts out for the world to see. Will’s eyes roamed over his little brother's body trying to remind himself that they got him out, he was here and he needed them. </p><p>“Hey Will. Um I don’t um - how's he doing?”  Mouse asked, voice quiet. He had his head bowed, hands gripping onto one of Jay’s.<br/>“His vitals are looking steady, nothing seems to be infected, everything seems to be healing already. It’s just him mentally I'm worried about. I don’t like how he was in the car and I don’t know how he is going to react when he’s awake and that drugs all flushed out of him.” <br/>Mouse agreed with a hum and a nod of the head. “When do you think he’ll wake up. Never thought how much I’d want to hear him nagging us to leave” he said with a laugh.<br/>“I don’t know man, honestly think it's just up to him at this point.”.</p><p>The room descended into silence again, both men each taking the time to breathe and catch up on some sleep. The beeping of the machines echoing in the room, the three inhabitants breath all syncing up. </p><p>~~~~~</p><p>Voights arrival back at the district was met with a questioning and worried stare from Platt, and his storming up the stairs to the Intelligence bullpen was met with a dozen questions.<br/>“Hey Sarge, how is he?”<br/>“Will and Mouse with him at med?”<br/>“What are we gonna do about Taylor?”<br/>“Are the results back from the kits and blood draw?”</p><p>“Alright, everyone back off and just give me a second to get to my office” Voight quieted the room a small smirk growing recognising his units love for Jay and each other.<br/>“Jay is at Med. The small breakdown of injuries is: strained shoulder muscles, multiple cuts, bruises and burns, a small brain bleed - that's under control - a very bruised neck - with no determined level of damage. Still waiting on the results for the drug test but it has to have been something heavy to keep Jay down and docile for that long. Look into Taylor’s financials, see where he’s shopping, and look for any big transactions. We need to find out who he’s buying from.” he finished in a tone that left no room for arguments. </p><p>“He’s downstairs in the cage” Al offered up, watching Voight head down the back staircase.<br/>“Hey Sarge.” Adam spoke up. Voight turned back to face his young team members, and the look of worry that was painted across each of their faces. “Is he ok?” Realising that he actually didn't say how Jay was he understood their worry. “Jay is as good as he can be right now, Will said his vitals were stable last time I spoke with him. Both he and Mouse are at his bedside, not likely to leave anytime soon so anything that happens we will be the first to know. I’m not going to lie, it’s going to be a long road for all of us, Jay especially, but we will help him in whichever way we can. And right now that means doing our jobs and ending this son of a bitch.”</p><p>With one final nod from the team, they all rushed off to do any and all checks they could, contacting everyone they knew could help. Voight and Al heading down to see Taylor in the cage.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Lab Results Are Back</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello you lovely bunch :)</p><p>This was a LOT longer than I thought it would be, didn't really know what to write - had an idea but no words and ended up with a few more that i hoped for which is a bonus.</p><p>As always, lemme know what you think, and any and all mistakes/issues are mine.</p><p>Enjoy,<br/>Vx</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“He's downstairs in the cage.” That was all Voight needed to go rushing off but holding himself back to offer a small glimmer of hope, a bit of support to his team.<br/>After seeing them all seem to take in what he had told them, and heading off to do their work, he is finally able to go on his way, Al quickly on his tail. </p><p>Stalking up to the cage he can't help but let out a small chuckle at the sight before him. Callum Taylor. Private First Class Callum Taylor, was sat battered and bruised, his bullet wound stitched and bandaged, arm cuffed to the back of the cage.</p><p>“Well looks like someone beat me to it.” he said, tone light. Turning back to Al who just shrugged his shoulders and responded “resisted arrest and tried to run while we were sorting his leg out” Voight didn't believe him, but couldn't find it in him to care, only wondering who it was.</p><p>“So Callum Taylor. Should I start this off by saying, ‘thank you for your service’ or skip the pleasantries? Huh?” No response.<br/>He stalked closer to the door, key in hand “You see, that was a very important member of this unit that you took. I want to know why.”<br/>Taylor looked up, hearing Voight say that Jay was important stirred something in him, pulling in his cuffs he leaned forward “He is mine. You don’t seem to understand that.”<br/>Voight and Al shared a look, “Oh he's yours is he?” voice gruff in that usual way a slight chuckle lightning the tone “How come he’s never mentioned you before? Jay’s a private guy but he’s not that private.”</p><p>Opening the cage door, Voight and Al invade his space, Voight pushing him back, hand on throat. “What did you do to him?” he yelled out, patience wearing thin, “What did you do to my detective?”<br/>A small laugh leaves Taylor’s mouth, struggling to speak, he tries “Ok, lift off.” Voight lessons his grip, motioning for him to continue. <br/>“I just taught him some lessons about manners, and reminded him that I was the only one who knew how to control him, treat him properly. At first he couldn't understand what I meant but after speaking out of turn and acting out he soon learnt his lesson. Became the perfect little soldier, following orders, looking to me for leadership, for care and guidance. Seems he hasn't had much of that through his life judging by the state he was in when I saved him.” Voights expression had turned to one of pure murder. He knows about Jays history with his father, his good work and the grey areas from his time in the army and he knows the different leadership he has endured while working for Intelligence and could quite figure out what angle Taylor was playing. Al stepped forward, leaning into his face, seething “What state? The only state we saw him in was drugged up to the nines and stumbling out of his apartment block, arm in arm with you. As far as we are aware, you did that.” Taylor starts to shift, feeling like he's slipping.</p><p>A few swift punches from Voight brought him back to the present, spitting out the blood in his mouth, Taylor letting a smirk grow on his face. <br/>“What?” Voight breathed out, “What is so funny to you?”<br/>“Just thinking about how good he looked; glassy eyes, spread out on the bed, waiting for me to take charge. Looking at the empty water bottle beside him, knowing he did it to himself, that he had finally learnt that the only way to avoid the pain was to submit.”</p><p>Al hit him this time, Voight only pulling him back when he heard the door open.</p><p>“Hey Sarge, lab reports back. We know what drug he used.” Hailey stated.<br/>Voight looked to Taylor then back to Hailey, motioning for her to continue “Do tell.”<br/>“Scopolamine, also known as ‘Devil’s Breath’ Kev's got more details upstairs that I think you might want to hear.” <br/>With that she turns on her heel, knowing they would follow. Voight and Al step out of the cage, slamming the door behind them and storm upstairs to the bullpen.</p><p>“Alright Atwater, what have you got?” Voight says in greeting, noting everyone sitting around the whiteboard Kevin has been filling with information.<br/>“So Sarge, the lab results came back showing Jay to have high traces of a drug called scopolamine in his system. I don’t think you’re gonna like what I found.” Voight nodded, indicating he was following, Kevin continued.<br/>“Right so, scopolamine is also known as the ‘Devil’s Breath’, it is derived from the flower of the ‘borrachero’ shrub, commonly found in Colombia, South America. It has been used for hundreds of years for spiritual rituals by native South Americans. The chemical, when extracted from the seeds is believed to induce the user to have hallucinations, see frightening images and have a lack of free will. It can also lead to amnesia, leaving the victim powerless to recall events.”  he finished.<br/>“That could explain his reaction when you and Mouse went in, you said he didn't recognise you guys at first?” Adam looked towards Voight, hoping for an answer.<br/>“Yeah he didn't seem to know who we were, wasn't reacting to his own name, it wasn't until he heard Mouse's name that he reacted. He looked at us, then to his arm and back at us. Something clicked in that head of his.” Voight replied.<br/>Even after this new bit of information, this massive break in the case, everyone didn't really know what to do with themselves. No one knew how to help Jay when there was nothing else to find or someone to catch. They also didn't seem to want to disrupt Will and Mouse at the hospital, for many reasons, a few of which being; not wanting to be in the way, not waiting to cause Jay any unwanted distress and also not wanting to see Jay like that. So small and scared in a hospital bed, quite far from the Jay that they all knew. <br/>Knowing his team's dilemma, Voight and Al shared a look, speaking up he said “Ok, find out what the long term side effects are - if there are any. I want teams of two watching Taylor at all times so someone set up a rota. Have two up here doing research, two downstairs on watch - I don't care what you do just don't tell him anything and don't let him get under your skin - the rest will be on break, at home sleeping. I have a uniform posted at the hospital, along with an undercover. Jay also has Will and Mouse in there with him so he is as protected as he can be.” looking around at his unit he saw looks of gratitude and relief, both at having something to do and having a structure to do it in. After a nod from Voight, everyone got to work.<br/>Two hours later they had a rota system up and working, everyone doing what they were scheduled to do. Voight got up out of his office, looking around he saw the bullpen empty, knowing he had not been included in the shift pattern as he wouldn't have stuck to it anyway, thankful for whoever had the idea. <br/>Just as he was grabbing his jacket to head home and get some much needed rest, his phone dinged, signalling a text. </p><p>'Hes awake.'</p><p>Another ding, this time from Mouse</p><p>'Ignore what Will just said, he woke up, freaked out a little bit and is not asleep again. <br/>Ethan's saying he is likely going to be out until the morning, if you want to visit then?'</p><p>A small smile comes to his face. He can imagine the scene, Will and Mouse practically vibrating with anticipation, then sending texts off at the same time.</p><p>A final sound came through the phone, bringing him out of his reverie, another message from Will,</p><p>'Just you tomorrow? Sorry, I just don't want to crowd him.'</p><p>He sends back an acknowledgement, saying he totally understands and to let him know the time and room number. Firing off another message he types,</p><p>'Let me know if he isn't up for a visitor. Make sure you are BOTH looking after yourselves and each other. Jay doesn't need you guys being in a weird place when he finally comes around.'</p><p>Chuckling to himself one last time, he shuts the door to his office and heads out to his car, with a smile on his face.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>lmaoo my search history looks so worrying right now...</p><p>that drug is well weird - a small dose is used to cure motion sickness like seasickness but large doses or an alteration of the compound can cause massive issues and is often used as like a date rape drug similar to rohypnol.</p><p>weird right.</p><p>please stay safe everyone x</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Famous Big Brother Hug</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey,</p><p>rough week for me this week, many things going on but here we are...</p><p>any and all mistakes are mine, lemme know what you think.</p><p>Enjoy,<br/>Vx</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They say when you wake up that the first sense to come back to you is your hearing. Which makes total sense to Jay as he registers a steady beeping noise and slight murmuring next to his head.<br/>
He whimpers, trying to get away from the voice and feeling a mattress underneath him, he starts to panic.</p><p>“Hey Jay, it’s me, it’s Mouse. You’re at Chicago Med. You’re ok, calm down buddy. That’s it, just breathe, you’re out, you’re okay.” Mouse, noticing Jay’s struggle, jumped up out of his seat, grabbed his hand and started talking to him. He finally got some reaction, Jay’s eyes started fluttering, following his voice until his eyes landed on Mouse.</p><p>“Hey, there he is. You all good buddy? You with me Jay?”<br/>
A look of confusion washed over his face at the sound of his name.<br/>
“Ye-yeah, um. I-I do-dont kn-“ he stuttered out, quiet, voice dry from lack of use.<br/>
“Shh hey it’s okay. Will’s on his way back with Ethan. They’ll explain everything for you.” Mouse cut him off, Jay bowing his head, shaking slightly, mentally telling himself off for speaking.</p><p>Ten minutes of awkward silence later, Will and Ethan are knocking on the door. Mouse lets Jay know who it is, making sure it is ok for him to open the door. Upon entering, Will does a quick once over of his little brother, reminding himself that this was real, Jay was here.</p><p>“Hey Jay, it’s Ethan. Is it ok with you if I come over to have a quick look at those cuts on your arm and chest?” Ethan starts, giving Jay the option, control. “You can tell me when to stop and I’ll back off. I just want to make sure that you are healing ok and that you are alright.”</p><p>After receiving a nod from Jay, Ethan took the steps towards the bed, hands splayed out showing he wasn’t a threat. Since his chest was already uncovered, they didn't have to go through the potential trauma of undressing Jay.</p><p>After a few minutes of talking through every movement and unwrapping and re wrapping dressings and checking his stats, Ethan took a step back. Looking up to meet Jay's eyes he continued talking.<br/>
“Ok so everything seems to be healing quite nicely, a few of these cuts may scar but we can look into that later on. Your vitals seem to be holding steady. How are you feeling?” He asked, putting the ball back into Jay’s court.<br/>
Jay just stares back at Ethan, eyes flicking over to Will and Mouse, and noticing the slight spike in his heart rate he asks again “How are you doing Jay? Do you know where you are? Who they are? You gotta talk to us bud.”<br/>
After a small nod from Will and Mouse, Jay opened his mouth, his voice cracking and barely there “I don't know? Hospital? Will and Mouse”<br/>
The three felt a sense of relief when Jay recognised the two of them. That relief quickly fell to worry when Jay suddenly started tearing up, Ethan was focused on the screens showing his vitals while the other two stepped toward Jay.<br/>
“Hey Jay. Buddy, you gotta take a breath.”<br/>
“Jay. Come on little brother, calm down, you’re ok.”<br/>
They can all see him trying to hold his sobs in, can see the pain it's causing him so Ethan starts toward the drawer, intent on sedating him.<br/>
“Wait Ethan, no stop! You sedate him now he’ll not talk to us later” Will growls out towards the other doctor and steps forward, doing the only thing he can think of.</p><p>“Will, be careful.” Mouse says, alarmed, worried for both Will and Jay. He quickly shuts up when he sees Jay calm down.</p><p>Will is beside Jay in an instant when he sees him hurting. Remembering how his mom used to calm Jay down from nightmares and panic attacks when he was younger, Will calmly talks to him about anything other than the situation he was in. Talking about some stupid prank he pulled with his room mate in college while hugging running one hand softly up and down his arm, they other edging towards his head, not wanting to do anything Jay wouldn't be comfortable with. His heart either shattered or swelled when Jay whimpered and tilted his head into his big brothers awaiting hand, Will could see the moment that Jay recognised him and he let a few tears of his own slip.<br/>
“Hey baby bro. You back with me?”<br/>
He received a small nod in return.<br/>
“Is it ok if I come closer? I think we could both do with a good cuddle?”<br/>
Another small nod was all it took for Will to clamber into the bed next to his brother and envelop him in one of his famous big brother hugs, the kind where you feel grounded, safe and like nothing can get through to hurt you. Will has had plenty of practice and time to perfect this type of hug. He could feel Jays breathing gradually slow, Mouse and Ethan watching from a distance both the scene before them and the monitors.<br/>
He feels Jay shift under the hand combing through his hair, a soft whisper of “Mom” from Jay leads Will leaning back to see his face, “Yeah mom used to do this didn’t she?” Will suggested, hoping that's what Jay was trying to say. Again he was received with a small nod, only this time there was a small smile to go along with it.</p><p>Ethan, not wanting to intrude on the moment the brothers so desperately needed, took a step backwards towards the door saying “I’m going to come back later to get another reading and take some more blood to see if those drugs are out of your system” and with a quick nod from Will, Ethan looked to Mouse to follow him out.</p><p>Closing the door behind him Mouse turns to Ethan.<br/>
“Everything alright Doc?”<br/>
“Yeah I just wanted a quick word while they were busy. Um, so I assume you have noticed Jays behaviour, his lack of speaking in full sentences, his confusion.”<br/>
“Yeah but I thought that was just the drugs wearing off?”<br/>
“At first I thought that too but then watching that interaction with Will, I think it is something else.”<br/>
“I mean you seem to have an idea about it otherwise you wouldn't have said anything, so please go ahead.”<br/>
Mouse crossed his arms, starting to get impatient, needing to know what was wrong with his friend. Ethan picked up on this by the speed in which Mouse’s fingers were tapping against his elbow.<br/>
“Ok, Mouse take a second.”<br/>
Following a deep breath from Mouse, Ethan continued, “Think about it. Jay has been forced into a situation, constantly drugged and beaten. We don't know how he was treated during this time but you said that the person who took him seemed protective of Jay - despite the chain around his neck. But I am fairly certain that it is safe to assume that he wasn't allowed to talk, and with that drug maybe new memories were forced onto him.”<br/>
“So what does that mean? He can’t remember things or how to talk?” Mouse enquired, not fully following what Ethan was trying to say.<br/>
“No I think we need to wait for psych to determine if he can remember everything or if new memories were inserted. Maybe he has missing time and only remembers snippets of his time away. But when he was taken he probably wasn't allowed to speak, and being in this situation, with very little control maybe he just needs that reminder that he is allowed to talk.”<br/>
“So, we just ask him questions? Or tell him it's alright?”<br/>
“Again I'd leave that to psych. Maybe let him lead conversations? But keep talking to him, get him to open up.”</p><p>With that they both turned to look back into the room, seeing Will holding a now sleeping Jay. Knowing that Jay is in capable hands and that with Mouse heading back into the room with a small smile on his face, Ethan feels safe leaving them alone for the night. </p><p>His brothers have his back.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Hey Bro, Voight's Here</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello :)</p><p>Hope everyone is doing okay? How's your week been?<br/>I'v tried to be so productive this week as I'm back at work on friday :)))) (damn it) but organised ONE of my drawers and gave up so thats how im doing aha...</p><p>Hope yous enjoy this chapter - nice little brostead moment with massive dad vibes from Voight.<br/>I love exploring the relationship between Voight and Jay - and with me writing his actual dad to be a dick I thought why not let drunk Jay (and tired hospitalised Jay) call Voight dad...</p><p>As always any and all mistakes are mine, lemme know what you think,</p><p>Vx</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Voight made his way through the hospital, trying not to think about how many times he had walked those hallways. <br/>Arriving at Jay’s door he quietly knocks, not wanting to startle whoever is inside. Hearing a quiet “come in” he slowly opened the door, shutting it behind him.</p><p>“Hey Jay, good to see you up.” he said, Jay sat at a 45 degree angle in the bed, awake, Will sat in his left trying to gain his attention, “Hey bro, Voight’s here.”</p><p> Voight took a step closer to the bed saying, “How you feeling kiddo?”. Scared eyes was the only response he got.</p><p>Jay started panicking, thinking back to the beating he received off of the man standing in front of him.<br/>“You're officially stripped” <br/>“Halstead?”<br/>“Can’t even save yourself. How am I supposed to trust you on my team if you can't control or save yourself?”<br/>“Hey Jay, kiddo, you gotta breathe.”<br/>“Useless. Broken. Murderer”<br/>“Jay. Calm down. You need to calm down.”<br/>Useless. Murderer. Can't save yourself.</p><p>He couldn't breathe. The fear and panic overriding his senses. He tries to shift back as far as possible, breaths coming out in short pants. He manages to pull himself up, sitting back straight against the railings, facing Voight, legs curled up, arms hugging them. Voight recognises the defensive stance and raises his hands, taking a step back, saying “Hey Jay it’s ok, I'm going to stay here alright? I won’t move until you tell me you're okay with it. I just need you to breathe. Just breathe and let Will reattach all the wires.”<br/>Jay looked up, tears streaming from his eyes to look at his arm which was now slightly bleeding after ripping out his IV while moving. <br/>“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I let you down, I always let you down. I’m stupid and weak and-and- and you were right to take my badge, I don’t deserve it. Never deserved it. Weak. Murderer. I’m sorry” Jay rambled out, sobs punctuating each word as he drawed to the end of his mini speech. Voight and Will turned to face each other, eyes wide, not able to fully process the scene before them. <br/>“Jay, hey baby bro. You’re alright, it’s alright. Just take a breath and we can talk about this” Will was stunned, this was the most Jay had said and yet instead of joy and excitement at having him talk to them, Will felt pure sadness. <br/>He had still yet to uncurl from his position but Voight took a step forward, seeing Jay’s breathing pick up he stops, keeping his arms raised. <br/>“Jay. Hey, Halstead. I don’t have your badge, it’s sitting on the desk at your apartment. You’re still a detective, you’re still and always will be part of my unit. Ok?”<br/>“I-i dont un-underst-stand.”<br/>“What’s up bud?” Will interjected “Remember, you can talk to us, you’re safe.”<br/>“You were there. In the basement for the punishment. I was bad and I let you down and you left me.” Jay let out in one breath, voice still quiet and strained.</p><p>Will and Voight looked at each other, hesitantly trying to figure out who was going to handle this situation. Voight took the fall.</p><p>“Hey Jay, kiddo I haven't seen you in two months. Last time I saw you, you had done a few long shifts, working overtime to solve the case. You didn't let me down, you found the lead that got us the arrest. You did that. You saved those people. We couldn't have done it without you. You are a good cop, one of the best I’ve met.”<br/>Jay looked down at his hands, slowly becoming less rigid in his stance, uncurling a little bit. “But but you sa-said that-”<br/>“Jay I don’t know what you think you heard or saw but I wasn’t there. I wasn’t in that basement. As much as it kills me to have not been there sooner or to help you I wasn’t.”<br/>Jay flinched back “I know what I saw. I’m not - I’m not stupid.” he almost yelled out, voice reaching a normal level for once. Looking up and seeing Voight he starts to panic again “I’m sorry I didn't mean it, I’m sorry. Please don’t, I’m sorry”<br/>Voight sees the shift back to panic mode and steps forward again, “Jay you gotta stay with me here, come back to us kiddo. Breathe for me, that's it, good. You alright?”<br/>“Yeah, yeah” taking a deep breathe “I’m sorry”<br/>“You don't have to keep apologising” Will and Voight said at the same time, both letting a small chuckle out, Jay surprisingly letting a small smile grow on his face.<br/>“Hey there he is.” <br/>“You feeling ok? Need a top up on the meds? Want to lie back down?” Will started with a list of questions, ever the big brother and doctor.<br/>“I’m ok, lie down?” Jay was back to his shortened sentences, tiredness hitting him at once.</p><p>Voight noticed the adrenaline drop, watching as Will helped to move Jay back to a laying down position, still reclined but more comfortable. They both noticed the change in sentence structure, not letting their worry get too high before they had more to go on. <br/>Will pushed the button on the morphine drip, telling Jay to just relax and go to sleep. His eyes slowly started to drop but he pushed through trying to keep them open for just a little bit longer. Turning his head to look at his Sergeant he croaked out “Voight. Sorry.” Voight felt his heart clench at the look on his detectives face, the tiredness and position in the hospital bed making him look younger than he was, he put one hand on the side of the bed next to Jay's head, fingers carding through his hair and the other hand held into one of Jay’s. “I said it before and I’ll say it again. I'm lucky to have you in my unit. I meant that back then and I mean it even more now, every word. Get some sleep kiddo, we’ll be here when you wake up.” <br/>Jay’s eyes slipped closed at that, a few words slipping out with a breath, Voight having to lean close to hear him.<br/>“Thanks dad.”</p><p>Will let out a small gasp, a chuckle filled with tears. Voight stepped back to sit in the chair at Jay’s bedside, not wanting to let go of the kid, feeling extra protective after the events of the past hour.<br/>“Can’t believe he said that to your face” Will said, voice low. <br/>“What do you mean Will?”<br/>“Just something he told me a while back”</p><p>~ They were sat in O’Sheas bar, both brothers having a rare night off together. They had been there awhile and Will could tell by the pace of his brothers drinking, and the beverage of choice that this case was a hard one. “Hey little brother, penny for your thoughts?”<br/>Jay just scoffed, “It’s nothing man. Just some bastard preying on little kids. We got him though, straight down to booking - after a round in the cage with Voight.”<br/>Will shook his head and took a drink from his beer, watching Jay take another sip of his whiskey. These cases were always hard, people going after kids, but Jay always managed to take these ones personally, especially if he couldn't help them. Will knew he couldn't leave Jay alone for the night, not trusting him not to do anything stupid, the same as every time they are dealt a tough case.<br/>“Voight wouldn't let me in the interview room with him, said I was too angry. Hailey took me out for coffee, a clear tactic to get me to calm down and talk - to then report back to Voight if I could handle it.”<br/>“That’s rough Jay, but you know he’s just looking out for you. He knows you’re capable of handling yourself but he saw how you were with Ethan and the swim coach and maybe he’s just looking out for you?”<br/>Jay scoffed again, downing the rest of his drink, motioning to the bartender for another.<br/>“Yeah maybe. Never really had that before.” He started to tear up, shaking his head staring into the fresh glass. “Like I know I had you and I had Mouse and my unit in Afghanistan, but never really had someone that treat me like Voight does.”<br/>Will was slightly taken aback, not expecting the conversation to turn the way it has, “what's that supposed to mean Jay? What are you trying to say bro?” stepping carefully, knowing that at this stage of drunk Jay would either spill his guts or get all moody and silent. He just prayed it didn't end with having to carry his little brother back to their apartment, or in tears, because that would shatter his heart even further.<br/>“Just never had someone who was like a dad. I mean yeah we had Pat but I never had someone who was actually like a dad to me. And Voight respects me, puts me in my place and is nothing like Pat and I don't know this case just got me thinking. He was protecting me, not trying to push me away and I don't know, I kinda like it.” he finished, a small tear making its way down his face. <br/>“That’s good Jay. That’s really good.” Will smiled, patting Jay on the shoulder. Both brothers downing their drinks and heading to call a taxi to go home. <br/>“I’m really proud of you Jay, you know. I’m proud of the guy you've become. I’m just sorry I wasn’t there for you earlier but I am really proud of my baby brother” Will said, pulling Jay into a bone crushing hug on the street. Jay squirming and trying to wiggle out of it like the child he was “Alright, alright. I get it. You’re a good big brother, the best. Now get off you big oaf, who’s supposed to be the drunk one here” they both laughed and climbed in the car heading home. ~</p><p>Voight tried to take in the memory Will just shared. Knowing how he felt towards the kid in front of him, and the growing feelings for the redhead in the room, he couldn't deny it any longer.</p><p>“Wow. That’s new.” he said, letting out a breath. “I’ve always felt protective of the kid. Maybe more than I thought after Benbeneck had that bounty on his head. I don’t know if or what he told you about that, I'm assuming barely anything.” they both chuckled, Will replying with “Just that someone wanted to kill him but in his words it was ‘nothing new’.” both shaking their heads Will motioned for Voight to explain.<br/>“Right so, he offered himself up, instead of going with the traditional photographic proof he decided to go off book and agree to being taken.” he notices Will flinching “Ever the one to care about everyone but himself. So obviously we got into a fight about it in the middle of the bullpen. He said he had no beneficiaries and the whole unit just stopped in their tracks. None of us knew anything about him, a closed book, so when he said he was alone we all kind of decided that we would be it for him. We would be his family. But hearing that hurt something in me and from there I tried my hardest to do everything I could to protect him. And when Justin died and Erin left, I felt alone. But then Halstead needed me and I felt almost whole again, having someone to look after. And he slipped and I got angry but went round to his apartment anyway, to look for drugs of all things.” he scoffed. <br/>Will hesitated, knowing Jay had problems with them in the past but hoping he didn't slip back to that.<br/>“I didn’t find any obviously and the random tests for the next month all came up clean so I left it. Till he turned up on my doorstep after a therapy session and he just broke down. I just knew that I had to help him. That I would be there for him and would support him in the way he hadn't had before. Then I ended up with you these past two months and I got two kids I never expected” He finished with a laugh.</p><p>Will just looked stunned, not fully taking in everything Voight was saying but his heart filled with every single word. Jay finally had someone to look out for him in a way he hadn’t had before. Jay finally had a proper father figure and surprisingly he was overjoyed that it was Sergeant Hank Voight.</p><p>Hank and Jay. A surprising pair. Will could finally rest easy, knowing Jay had someone looking out for him.<br/>Knowing that Jay had Voight and the whole of the Intelligence unit, plus Trudy Platt in his corner made it easier for him to believe that he would get through this. </p><p>With his pseudo family at his side.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Charles Pushed On</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Heyyy,</p><p>this chapter may seem a bit messy - I got sad, sat in a hotel room alone and bosh here we are... :)<br/>Jay is having moments, and Charles may seem a bit pushy but I think thats what he needs rn...<br/>so yeah kinda messy chapter - sorry... :/</p><p>as always any and all mistakes/issues are mine.<br/>lemme know what you think,<br/>enjoy?<br/>Vx</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jay awoke to an empty room, the mechanical beeping of the monitors reminded him of where he was. Some things were still a bit fuzzy; like how long he was gone, who he was with and he kept forgetting how to act around people. Will says that will come back though, he just had to take a minute to regroup. <br/>He doesn't know that sometimes he keeps forgetting his name though. No one does. <br/>Everyone just thinks that he is just in his head or not listening but he just doesn't recognise his own name sometimes.</p><p>And boy doesn’t that make him feel stupid.</p><p>He tries to sound it out, not having said his own name in as long as he could remember.</p><p>“Jay.” Short. Harsh.<br/>He tried again.<br/>“Jay.” A whisper, almost a longing for what was.<br/>“God, so stupid” <br/>'Fuck! No, wait. Just confused.'<br/>“FUCK.” he exclaimed, wrapping his arms across his chest, digging his nails into the cuts on his arm. He didn’t realise he was holding his breath until a soft voice finally reached his ears.</p><p>“Detective Halstead. Jay? I need you to take a deep breath with me alright. I’m going to stay over here, near the door but I need you to breathe, let go of your arms and open your eyes. You’re in Chicago, you’re at Med, Will and Mouse are grabbing a coffee, but you are safe here. Come on Jay, you can do it.”</p><p>He appreciated the small detail of where the voice in the room was but only seemed to react and breathe when Will and Mouse were mentioned. He knew where he was, he knew he was safe but he just couldn't seem to get his body and brain to correlate with his thoughts.</p><p>Slowly loosening the grip on his arms and opening his eyes he sees he is in fact at Med and Dr Charles is standing near the door, no Will or Mouse.</p><p>Deep breath Jay.</p><p>He finally looks over at Charles and offers up a small smile in greeting.</p><p>“Hey there. Good to have you back in the room. You’re probably tired of people asking you how you are so I’m just going to skip past that.”</p><p>That almost got a laugh out of him.</p><p>“But I am wanting to work through some things with you, if that’s alright?”</p><p>Jay knew what this was, that he was going to ask him questions or stay in the room no matter what. But wanting to feel somewhat normal, he played along.</p><p>“Ok then. What is the last thing you can remember?”<br/>A shrug.<br/>“So we know you remember your team, Will and Mouse. I just want to see what the last thing you remember is. Right, so, do you remember Camilla Vega and the drugs case?<br/>A small nod, heartache and regret filling his chest and washing over his face.<br/>“Ok.” Charles said, jotting a few things down.<br/>Jay shifts, raising a querying brow.<br/>“Just helping me to stay on track so that we can get you home. I hear you’re not too big a fan of hospitals. I do wonder why, seeing as your brother is a doctor?” <br/>A shake of the head.<br/>“That’s ok. No worries, we’ll move on.”<br/>He lets out a breath after a comforting smile from the doctor. <br/>“Will was pretty worried about you a while back after that case. I know Voight sent you to a therapist but do you want to talk to me about anything?”<br/>Another shake of the head.<br/>“How did you handle it? If you didn't talk to anyone, how did you push through?”<br/>A shrug, again. <br/>Charles knew he was trying to play impassive, decided to push hard, to get some response from Jay, thinking that riling him up would be the way to go.<br/>“I‘m going to tell you what I think and you stop me if I’m wrong. You went through a few tough cases, Mouse went back to the Rangers, things got a bit overwhelming so you slipped, fell back into some old habits. But you couldn't miss work, so you pushed through. Drinking, nightmares keeping you up at night, taking your anger and aggression out on inanimate objects?”<br/>Charles kept his eyes trained on Jay through his speech. Jay's face flashed from pain and fear to blank to angry. His breathing picked up speed. But Charles pushed on.<br/>“You grew up having to deal with things on your own. That idea was hardened when Will left, your mom died and you came back from Afghanistan. You tell everyone that you're ok so that they leave you alone. You push everything back until you have no other option than to drown in it. So you drank. To quiet the noise. People worry Jay. they worry about you, they care about you. Why don't you let them in?”<br/>Jay finally burst, not able to keep quiet any longer <br/>“Because people leave. Things get bad and they leave! Because it's easier to drown in a bottle and push everything back because then it doesn't hurt anymore. Because when I drink I can't feel anything. It doesn't quiet the noise, it makes it louder but I become numb to it. I can't let people in, I don't know how.” he yelled out.<br/>“What happened that night Jay? Tough case, but you were supposed to be meeting Adam at Mollys. So what happened?” Charles carried on, not letting Jay’s outburst deter him.<br/>“I don't know. I just needed a drink, to be able to be out there, surrounded by people. Then things went wrong and I was sitting on the couch with an empty bottle and then it goes blank.” Jay answered, tears in his eyes but a harsh tone.<br/>He’s still looking at the bed, the wall, the door. Anywhere but the doctor. <br/>“Jay. Breathe.”<br/>“I’m sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I’m ok, I’m sorry.”<br/>“Hey Jay, it’s ok. Why are you apologising?” Charles said, his voice adopting a calmer, gentler tone.<br/>“I’m sorry. I shouldn't have yelled. Please do-dont hurt m-m-me” his breathing picking up again. <br/>'Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. That's gonna earn you at least a new round of beating. Not supposed to talk. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.' <br/>“Stupid. Stupid. Sorry. I’ll stop talking, I promise. I’m sorry.'' Jay started to ramble out loud, unknowingly. <br/>“Jay. It’s ok. That's why I’m here. For us to talk, I don't care if that means yelling, as long as you feel safe enough here to express your feelings. That is all that matters. You are allowed to talk. Especially with me.”<br/>Jay just responds by shaking his head, still not having gained control of his breathing.<br/>“Jay. you gotta breathe. Do you want me to get Will?”<br/>More shaking of the head, “No! I do-dont wan-want him to see-”<br/>“Jay, he's your brother.” Charles says, cutting him off. “He wants to help. Let him.”<br/>Jay lets out a small sob, nodding his head, letting Charles know to call for his brother.<br/>They sit in silence, waiting for Will to arrive, Jay very clearly in his own head, Charles sitting watching.</p><p>A few minutes later, a tentative knock echoes in the room, followed by a “Hey buddy.”<br/>Will steps into the room, sensing the slightly tense atmosphere looks over to Dr Charles for direction before looking to Jay. Jay who has managed to once again make his whole 5 ft 11 body look tiny in the bed, knees to chest, arms hugging and head resting atop. He doesn’t seem to be all there, tear stains on his cheeks, eyes glassy, not seeing. Will takes a few steps forward, towards the bed, not wanting to startle Jay he calls out again on his way over.<br/>“Jay, bro? You’re ok. Can I come closer?”<br/>He receives a small nod.<br/>“Ok, is it ok to touch you? It’s just me, it’s Will. ok, I’m just gonna touch your shoulder.” he narrates.<br/>Once his hand lands on Jay's shoulder, the dam breaks. Sobs leave his brother in waves as he turns into Will’s side. <br/>“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to,” he cries, making Wills heart break once again.<br/>“Hey, oh, it’s ok. We got you Jay. I got you brother. <br/>After a moment of just holding each other, Will speaks up, “you wanna tell me what that was about?” <br/>Jay just shakes his head.<br/>Charles chimes back in with “Jay, remember what I said. It’s ok to talk. We want to help”<br/>“Mouse?” Jay whispers, asking for his friend.<br/>“I’m right here Jay” he replies from the doorway, “Didn’t know if you just wanted a moment with Will but wanted to remind you that I’m here, you can talk to me bud.”<br/>Jay looks around the room, at the supportive and worried faces of his brothers, to the comforting glances the good doctor is giving him. He takes a breath, gaining courage.<br/>A quiet murmur went through the room. Mouse stepped closer, heading to the other side of Jay, grabbing hold of his hand.<br/>“Jay. Bud. You gotta speak up, come on. It‘s just us. You got this.” he said, voice low.<br/>“I - um - I was gonna do it. That night. I was going to pull the trigger.” Jay finally pushed out, punctuating it with a sob, his hand trying to pull from their holds, wanting to hug himself tighter, hide almost.<br/>Mouse and Will looked at each other over the top of Jay’s head. Both fighting tears, swallowing back whatever they were going to say, knowing that all they needed to do right now was be there for Jay.<br/>So that’s what they did. They climbed onto their sides of the bed and held tight to Jay, hoping their hug would hold Jay together, while also holding onto each other. Needing to be strong for Jay and the person opposite them.</p><p>They didn’t notice Dr Charles jotting a few more things down and quietly exiting the room, giving them their space to just be.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. For Being The Brother I Couldn't</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hellooo, </p><p>Hope everyone is doing well.<br/>My mam turned 60 yesterday and so the majority of this is pure hangover brain so many apologies...</p><p>Work is being a bitch atm and nothing seems to be working out right (or at all...) but I move back to uni next week (and work ugh) and I don't think the girls are moving in till later so will have plenty time on my hands to scribble down chapters and plans and everything - I'm excited for where this story is going and as long as you all are enjoying it then I will keep going!</p><p>Lemme know if theres anything you guys want to see happen or not.</p><p>Any and all mistakes are mine...<br/>Lemme know what you think,<br/>Enjoy,<br/>Vx :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“I was gonna do it. That night. I was going to pull the trigger.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jay had managed to go back to sleep, having been finally let out of the hug by both brothers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Said brothers were sat in their own little bubble, each holding one of Jay’s hands. Mouse kept thinking back to the last time he had seen Jay this low, and was with him when he almost tried to end it the last time, but knowing he wasn’t here to help him this time around was killing him. Hearing the sentence broken by sobs, he couldn't help but get thrown back to a time he knows they would both rather forget.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They had been back stateside for about a month now. Both not having had a sober day since they left the hospital in Germany after the humvee incident. They were still getting over the last lingering effects of their injuries but couldn’t tell because of how numb they tried to make themselves feel. They were living in Jay’s old apartment to both save money and be there for each other when the nightmares hit. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Mouse knows Jay had had a particularly rough day, he had gone to visit his mom’s grave and stumbled upon his father on his way back to the car, and that did not go well. Jay returned home, a half empty bottle of whisky in one hand, the other fist bleeding, clenched into a fist. After hearing the key turn in the lock Mouse jumped up to be there for his comrade, running his eyes over Jay’s form. One black eye, a bleeding and split lip and a bleeding cut on his cheek, paired with the split and bleeding knuckles and bottle of booze. He knew he was in for a long night. He walked Jay over to the couch, taking the bottle off him, knowing that he had reached his limit and headed into the kitchen to fill a glass of water and find something to clean him up with. After handing the items off he heads back to make something for them to eat, only managing a grilled cheese, knowing he wouldn't be able to focus on anything that took longer.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>After finishing half of the sandwich Mouse watches Jay walk almost despondently towards his room, having said nothing since he came home.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>After waiting another half hour for - well he doesn't really know what - so he heads to bed.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He doesn't know what time it is exactly or how long he has been asleep but the unforgettable sound of a gun cocking snapped him to consciousness in record time. He tried to ground himself, to remind himself he was in their apartment in Chicago, when a sob broke his thoughts. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jay.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He jumped out of bed and ran to the source of the sound, finding himself flinging the door to Jay’s room wide open with a bang as it hit the wall. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He stopped in his tracks. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jay was sitting on the floor, knees against his chest, back against the wall, facing the door. Tear stains coating his face. His gun in his hand, the barrel against his temple.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Jay?” Mouse breathes out, finally finding his voice. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Taking a few steps forward, arms and hands out Mouse tries to get his attention again. “Jay, bud. Come on, what are you doing?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jay just shakes his head, another sob leaving him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Jay?” He takes a different approach. “Sargeant Halstead. Put the gun down!”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Another shake of the head.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s my fault.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What?” Mouse doesn’t know where this is going but his heart is breaking nonetheless.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“All of it. It’s my fault”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He looks up, eyes not able to meet Mouse’s.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I killed them. All of them. I hurt people. I promised mom. I wouldn’t be him. I- I let her down, I let everyone down.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What do mean Jay? You know it was them or us, you had no choice. Your mom would understand, she would.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I can’t stop seeing them. They just drop. Over and over again. I can’t make it stop.” He yelled out, hitting his head with the gun. Mouse panicking at that, stepping ever so closer to him, close enough to grab the gun from him and then catch him when he fell. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Dad was right. I'm a murderer and useless and it’s my fault Will left. People keep leaving and it’s all my fault.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Mouse had managed to grip his hand around Jays holding the gun, but his grip was relentless. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Jay, buddy. Your dad has only ever done one thing right in his entire life and that was having you. Will left for his own reasons, as did you when you left. You're not a murderer. Think of all those lives you saved. You did that, you saved those villages, those people. Please Jay, please put the gun down. We can get through this. Me and you. Together. Like always. Come on brother, please.” Mouse pleaded, begged Jay to put it down.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Sobbing, he managed to pull the gun away from Jay, sliding it towards the door and pulled Jay into his arms. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They both sat on the floor, holding each other and crying until he knew Jay would be ok. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Well, not ok perhaps, just able to push on a bit longer.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Together, Mouse thought. They would get through this together. Jay had him, he had his big brother Will, the Intelligence unit, and about half the doctors from the ED at Med in his corner. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Looking over to Will he could see that he was dealing with his own torment after the revelation of what was happening the night Jay was taken from them. The redhead looked close to tears as he gripped the hand of his younger brother, wanting to speak yet needing a moment's peace before he would be able to form a coherent sentence.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Will?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Slowly looking up to meet Mouse’s eyes, he responds with a tired and sad “Yeah?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s gonna be ok, you know. The first time I saw him like that, wanting to end it, was rough, but we got through it. And we will get through this time, and the next because it's Jay. Besides, he's got a lot of people in his corner this time around.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mouse’s little pep talk brought back a little bit of light to Will’s eyes. He nodded appreciatively, wanting to ask. Thoughts, questions and assumptions flew around in his head, needing answers, wanting to know more about the time when he wasn't there for his younger brother. Kicking himself for not being there for him but needing to know the past to help him in the present and the future.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After worrying on his lip for a little while longer, Mouse broke the silence “You can ask. I know you want to.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Will spluttered out, startled. “I didn’t - don’t - um?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After a small chuckle Mouse added, “It’s ok. You deserve to know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mouse dove into retelling the story of the first time Jay tried to end it, trying to gloss over the fact that there were more attempts afterwards also. Will sat with bated breath, trying not to interrupt, knowing it was difficult for Mouse to recall and retell. They both kept their tight grips with one of Jay’s hands, Will deciding to face the man in the bed, Mouse opting for staring at the wall, finding it easier to talk to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After he was finished Will could tell that he was just managing to hold onto his awareness in that moment, and stepping into the big brother role for his younger siblings best friend, he reluctantly let go of Jay's hand and rounded the bed to pull Mouse into a crushing hug.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What for?” Mouse asked, utterly confused.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“For being there. For always being there for him. For being the brother I couldn't be. Um for bringing him home and keeping him here.” Will listed off, needing to let him know just how much he was grateful to Mouse for.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Both men were now back to being tearful and almost crying, looking each other in the eye, then at their positions in the room, and letting out a good loud laugh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They laughed until it hurt, appreciating the moment of joy, relief and wholeness.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They laughed about where they were, and how they were holding each other.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look at us man. God, if Jay were to see this…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He would probably join in” Will finished off Mouse’s thought.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Letting out a few more chuckles, both men went back to their respective chairs, resuming their positions with Jay and sat back readying for some shut eye themselves.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Watching Jay shift and twitch, responding to the atmosphere in the room and gentle strokes from Will, both men fell asleep. The only sound being 3 sets of relaxed breathing and the mechanical, rhythmic beeping of the monitors in the room.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. He Wants To Go Home</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Well this is out sooner than expected... (Whoop we love a messy brain moment...)</p><p>I honestly have NO IDEA WHAT THIS IS buuuuuttttttt lets get Jay HOME!!!!!! :)</p><p>as always any and all mistakes are mine X)</p><p>Hope yall enjoy,<br/>Lemme know what you think (pls)<br/>Love ya, <br/>Vx</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jay had been in the hospital for nearly a week. His physical wounds seemed to be healing nicely, it was just the after effects mentally that had the team worried. He was still flinching around everyone bar Will and Mouse, he wasn't speaking and after the last session with Doctor Charles, he wasn't sleeping. He felt on edge, watched, unsafe. He needed to go home.</p><p>Will walked into the room to see Jay trying to stand, removing the wires from his body, struggling with the IV.<br/>“Woah, woah. Hey bud, you gotta leave that in. Come on, sit back down.”<br/>Jay just shook his head, mumbling “Off”, continuing his mission.<br/>“Jay, come on. At least let me help.”<br/>Another frantic shake of the head, his hands started to shake, making it harder to pull the IV out.<br/>“Off” he mumbled, “Don’t want”<br/>“Ok, ok just give me a second”</p><p>Will stepped forward, hands raised, heading towards Jay’s arm to carefully remove the IV. Once that's over he helps to remove the other wires, keeping the heart monitor on to be safe and helps to sit him on the edge of the bed. He takes a second to glance up at Jay’s face, trying to figure out what's going on in his head. <br/>Knowing the silence isn't answering anything he decides to speak up.<br/>“Jay, what’s going on?”<br/>Nothing.<br/>“Jay. Come on, you gotta talk to me. What’s wrong?” Will started to plead.<br/>A shake of the head was his only response, again.<br/>“Jay.” Will sighed out. “Come on little brother”<br/>Jay flinched back at that, the only response he had seen during this whole conversation.<br/>Looking closer at his face he could see conflicting emotions flashing across it. Jay’s lips were moving but no sound was coming out, so Will had to lean further in to try and figure out what he was trying to say. He had no clue but it looked repetitive, so he tried to break his ramblings by placing a hand on his knee. Jay physically jumped, shifting backwards on the bed, breathing picking up, eyes darting around the room. <br/>“Hey Jay, I’m sorry. It’s ok it’s just me, it’s Will. You’re in Chicago Med, remember. Just breathe bud.” he tried.<br/>Jay looked around, breath slowing down and his eyes locked onto Wills.<br/>“Home” he whispered out<br/>“What was that?”<br/>“Home.” he tried again, slightly stronger.<br/>“Yeah you’re home, we got you out.”<br/>“Home” Jay repeated, shaking his head.<br/>“I’m sorry I don’t know what you mean” Will said, despair in his voice.<br/>“He wants to go home, to the apartment.” a voice supplied from the doorway, startled Will turned towards it.</p><p>Seeing Mouse brought a calmness to the room, Jay had settled down a bit and Will had been given an answer to the confusing past few moments.<br/>“Hey Jay is it ok if Will and I step outside for a quick word with your doctors? I’ll fill you in when we get back. It won't take long, we’ll be right outside this window right here, so you can see us. That ok with you bud?” Both men looked over to Jay, hoping he would be alright with whatever Mouse wanted to do.<br/>A small nod from Jay was all it took for Will to repeat where they would be, dramatically pulling the curtain back so that Jay could see out the window to where they would be standing, getting a small smile out of both Jay and Mouse before they headed out the door.<br/>Meeting with Charles and Ethan outside Jay's room made Will feel almost dirty, like he was keeping things from his little brother.<br/>Dr Charles started off the discussion with a short “So Mouse, what did you call us here for?”<br/>“Well, Doc, um I know we have all been watching Jay but have we been listening to him?” Mouse responded.<br/>“What do you mean Mouse?” Ethan asked. <br/>“I mean, I know he isn't really speaking to us but have we really listened to his body language?”<br/>“I’m not following?” <br/>“I’ve noticed him not sleeping and being sort of hyper aware even though he's out of it a bit, but I don’t really know what that means” Will chimed in.<br/>“Well he isn’t sleeping because he doesn’t feel safe. He is constantly feeling like he is being watched and is on edge because this is a strange place to him. I know you work here Will and he has been here for work but he hasn't had the opportunity to fully explore and get a feel for the place.”<br/>“He’s waiting for the other shoe to drop,” Ethan finished.<br/>As a former soldier himself he is internally kicking himself for not noticing sooner. The not speaking and hyper vigilance is taught in basic training in case of capture. Jay has been taken, and it may have been a few years since he was at war but he was still a soldier and would fall back onto his training until he could feel safe. Looking at Charles, the two doctors in charge of Jay’s case made a decision.<br/>“Do you think it’s safe for him to be out of the hospital?” Ethan asked Charles<br/>“As long as he has care 24/7. He is still not fully back with us so if possible I would appreciate him not being left alone,” Charles answered, looking at Will and Mouse, knowing he wouldn't be alone.<br/>“He also is still pushing things down, trying to ignore the problem til it eventually goes away, which it never does because he is not dealing with it, so I would like to keep the sessions going with him, done as a house call so that he feels comfortable in his own space. And try to be as normal around Jay as possible, while also remembering the ordeal he just went through. Try and find some triggers without actually triggering him, certain words, phrases or actions for example.”<br/>Will looked fearful and worried whereas Mouse just looked determined.<br/>“So all that being said after a final night for observation and a check up off of both me and Dr Choi here I am Happy to entrust him into your care.”<br/>After Ethan agreed, Will and Mouse shook both of their hands and gave each other a quick meaningful hug, and re-entered Jay’s room to break the news.</p><p>Closing the door behind them, they both resume their positions either side of the bed, Jay sitting cross legged, hands fiddling with the blanket covering him, head bowed.<br/>Jay felt a hand rest gently on one knee, the other covering his hands to stop the fidgeting. Looking up he saw the smiles covering the faces of his brothers and raising an eyebrow in question received him a chuckle.</p><p>“How do you feel about getting outta here” Mouse started.<br/>Jay’s other eyebrow raised, joining its counterpart.<br/>“Yeah one more night then we’ll have you home. How does that sound?”<br/>A small smile and a nod from Jay, his eyes regaining some of that joyful glimmer they thought was lost forever. His eyes gave away just how much he was ready to get out of the hospital, knowing his distaste for them to begin with, add on nearly 2 months of torture and uncertainty and another week in a place he is unfamiliar with or like would make for a pretty shitty time so knowing he would be going home gave Jay a little bit of hope and happiness he hadn't felt in a long time.<br/>“I’ll take that as a sign that you’re ready to go?” Mouse said with a chuckle.<br/>“You really hate where I work that much, huh?” Will asked, trying to be serious but that big brother playfulness shone through.<br/>Jay just shrugged his soldiers, smile still on his face and grabbed a hold of Will’s hand, who's heart warmed seeing just a small part of his cheeky brother pushing through, knowing he was going to be ok.<br/>“So how about you get some sleep, you’ve got a big day tomorrow. You’re gonna have a few visitors before you can go and I’m not carrying your tired ass all the way out to the car.” Mouse said in a light-hearted tone, trying to keep the calm atmosphere they had managed to create. <br/>Jay started to shake his head, face falling again. He seemed to clam up, clenching the sheets again.<br/>“Hey, oh you’re ok. Jay it’s ok but you have to get some proper sleep.” Will tried<br/>“Jay, hey man, come on. Just like all the times before - I got your six. I’ll wake you up if things get rough, you have my word.” Mouse added.<br/>Jay shook his head again, just once, and started biting his lip again, shoulders coming up, protective.<br/>“Jay. Sarge. Come on. Just like the last time. And the time before that. And every other time before that. I got your back, I got your six.” Mouse tried again.<br/>“Look, I know you’re in a new place, and you've been in a difficult space for a while but we’re here now. I know you don’t feel like you’re safe but trust me Jay. Trust us. You need to sleep.” Will started to almost beg, not wanting to have to sedate his brother for obvious reasons but knowing if he didn’t get some rest then his chances of leaving tomorrow would plummet.<br/>“What if Mouse and I sat on the chairs right on each side of you? Would that make you feel better?”<br/>Jay relaxed a bit and looked over to the window, tilting his head. Mouse took the hint and stood up, marched (almost) to draw the curtain, covering the window into the open floor plan of the hospital wing.<br/>“I’ll take the door.” he said to Will, “See Jay, I’m here. No ones getting in, no one can see in, but you know I can see out. I got us.” He finished, knowing that's what Jay needed, to be able to see someone actually guarding the door.<br/>“And I’m right here brother.” Will said, gaining Jays attention again, “I’m always going to be right here. Please just get some sleep. I got you.”<br/>Will finally managed to get Jay to lay down, and once again holding one of his hands and swapping between gently running his fingers up and down his arm and running his fingers through his hair.<br/>Jay finally fell asleep, into a proper slumber. Both men left watching the heart monitor and Jay, waiting for a nightmare or a change in the rhythm to disturb the quiet they once again found themselves in.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. His Mind Battled With Itself</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Heyy,</p><p>I have no idea what this chapter is - its all over the place - im sorry...</p><p>kinda works tho as Jays heads all over the place so yeh im using that as my excuse :)</p><p>as always any and all mistakes are mine - lemme know what you think,</p><p>enjoy?<br/>Vx</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The next morning Jay awoke to Mouse, awake, by the door and Will, asleep, by his side.<br/>He couldn’t help but to think about what had led them here, to this moment.</p><p>Mouse left. He promised to look out for him when they came home and he didn’t manage to do that at first and Mouse had to take the lead, then he got better, but by then Mouse was gone. He let him down then. He let him down again when he let him reenlist. Then Abby turned up and brought back a boatload of unwanted memories, all he wanted to do was drink them away with Mouse by his side. But Erin couldn’t know how messed up he was, so he walked out. Pretending to be ok, but running away, like always. Then Erin left. And he shot that kid. And the nightmares came back. Running himself into the ground, staying awake, constantly moving, looking for something to do. Till he crashed on the couch in the break room at the district.<br/>What better way to get around the nightmares than to not sleep, or drink yourself into a deep slumber. He knew he was heading back down a hole he crawled out of, knew it when he saw off two bottles of vodka and a few bottles of beer talking to Louis. It was so easy to talk to someone like himself. <br/>A soldier: “I know what you’ve seen. Done.” <br/>A Ranger: “I see all of it. I see the valley. I see the kids, dogs”<br/>A comrade: “it ain’t ever gonna leave us man.”<br/>And he let him down, watched another person he tried to protect die because he wasn’t good enough. Quick enough.<br/>He ignored Upton's call, stumbling towards Camila’s door, seeking comfort, realising he doesn’t have to pretend with her. Camila knew he was a soldier, yes ok maybe he kept up the undercover persona but the way he felt and acted around her was real. Because she got it, she knew what it was like to care for someone and lose them, to be around a struggling soldier. And then that god forsaken party. He got caught out, by Hailey, by Voight and by Camila. <br/>He let them down.<br/>He broke their trust.<br/>He broke.</p><p>Cases came and went and he got worse. Not sleeping, hiding, nightmares, not talking to Will. Then that night happened and everything felt alright for a while. He didn’t have to think, he wasn’t expected to speak, he could just let the days pass him by in a haze. He knows he is constantly in fear and that whoever took him did a real number on him but he actually secretly misses the man, Sir, and how he took control.</p><p>At that thought he shakes his head, scoffing to himself and tries to roll over in the hospital bed, waking Will in the process. Mouse looked over at the sound<br/>“Morning, how are you feeling?”<br/>He just shrugged his shoulders.<br/>“Ready to get out of here?” Will joined in, Jay just letting a small nod out in response.<br/>“You sure you’re alright? Want us to get Charles in earlier?” Jay just shakes his head.<br/>“Ok, what do you want to do then?”<br/>Another shrug.<br/>“Come on Jay. What’s going on?” Mouse gets up out of the chair by the door and steps towards Jay. <br/>After shaking his head he lays there in silence, staring at the ceiling. Trying to figure out how to get out in the calmest and quickest way.<br/>Get home, be alone, not have to think or pretend. He just needed a moment to be alone and laying here in this bed, in this room, with this big window and everyone watching him was making him feel trapped, panicked almost. He needed them out, he just needed a minute.<br/>Tears started to well in his eyes, he was going to end up hurting them, let them down. Will saw the anguish in his eyes and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. Jay just shrugged him off and rolled onto his side, facing away from them, back to the door. A tear rolled down his face landing by his ear. <br/>“Alright, you want us to go?” Will asked, not knowing what was wrong with Jay nor what he wanted. <br/>A sniffle was his response, so patting Mouse on the back and whispering a short “come on” he turned and headed towards the door. <br/>Mouse left reluctantly, saying a final “Still here Jay. And I’m going to stay right here. You can’t push us away, not this time.” and shut the door behind him.</p><p>About an hour later, Jay was still laying on his side.<br/>He couldn’t stop thinking about everyone he couldn’t save, couldn’t help. Mouse left, Erin left, that little girl died, Louis died and Camila hates him. He just wanted it all to stop.<br/>He just had to pretend long enough for Ethan to do his check up and Dr Charles to clear him.</p><p>Still laying in silence, now laying on his back when he hears the door open. Looking over he sees Ethan pulling on a fresh set of gloves. <br/>“So Jay. One last check then once Charles clears you, you’re free to go. How does that sound?”<br/>Jay just looked at him, eyes following as he stepped closer to the bed. His shoulders come up as he crosses his arms.<br/>“Ok? So I'm just going to check these cuts and reattach the monitors so I can check them against when you first came in. I’m going to take another blood draw so that we can be certain that drugs all out of your system. But I need you to tell me if anything is wrong or doesn’t feel right. You have to work with me here Jay.” <br/>Jay looked over and nodded, shifting in the bed to sit up a bit. As Ethan got on with the check Jay retreated back into his head, not enjoying the feel of hands all over him. <br/>~<br/>He was laying on the bed in the basement, bleeding, bruised and battered when the door opened and the man entered the room. There is a bottle placed in front of him which he greedily drinks from and once that is empty, the fuzzy feeling appears. Breathing out a sigh and resting back he feels hands running up and down his arms and resting on his exposed chest. One hand grabs at his jaw, the other trailing down his chest to his stomach and eventually resting over his groin, he moans in discomfort. <br/>“Shhh little one. It’s ok.”<br/>“N-n-no, wait st-stop” he tried to mutter out.<br/>The hands continued their mission, running over every cut, bruise and burn. The man above him pressing down onto the cuts on his hips causing him to buck up in pain.<br/>“Oh little one, did that hurt? You have to remember that pain is only temporary as long as you let it hurt you. I’m trying to teach you. Ignore the pain and sink into it.”<br/>That confused him, how was he supposed to sink into the pain? When it was all he could feel. He tried to close his eyes, to not look into the face above him but the grip on his jay just got tighter.<br/>“What did I say about looking at me when I’m talking to you? I’m trying to help you, to teach you some manners. So look at me when I am talking to you.” the man yelled out<br/>“I-I don’t, what? Who?” he managed to push out, still not knowing who this person was nor what he wanted with him.<br/>“How long? Where? You?” he wasn't able to form a full sentence, head fuzzy from the water and the beatings. <br/>“You really don’t know who I am?<br/>A shake of the head was the reply.<br/>“That’s ok, you weren’t feeling quite yourself when we first met and I saved you from yourself the last time, that’s why you're here with me. You need help, you need direction and I’m going to keep you safe here with me.” <br/>“Last time?” he asked, still not able to ignore the hands roaming his body.<br/>“You were sad, had lost your way. You need someone to look after you and there was no one. You were alone. Then I saved you from yourself. Do you understand? You need to listen to me and only me and you’ll be alright.”<br/>He found himself slowly crying, tears rolling down his face, not fully understanding what was going on but nodding nonetheless. <br/>“Just let go and trust me, little one. Just relax.” the man said as he gently pulled down Jays boxers and ran his hands up and down his thighs, before pulling down his own trousers.</p><p> </p><p>“-y” “-ay” “Jay” “Halstead” “come on, hey man, look at me”<br/>Jay slowly regained his hearing, looking around the room he tried to remind himself that he was in the hospital and not a basement. Taking a few grounding breaths he looks over to see that it is still just Ethan and himself in the room, he finds himself grateful for that fact. <br/>“You ok?”<br/>“Ye-ea-yeah, um sorry?” he stutters out.<br/>“What was that Jay? Where did you go?”<br/>“Um, nowhere, just thinking.”<br/>“Oh yeah? About what?”<br/>“About how ready I am to get home, as good looking as you are, I'm ready to not see you for a while” Jay said, forcing a smirk.<br/>Ethan could tell that this whole interaction was forced and he could probably hazard a guess at what he was thinking about. But knowing his need to go to a familiar place to recover he ignores it and decides to let Charles deal with it.<br/>“Ah a wise guy!” he jokes back. “Ok Jay so, it looks like everything is healing nicely, unfortunately it seems like everything is going to scar. Your ribs have settled, and the taser burns have calmed down. The bruise on your neck is still a concerning colour but your voice seems to be working well, so we’ll have Will and Mouse keep an eye out on that. I'm good with letting you go home as everything seems to be on the right track, you still have Charles coming in, remember.”<br/>Jay nodded and let out a small “Thanks Ethan.”<br/>On his way out he patted Jay on the shoulder and tried to remind him of what he has around him, “Jay you know you can talk to me, right? We all just want to help, please let us help you. If you’re scared or don’t want to talk to Will and Mouse about whatever this is for fear of their reaction or treatment toward you then come talk to me or Charles, ok? Please.”<br/>“Yeah. ok. Thanks again” Jay tried for a smile but fell short, deciding on nodding instead. </p><p>He was alone again for only half a hour before Dr Charles entered his room, with a gentle knock and a smile the good doctor let himself in. <br/>“Hi Jay. One last talk then you can get home. I’m guessing you’re getting tired of people constantly coming in here and asking you questions so why don't we just have a chat?”<br/>Jay nodded and shrugged his shoulders, not knowing how else to answer.<br/>“Ok so, have you been sleeping better? I know Will has managed to get some sleep, he doesn't look as bad as before, small improvements” he said with a chuckle.<br/>Jay just shrugged his shoulders again, not looking up at the man.<br/>“What’s going on upstairs Jay? We need to talk if you want to get home. Why wont you talk to me?” Charles tried, with a gentle tone.<br/>“I-I-um”<br/>“It’s ok, you’re safe here, everything you say stays between the two of us. I promise.”<br/>“I don't want to say the wrong thing. I don't want to let people down.” he said in a whisper.<br/>“So saying nothing at all lets everyone decide for you how you're doing? Or not saying anything instead of what's really going on would make other people feel better? Am I right with these?”<br/>Nodding his head Jay starts picking at his lip. <br/>“I think that people want to hear how you are doing. I think hearing you say what you’re feeling lets people know you’re ok. And I think it would help you gain some control back.”<br/>Silence.<br/>“Alright. I saw Will and Mouse earlier in the break room? You been by yourself all day?”<br/>“Ye-yeah, i um just needed a minute.”<br/>“That’s good Jay. I know you don't think it is but it's progress. Asking for something for yourself and being able to be alone is good.”<br/>Jay just started shaking his head and playing with a scab on his arm.<br/>“N-no no its not. I pushed them out. I didn't ask or tell I just ignored them and they left. I’m not a baby, I can be left alone but I just pushed them away.”<br/>“And you can recognise what you did. Jay you have to believe me, they just want what you want. They just want to help and if you push them away they aren't going to stay away for too long. Now I know you want to get home so I’m going to need you to do something for me Jay.”<br/>He finally looked over at the doctor, lip trembling but still biting at his lip. <br/>“I’m going to need you to tell us, Will and Mouse even Voight, if something feels wrong or off. If you don’t feel right, if things get bad again you have to talk to someone. We can and want to help you. What happened to you these past two months has affected you and you may not want to accept that but the fall out may be huge if you don't lean on those around you.”<br/>Charles finished, eyes never leaving Jay’s face. He studied his body language, facial expressions making a mental note to jot them down when he wasn't with Jay. needing to hear a verbal confirmation from him he asks again “Can you do that for me Jay?”<br/>Slowly nodding his head he answers with a small “Yeah.”<br/>“Ok so I want to get Will and Mouse back in here with Ethan so that we can talk over you going home this evening. I'll be back in a bit.”<br/>With that Charles walked out of the room, on a mission to find the other three men in question.</p><p>Jay decided to try and stand again, to move to lean against the back wall to show people he wasn't broken, that he can do things on his own. And so removing the wires again he gets up on shaky legs and heads to the window facing the courtyard. Small tears escape his eyes, not knowing who to trust. 'Sir' who told him he needed him or his brothers, who left him before when things got hard. <br/>'Yeah but they're here now and they want to help'<br/>'Stupid they'll leave again'<br/>'No shut up stop it'<br/>'They're nice they want to help'<br/>'Will and Mouse want to help, they're here now.'</p><p>His mind battled with itself not knowing what to do he lent his forehead on the glass, appreciating the cooling nature of the panel. Subconsciously his hand was tracing the names he had carved onto his arm and he started to whisper his name over and over adding Will and Mouse in at some point, to ground himself in the here and now. </p><p>Not realising the broken expressions of his brothers standing at the door watching the movement and straining to hear the whispers coming from his mouth. A look between the two meant only one thing: We’re not leaving him, we’re taking him home. Together.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Pulse Point</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Heyy,</p><p>Hope you all are well.<br/>I just want to say a massive thank you to everyone who has reviewed and who keeps reviewing! This story wouldn't be going without you all! Keep your feedback and ideas/theories coming, they really do mean and help A LOT!</p><p>Hope you enjoy this chapter (the grounding technique Will uses is something I've used before and it really helps - if any one needs it (also don't be afraid to message me - always here for a chat)).</p><p>As always - any and all mistakes are mine, lemme know what you think,<br/>Enjoy!<br/>love ya,<br/>Vx</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Walking out of the hospital was an experience to say the least.</p><p>After a final chat with Charles, Ethan, Will and Mouse about home care for the still healing injuries and organising days where Dr Charles would come for sessions with Jay. Jay himself however was sitting in silence, letting them dictate what was happening as he knew all of his disagreements and oppositions would be ignored. Once all the plans were made and paperwork was signed they turned to look at Jay, Will asking “That sound ok to you Jay?”.<br/>Jay raised his head, letting out a quiet “Huh?”<br/>“Are you ready to go home now? Everything looks good, Dr Charles is going to visit every Tuesday and Thursday. Is that alright with you?” Ethan stepped forward, hoping he would react to his doctor.<br/>“Um” he looks towards Will and Mouse, seeing small comforting smiles on their faces he continues “Yeah, go home.” </p><p>And so after a minor debate “No. Don’t want.” and a “Jay you have to, its hospital policy” and a scowl on his face, Jay is sat in a wheelchair being pushed to the doors of the hospital.</p><p>After realising what was going on, he was getting to go home, he felt relief, like he could breathe again but as the exit doors grew closer he could feel himself start to panic. <br/>What if something went wrong? What if he came back? What if Will or Mouse got hurt and he couldn’t help them? What if he came back?</p><p>His thoughts and panic started to overwhelm him and his breathing picked up pace, Will noticed this and telling Mouse to keep going to get the car started, he crouched in front of Jay.<br/>“Hey bro, what’s going on?”<br/>Nothing, just rapid breaths.<br/>“You got to breathe, remember Jay just slow your breaths down.”<br/>Seeing that nothing was changing Will gently grabbed Jay’s hand and placed it on his chest, “Just follow my breathing. In and out. Slowly. Yeah that’s it, good, keep breathing, slow.” Will repeated to him, watching Jays breathing calm down.<br/>“Wanna tell me what that was about? Thought you wanted to get home?”<br/>Jay just looked down and shook his head.<br/>“Hey, come on, it’s me. It’s just me, your annoying but slightly better looking big brother. You can talk to me.” Will joked, hoping that would make him crack. But a small smile was his only response. <br/>“You want to get to the car now buddy? We’re nearly at the door then we’re home. Not much longer and we’ll be at our apartment, home. Alright? Just stay with me for a little longer.”<br/>Jay nodded and went to stand up out of the wheelchair, leaving it to one side and slowly following Will to the car. </p><p>Nervously sitting down in the back he noticed Will take the drivers seat from Mouse and Mouse climbed in the back beside him. And after a querying look from Jay, Mouse decided to bite the bullet and open up to Jay, thinking if he spoke about a memory then Jay would see that it was ok to open up, to talk about the rough times with his friends and family.<br/>“Um, I haven’t been able to sit in the front since the humvee accident. Took me a while to even get into a car once we got back stateside.” he said with a chuckle, looking towards Jay trying to gauge his reaction. Jay furrowed his brows and reached out a hand towards Mouse, hesitating and landing just beside his thigh, still not comfortable with lots of contact. A look of sadness and compassion washed over his face as he looked at his friend, seeing the slight tightness to his body and taking a steadying breath, he lifted his hand and rested it on Mouse’s arm. Mouse stilled at the contact but relaxed almost immediately, sensing how much strength it was taking Jay to initiate the contact, he knew that Jay remembered the accident and the subsequent fall out after that. Mouse patted his hand and gave him a smile letting him know how much he appreciated the gesture, and they both sat like that, hand in hand, in silence till they arrived back at the apartment. <br/>Will, while driving, kept looking up at the mirror, watching them but letting them have this moment, knowing they needed it. </p><p>Arriving at and getting into the apartment was not as bad as Will thought it would be following the episode at the hospital, he was however grateful to whoever it was (most likely Hailey and Kim) for tidying up the place while they had practically moved into the hospital with Jay. Everything was in place, not an empty bottle in sight and yet when offered the notion of bed, Jay refused and headed towards the couch. <br/>Mouse and Will watched as he sat down timidly, slowly looking around the room. A look was passed between the two and Will headed to the kitchen to get a glass of water for them all while Mouse headed for a blanket he knew Jay kept in the closet and sat down next to him, picking up the tv remote and switched Netflix on. He flicked for something that was easy to watch and lighthearted, not wanting to accidentally shift the mood the wrong way, he put on ‘New Girl’. They had started to watch it together when cases got a bit rough and they needed to get out of the district but wanting to avoid bars and the habits they bring up. <br/>Will walked back towards the couch balancing three glasses of water and a bowl of popcorn, sensing the easy atmosphere he plopped down on Jay's other side, eliciting a chuckle out of the other men. <br/>Over the duration of about three episodes Jay had managed to almost fully relax, after spending the entirety of the first episode looking around the room, eyes darting from the door, to the tv and to the men either side of him. The glass of water however was left untouched. Realising the time Will shifted so that he could gain the others attention, saying “Guys how about we head to bed? It’s been a pretty eventful day and I am beat.” He started, hoping that by saying he was tired Jay would follow suit. <br/>No such luck.<br/>“Come on Jay, I’ll take the couch.” Mouse offered, also hoping Jay would go get some rest.<br/>Again nothing.<br/>“Come on bro. What’s going on? You’ve got to get some sleep in a proper bed at some point, why not start tonight?” Will suggested. <br/>Jay just mutely shook his head, a look of fear on his face.<br/>“Hey Jay. It's just us, you can talk to us. What's going on in that head of yours bud?” Mouse tried again.<br/>“I-I-um I” Jay stuttered out, voice failing him. After taking a moment, Mouse and Will’s hands hovering near him but not touching till he ok’d it. “What um wh-what if um. No this - i don’t - real” he pushed out, not being able to find the right words, the right way to say what was running through his mind.<br/>Closing his eyes tightly and clenching his fists by his sides, Jay started to shake. <br/>Another look was passed between Will and Mouse, both deciding to rest a hand on Jay's shoulder and knee.<br/>“Oh Jay” Mouse breathed out “I promise you this is real. Come on, deep down you know this is real. You’re home, you're with us, your family. You’re safe, I promise. We’re still gonna be here when you wake up.” <br/>Jay just kept shaking his head, jaw clenching up as well.<br/>“Hey baby bro. Can you feel my hand on your shoulder?” <br/>A small, tense nod.<br/>“Ok, how about now, where is my hand?”<br/>Jay didn't speak, just leaned his head into Wills hand.<br/>“Right. Think you can open this hand up? I want you to try something.” Will said, his hand, the one not occupied with rubbing circled on Jay's head, tapped the hand at his side, helping Jay to understand what he meant. Once the fist was loosened Will started up with his plan.<br/>“Ok Jay, I want you to touch my hair.”<br/>Mouse pulled a confused face but sat in silence, trusting that Will knew what he was doing.<br/>Jay lifted a shaky hand towards the top of Wills head, fingers interlacing with the strands.<br/>“Ok good. Now can you touch the sleeve of my tee shirt?”<br/>Jay followed the instruction, breathing slowing down, becoming less tense.<br/>“That’s it. Can you feel the side of my neck?”<br/>Jay's hand slowly moved to the side of Will’s neck, landing on the pulse point.<br/>“You feel that?”<br/>A small nod, eyes still closed, less tight.<br/>“That's my heartbeat ok. It proves I’m real. That this is real.” Mouse took a steadying breath watching Jay calm down. Will looked over, silently asking if he would be ok with what came next and following a nod, Will continued. “Use your other hand and touch Mouse’s hair.”<br/>Jay’s other hand shakily rose to intertwine with Mouse’s hair. Fingers playing with the strands.<br/>“You got it. Now touch his jeans, at the knee.” Will changed it up, wanting Jay to feel different textures.<br/>Jay slowly moved his hand down to run a finger over the denim knee of his best friend. Again his breathing continued to slow, retaining a normal pace, becoming more relaxed.<br/>“Right now same as with me I want you to feel the side of his neck.” Mouse stilled at the contact of Jays hand at the pulse point on his neck. Taking in a deep breath he willed his  pulse to stay steady to keep Jay calm.<br/>“You feel that? Mouse is here. He is real, I’m real, this is real. Ok, you’re home with me and Mouse, we got you out.” Will kept on with the quiet ministrations, Mouse sitting in awe at what just happened. <br/>“You with us bud? Wanna open your eyes for us?”</p><p>Jay slowly opened his eyes, looking between Will and Mouse, noticing where his hands were on them and where their hands were on him. He somehow both relaxed into and shied away from the touches so they moved their hands once he seemed stable enough.<br/>“You ok?” Will asked.<br/>Jay nodded and replied with a quiet “tired.”<br/>“Ok let's get to bed then shall we? We can do it like when we were kids, I’ll pull my mattress in and we can bunk like we used to”<br/>Seeing that Jay seemed to like that idea, Mouse led him to his room to get changed as Will managed to drag his double mattress and duvet into Jay's room.</p><p>Once all three were laying down, Jay once again in the middle, they each lay awake, pretending to sleep, trying to figure out how to get through the days.</p><p>Together.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. But You Did</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Heeyyy yall.<br/>sorry this took this long to come out... I haven't had a day off from work in like 9 days and i am so excessively knackered. everything seems to be going wrong and I really cant be dealing with it anymore.<br/>going to start to bring a notebook to work with me to help escape that reality for a bit on my breaks...</p><p>As always I have no clue what this chapter is, any and all mistakes are mine.<br/>lemme know what you think,<br/>enjoy :)<br/>Vx</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jay awoke, slowly but surely. His hearing once again came back to him first. Rolling over onto his side he can tell he's on a mattress. Alone. <br/>Wait<br/>No<br/>No. no. no.<br/>He can’t be <br/>Will promised.<br/>He - he promised</p><p>Jay could feel his breathing picking up pace but somehow forced himself to look around the room to see where he was and what was there.<br/>There was only one door.<br/>There was a bed frame with no mattress on, two mattresses on the floor, pushed together.<br/>A chest of drawers.<br/>Photo frames and a tv donned the walls.<br/>A folded american flag in a glass case sat atop a shelf next to a picture of a unit in fatigues surrounded by desert.<br/>There was a window with light curtains slightly pushed back, letting the sun shine through.</p><p>He calmed down, this isn’t that room. <br/>Sir isn’t here<br/>This was his room.<br/>The photos helped to remind him of where he was, seeing the people surrounding him in the many stages of his life, captured in glass and metal helped to slow his breathing.<br/>He managed to stand and wander the room, taking the time to look at each and every image, saying the peoples names aloud, a small whisper as he got to those who had passed.</p><p>A clatter and a ‘fuck sake’ followed by laughter brought him out of his trance.<br/>Will.<br/>Mouse.<br/>A small smile came to his face as he forced himself towards the door and taking a grounding breath he turned the handle and pushed himself through the doorway. <br/>Following the sounds, he finds himself ending up in the kitchen, stopping at one side of the counter, he rests and watches the two men move and work.<br/>Mouse turns around, sensing another presence and sees Jay. He doesn't call out to him however, only offers a small smile in greeting knowing he will make himself known when he feels ready.<br/>It takes a couple minutes before Will notices his brother, it happens when he is turning to grab some kitchen roll and a couple plates for their meal.<br/>“Shitting hell Jay! When did you get there?” he exclaims with a laugh, putting one hand over his heart to calm himself. Mouse just breaks into hysterics.<br/>“Wait. You knew he was there? How?! Oh come on” Will continues in a playful whining tone.<br/>This results in making a small smile form of Jay's face, a breath of a laugh coming out.<br/>‘Victory’ Mouse thinks.</p><p>Thinking back to what Dr Charles suggested, the three of them striving for normality, Mouse finished cooking their meal, Will got the plates and everything ready, Jay wondering where to put himself. Mouse could sense his unease and gently called out to him to help plate up while Will got the drinks going.<br/>Since it was around 10:30 they decided to go for some light late breakfast. Plates were stacked with pancakes, bacon, scrambled and fried eggs, fried mushrooms and onion with a side of hashbrowns.<br/>It was decided that they would each make up their own plates, keeping in mind that Jay had only been back on solid food for about two days. He had paused for a moment and after watching the other men dig in he made up a small plate with one pancake, a bit of scrambled egg and two pieces of bacon, actively avoiding the mushrooms and added a small bit of the onions and a hashbrown to the mix. Will and Mouse filled their plates, the stress lessening reminding them of how little they ate while sitting in the hospital or trying to find Jay. They both watched as Jay hesitated.<br/>“You all good buddy?” Mouse asked, getting a small shrug in response.<br/>Jay’s eyes darted from Mouse to Will and to the kitchen then down to his plate.<br/>It’s fine.<br/>Don’t eat it<br/>They wouldn’t do that.<br/>See look, they're eating it and they are fine.<br/>But they’ll know what one has what in it.<br/>Just do it.<br/>Don't do it.<br/>His mind screamed at him, he couldn't figure out what side was telling the truth. Clenching his fists on his lap he closed his eyes, slightly shaking his head.<br/>“Jay, you alright?” Will asked this time, his knife and fork hitting the side of his plate as he put them down. The noise made jay flinch slightly and lift his head. He could see that his and Mouse’s plates were half empty now and they seemed fine. Tilting his head and furrowing his brows, he looked back at his plate.<br/>“It’s ok. You don’t have to rush. We have all day. Just eat when you’re ready, but bud you have to eat something at some point .”<br/>Hearing the form of an ok from Will, Jay slowly lifted his fork and fed himself some eggs.</p><p>He managed to eat half of his serving of eggs, half the pancake and a piece of bacon, with some syrup. Which impressed all three of them, now they just had to hope and pray that it stayed down.</p><p>The time was now 2:45, they had just cleared away the mess from cooking and stored away the leftovers, Will and Mouse having made conversation and cracking jokes while telling stories to keep the tone light and attention off of Jay while he tried to make himself eat. However, Mouse noticed Jay’s drink, still full, sitting to the side of him.<br/>With it taking a lot longer than either of them had planned, they looked to Jay asking him how he wanted to spend the rest of the day. Jay just looked at them, eyes wide, mouth agape. Mouse tried again.<br/>“So, Jay. How would you like to spend the rest of this fine Chicago day?” thinking a bit of humour and a playful news presenters tone of voice would help sway things their way for once.<br/>Jay just stood staring still. Mouth shaking, as if trying to form words. Instead he lifted a shaky finger and pointed towards himself, his eyebrow raised.<br/>“Yeah, you.” Will said with a calm voice.<br/>“uh-um-I” he cleared his throat, “We. um...”<br/>“It’s ok. Uh, how about we play a game?” Mouse suggested.<br/>Will and Jay just raised a brow, making Mouse burst out laughing.<br/>“Wow! Do you guys realise how alike you two look when you do that? You guys have that look down to a T. Identical! It’s weird.” he finished with a shiver.<br/>Jay and Will just looked at each other, seeing the same look on the other's face. They let the expression slip to a smile, Jay shrugging it off but Will decided to add to the joke.<br/>“Yeah, we learnt from the best. You should have seen the look on mom’s face when we did it back to her.”<br/>Jay felt his smile grow at the mention of their mom, Will noticing and thinking to himself ‘always a momma's boy’.<br/>“So this game?” Will asked, wanting to keep Jays mind away from remembering the sad times with their mother before she passed.<br/>“Yeah so basically we, me and you Will, list off things to do and Jay you can decide what one sounds best to you?” Mouse suggested. This was of thinking would help Jay as he didn’t have to make a decision for himself from scratch, and as Charles explained, this might be difficult based on what he has been through. So by offering ideas and letting him decide one of them, they were both letting Jay decide while they were also slightly deciding. <br/>After tossing a few ideas back and forth they had decided a walk in the park would not be so, the district wasn’t even mentioned, and anything to do with crowds or more people than their small group could provide was instantly declined.<br/>A few more ideas later and they were sat on the couch, an old rerun of the Blackhawks game playing in the background while the three men were lost in their own heads. Jay was once again sat in the middle, Will and Mouse either side, giving him enough distance while still remaining to let him know they were going to stay.<br/>About half way through the game, Will felt a small weight on his shoulder, and could see Jay was dozing off. He looked over to Mouse trying to alert him of this small progress when he felt a grip tighten on the front of his shirt and a wet patch forming on his shoulder.<br/>“Mouse” Will whispered, arching his head to gesture down to Jay. <br/>“Hey bud, you ok?” he asked.<br/>Nothing <br/>“Hey, Jay? It's ok, you’re home. You’re in Chicago at your apartment. Will is here.”<br/>He let out a small sniffle, shaking his head, the grip on Wills top getting tighter.<br/>“Jay, hey bro? You need to calm down, let go of my shirt, it’s ok. I’m not going anywhere.”<br/>Jay just let out a sob. Shaking his head more adamantly he turned away from Will. Mouse tried reaching out and panicking, Jay stood up.<br/>“Hey, woah it’s ok. You’re ok. We're right here. We got you.” Will continued, edging closer to standing from the couch. Mouse was a bit startled from the speed at which Jay stood up at and so remains on the couch, staring.<br/>“Yeah bud. It’s us. You got us. We got you. We’re not going anywhere. We promise.”<br/>“Yeah, come on little brother. Talk to us. What’s going on? We wanna help, we’re not going to leave you.”<br/>Jay had been shaking his head again, but stops at Will’s final sentence, and looks at them both with a stoic look on his face. Memories bubble to the surface, Will leaving, his mom dying, the tours, Mouse leaving, Mouse coming back, Will coming back and Mouse leaving again.<br/>With another tear rolling down his face, he lets out a scoff and turns on his heel storming towards his room, leaving the men in the room with a despondent and angry “But you did”. <br/>The slamming of the door followed but an angry yell and a punch to the wall were the last sounds from Jay's direction, leaving Will and Mouse in silence, both in shock at how everything suddenly turned.<br/>They needed to fix this… How?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Let Us In</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Yo.<br/>Can't believe this is at chapter 20! This is all down to you guys! A massive THANK YOU to every one who ready, leaves kudos and comments, it really does make my day. (wipes a small tear from my eye)</p><p>This one kinda ran away from me and I think I like where it went, going to try and introduce Jay to more people soon. <br/>Don't know how I'm feeling about a whole romance idea, might just stick with brostead and mousestead (anyone kinda ship them? lemme know) what do yall think or suggest?</p><p>as always any and all mistakes are mine, lemme know what yous think,<br/>enjoy,<br/>Vx</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>But you did.</p><p>The words repeat in his head, over and over, a never ending cycle.<br/>He thinks of the times through his life where Will and Mouse had said they were there, that they weren’t leaving and then they did. He thought they would never come back, that he would be alone and he couldn't take that.<br/>When Will left the first time, as much as he hated it, Jay celebrated. His brother, his big brother was going to college to study and practice what he loved. He could help people other than himself and could make a real difference to people’s lives. He understood. He was alone with his father, but he understood why he left. What he couldn’t understand though was why didn’t he come home when he knew mom was ill? That she was dying? Why didn’t he come home. He needed his big brother after his first tour, needed him when his mom died and he signed up for another. Needed him when he came home the final time, after the summer and after the humvee. But he had Mouse that time. And then he helped Jay and he lost him. Jay was better, was edging on ok and Mouse disappears, leaves. But he understood, not having something to focus all of your energy into can lead to a slip, and slip he did. Jay finally found him a while later, still being his medical contact and got him in as a CI, and then into Intelligence. And Mouse was edging on ok, so ok that Sergeant Ortiz reached out and thought that he would go back in. Then he left. After they promised to look out for each other when they got back, after they promised each other that even if they hadn't had the discharge that they wouldn’t go back.<br/>So yeah his head was a bit all over, then Abby, then Erin left, then he shot that girl, then he got Louis killed, then he got Camila arrested. <br/>And throughout all of that, he needed his brothers but they kept leaving.</p><p>After pacing around his room for a while, occasionally punching a wall or dresser, his thoughts running rampant, he slid down the back far wall, curled his legs up and faced the door. Tears streaming down his cheeks, rage making his breathing heavy. Thinking it all through, everyone who left, left him. It is his fault.<br/>Looking around the room he spots a glass cup on the bedside tale, and again with anger and sadness filling his soul, he picks it up and throws it against a wall. Looking at the broken glass shards scattered on the floor, Jay cant help but find solace and see himself within the pile. The glass was whole once upon a time but something happened to it and it got chipped, cracked. Now, one single act has broken it. He broke it. He broke. And he wasn’t too sure he could or would feel whole, together, fixed again.<br/>Picking up one of the shards , he looks through it, at the distorted image behind it and feeling something bubble in his chest he edges his sweats down and makes four more angry lines across his thigh. He finally let out a shaky breath once the final cut was made. Jay looked down at the blood pushing its way to the surface, he felt a moment of relief, his eyes closing as he rested his head back against the wall.<br/>Once the moment passes and the pain and fear creeps back in, Jay looks around the room at the mess he made. Trying to find the strength in him not to care, he can feel his hands starting to shake. Dread and panic oozes out into his chest and brain and suddenly he's up and tidying the mess, small cuts appearing on his hands as he scoops up the glass, finding a bin to put the broken pieces in. he looks down at himself and quickly changes into back sweatpants, knowing that it would be harder to see the blood, meaning not as many questions asked.<br/>He goes back to sitting against the far back wall, facing the door, waiting for the inevitable.</p><p> </p><p>While this is all going down, Will and Mouse are still sitting in the living room, trying to give Jay some space.<br/>They sat in silence, occasionally jumping when there's a punch to the wall or a sob, but not interfering, knowing Jay needed the space to work through things.<br/>They each sat in their own heads, trying to figure out where they had gone wrong and how the day switched so quickly. <br/>They were joking, seemingly having a good day but evidently Jay was deeper in his head than they thought.<br/>“What do we do man?” Will looked to Mouse, seeking advice. Mouse had been through something like this with Jay more times than he had so he just hoped that he had some ideas.<br/>“I don’t know Will. Honestly. I think we just have to give him space, like Dr Charles said, let him come to us. It’s gonna take some time but he has to feel safe or comfortable here before he can do anything, you know that” He supplied.<br/>Will knew that. Logically he knew that Jay had to feel safe somewhere or with someone before he would talk. He also knew, medically, that things took time to heal from.<br/>“Should we call the team round? Or would that be too much too soon?” <br/>“No, that may be a good idea Will. Maybe start with Voight and Hailey first? He seemed to be slightly comfortable with him in the hospital and I think Hailey will kill one of us if she doesn’t get to see her partner soon.” Mouse said with a small chuckle.</p><p>After firing off texts, making a small plan, Voight and Hailey were at work but were going to swing round with coffee and some food from Jay’s favourite coffee house on his route to the district. See if that lightens the mood.<br/>Once they had received an affirmative from the two, they heard glass smashing and deciding to give it a few minutes, it was the silence from the room down the hall that concerned them the most. They both stood, quickly, and headed towards Jay’s room.</p><p>Knocking at the door Will let out a quiet “Hey bro, it’s me and Mouse. Can we come in?” he was met with silence. Shock. <br/>Mouse followed up with a “Come on man, we just want to see if you’re ok? We just want to know what happened so we can help. Please let us in.”<br/>Please let us in<br/>That phrase held multiple meanings and Jay understood and heard every single one. <br/>Let them in the room.<br/>Let them in, let them understand.<br/>Let them help.</p><p>A soft “its open” was heard through the door, and slowly opening it they looked around the room at the minimal damage, aside from small spots of blood on the walls and a missing glass cup from the bedside table. Their eyes landed on Jay at the same time as they both let out a breath of “Jay” in sync with each other. Curled up against the wall, fresh tears in his eyes, fresh split knuckles with blood coating his hands was Jay, again making himself look very small compared to his usual stature. <br/>“Hey bud.” Mouse said upon entering the room, taking slow steps towards him, trying not to spook him.<br/>“Jay, I need to take a look at your hands for a second. Is that alright?” brother Will took a back seat as doctor Will stepped forward, his small med bag making an appearance. <br/>Jay just let out a breath and a small shrug, still not meeting their eyes.<br/>“Come on buddy, talk to us” Mouse tried to spark a conversation, or at least gain a reaction off him while Will cleaned and wrapped his hand. <br/>“Jay, please. What’s going on?”<br/>Jay mumbled a whispered phrase.<br/>“What?” Will said softly.<br/>“Why did you leave. Promised and then left.” Jay tried. His emotional state was making his speaking ability and comfort regress. <br/>“What do you mean, we’re right here?” Mouse said, having some idea what he was on about but needing to hear Jay say it. Realising he had been needing Jay to say it the day he left for another tour.<br/>“Tour and New York. You left. And promised.” he forced out. He started shaking his head, all three were sat on the floor, Will still gently holding the hand he just finished wrapping, Mouse sitting to his side. They knew what he was trying to say, his clear abandonment issues coming to light.<br/>“My fault. Sorry.” Jay added, wiping at the tears with his free hand.<br/>“What do you mean Jay? Why are you sorry?”<br/>“It’s my fault. You left dad. You wouldn’t have left if I didn’t mess up and make him mad.” <br/>Will was shocked, stunned to find out that Jay still blamed himself for what happened in their childhood.<br/>“Hey buddy, we went over this. None of that was your fault. I don’t know what else or how else to tell you, remind you. Dad wasn’t your fault.” taking Jays cheek in his spare hand he gently forced Jay to look at him. “I know I left, and I know that it must have hurt but you have to believe me when I say that I left dad, not you. I left so that I could make a new life for me, you, us. You sort of knew what you wanted to do with your life, you were sometimes standing your ground with him and I thought that you didn't need me anymore. I’m sorry if I made you feel that way, I really am Jay. But I’m here now, and I promise I’m not leaving again.”<br/>Jay looked into his brother's eyes, searching for the lie, the act, but found nothing but sincerity. His eyes welled with tears as he nodded his head, and pulled Will into a big hug.<br/>Pulling apart Jay looks to Mouse, needing to hear from him before he could fully settle. Mouse knew what he was looking for, having heard what Jay had said earlier, needing to make him understand why.<br/>“I'm sorry.” probably not the best starter but here it goes. “I know you were looking out for me, I know we promised each other when we got back and I know we both fell outta line for a while and that's on me, not you. I just - you - um.” He looked to Jay, taking his other hand in both of his, clearing his throat he looked for the words to say. “I left because of you.” Jays face fell, good one Mouse.<br/>“Not like that. I left because you helped me get better, you helped me get through all of the shit. You made me feel like everything was ok again, and that gave me the strength to accept Sergeant Ortiz’s offer to re-enlist. Because I knew you would be there for me when I got back, that we were both in the place where I wouldn't be allowed to fall that far again. You gave me a family, you gave me hope.” there was a silent thank you left on his lips, but he knew it wouldn’t be accepted right now. Jay did what he did to Will and pulled Mouse into a hug, nodding into his shoulder.</p><p>After they had sat back looking and thinking for about 10 minutes they decided it was time to move. <br/>“So how about we rewatch a bears game? I think Voight and Hailey mentioned coming over tomorrow so why don't we watch the game, order some pizza and get an early night?” Will suggested.<br/>Jay nodded in agreement, letting out the smallest “Yeah, all on the couch again?”<br/>Mouse smiled at that, “yeah bud, we’ll all sit on the couch. You want the middle?”<br/>Jay nodded with a smile on his face, and the three headed out to the couch, Jay grabbing blankets, mouse grabbing a drink and the remote while Will placed the order. <br/>Things seemed to be looking up tonight.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. The 'Jay Chill'</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hey,</p><p>so I'm home for a couple days - needed the small escape... and so this chapter was born<br/>hope its okay for you guys, don't think there's anything particularly triggering but be cautious as there may be a small mention of something(?).</p><p>as always any and ALL mistakes are mine,<br/>lemme know what you think.<br/>enjoy, ly,<br/>Vx</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was around midday the next day when Jay seemed to switch. He showered on his own, after a minor stare down with Will, and came out different. He seemed to stand taller, but more rigid and emerged from his room in dark sweats and a long sleeved top, heading for a separate seat in the living room.<br/>Will and Mouse stopped what they were doing and just stared at Jay in disbelief. A look was shared between them, confusion and a little apprehension. They stepped into the room, each with a glass of water, offering one to Jay, who refused. <br/>“So… um, you ok?” Will starts.<br/>“Ye…” he cleared his throat, “yeah um yeah, you?”<br/>Their brows rose, did he just answer them with words?<br/>“Yeah, we are.” Mouse says, trying to hide how stunned he is, “You ready to see Voight and Upton today?”<br/>“Yeah. It'll be nice.”<br/>They shared another look.<br/>“Ookay?” Will dragged out.<br/>However, not wanting to question this change in Jay for fear of a fight or breakdown, Will just sat back on the couch and turned Netflix on and set New Girl off to play, finding he had quite enjoyed it the other day.</p><p>After about an hour of just sitting and passing concerned glances between them, each keeping an eye on Jay, who stands up and heads for the bathroom. Once the door clicks shut, Mouse tries to gain Will’s attention with a “What the fuck is going on?”<br/>“I don’t know man. But we got to remember this is Jay. the guy who pushes all the problems down.”<br/>“Yeah, I get that. Guess we’ll just have to see how it is when Voight and Hailey get here.”<br/>Will nodded in response, throwing a comforting smile to his companion.<br/>Hearing a knock on the door, and Will's phone pinging with a message, Mouse gets up to answer the door, looking for something to do.<br/>“Hey Mouse, I hope our timing is alright?” Voights gruff voice rang out, causing a smile to form on Wills face.<br/>“Yeah Sarge, it’s fine. Jay actually seems to be in a sociable mood so far.” Mouse replied, letting the two into the apartment.<br/>“Hey Will, we brought provisions.” Hailey said, a chuckle to her statement.<br/>“Oh my god, you guys are saviours. This is from the good coffee house?! You guys!” Will exclaimed, practically bouncing with excitement.<br/>Hearing the commotion coming from the kitchen, Jay takes a deep breath, and slowly opens the door to the main areas. Stepping into the doorway of the kitchen he lets a smile fall onto his face, and says a strong “Hey guys.”<br/>Hailey looks up, startled, Voight tries not to let his reaction show. <br/>“Look who's up and about. Want a coffee kid?” Voight says, including Jay into the group setting.<br/>After a small nod from Jay, coffee and sandwiches were being passed around before they headed to the living room. Small chatter filled the space, Jay sitting on a separate chair while everyone else cramped onto the couch, Mouse on the floor. Jay was trying to stay present, acting like everything was alright, but found himself zoning out, his head getting too loud. <br/>They’re going to leave you.<br/>They’re only here to kick you off the team.<br/>Will and Voight notice the change in Jay’s demeanour, while Hailey and Mouse are swapping stories about the unit and nodding to each other, Will grabs hold of Mouse’s shoulder, directing him to his bedroom. Leaving Hailey to talk with Jay while they have a chat of their own.</p><p>“So, how have you been? Those two driving you up the wall yet?” Hailey starts, opting for humour. <br/>And apparently failing when a smile is all she gets in response.<br/>“Hey, partner. It’s just me here, come on.”<br/>“Hailey. I’m good.” he offers an almost sincere smile then looks down at his hands, starting to fidget.<br/>“You’re doing that thing” she pauses, he looks up, brows creased and eyes wide. “The ‘Jay Chill’. You know, where you don’t want to show your feelings so you put on this face for Will, Mouse, whoever, of what you think we wanna see.” she finishes, voice soft.<br/>Jay pulls a face, akin to that of a scared child, replying in a quiet defensive tone “What’s wrong with that.” shoulders coming up, protective.<br/>“Well, nothing if I was partnered with that face guy but, I wanna be partnered with the guy who lives right here.” she adds, softly pointing to his chest, hand resting above his heart.<br/>They look at each other in silence for a beat, Jay trying to process what Hailey is saying.<br/>“You know if you’re mad; you can - you can yell at me Jay, you can scream at us, we’re not going to break” she kept her voice soft.<br/>Jay looked straight at her now, voice gaining a small bit of confidence, fear still coating his face, “you won’t leave?” eyes darting away for a second, catching Mouse standing in the doorway, hesitant to know the answer.<br/>Hailey notices the extra person and steps away so that Mouse can join them. He just gently grabs both of Jay’s hands in his, “Never.” looking into his eyes he finishes with “You can tell me anything Jay”<br/>Clearing his voice, Jay goes to stand saying, “look, um - I’m just really glad you’re home.”<br/>“Yeah, I’m home.” he says slowly. Turning to face Jay he continues, noticing the change in mood and topic. “But uh you’ve checked out on me, can we talk about this?”<br/>Getting defensive again Jay pushes back with “What’s there to talk about, you get clean and go to rejoin the rangers and Abby comes back, and Erin leaves and I shoot that kid and then I get Louis killed and I pull a gun on Hailey and then get Camila arrested and now she hates me. No one on the team trusts me and then I screw everything up again by getting black out drunk that night and not pulling the trigger on time.” he yells out.<br/>Voight and Will enter the room, hearing raised voices, wondering what happened.<br/>“Jay, what are you talking about?” Hailey says, startled, not knowing what had happened the night Jay went missing nor the extent of what he was trying to bottle up.<br/>“Hey Halstead, breathe. Come on kid, why don’t we go have a talk.” Voight says, practically shooing the other three out of his way as he leads Jay to his bedroom, Will pulling a stunned Mouse into a hug, Hailey shaking her head sadly.</p><p>He couldn’t breathe. His head was screaming at him, his thigh burned for release, fresh tears were on his cheeks and yet he couldn’t breathe.<br/>“Damn it!” he exclaims fists flying to his hair, tugging as Voight gets him to sit.<br/>“Come on Halstead. Jay, kid, you can do this. Just breathe for me.” Voight repeats, trying to uncurl Jay’s fists out of his hair, pulling one to his chest, to try and get him to feel his heartbeat. Something Will had suggested.<br/>Once his breathing seemed to be under control, Voight tried to get him to talk again. <br/>“Halstead. What was that out there?” he says in a gentle yet gruff tone, thinking that he needs the authoritative tone right now to ground him.<br/>Shaking his head Jay tries to explain “I - she - I um.” clearing his throat and letting out a frustrated sigh, running a hand over his face he rushes out “I just couldn’t breathe. He wanted to talk but I just exploded on him.” he took a second to pause. His head shoots up, eyes wide, voice trembling, “He’s gonna think it’s his fault. He’s gonna - he - I’m sorry!” he cries.<br/>“Hey, no. It’s ok, he doesn’t think that. If I’m being honest, I think everyone respects you a bit more now that you spoke up, pushed back. You may not see it but this is a step forward, you reacted in a way that didn’t have you shrinking back from us and you spoke, in full sentences.” never one for beating around the bush, always saying it straight.<br/>“I’m sorry.” Jay says again, not really knowing why.<br/>“You want to stay in here or head out to see the others?”<br/>“Mouse.” ah so back to small sentences then. Voight assumes that Jay means to head back to the living room to see the others, so he stands and offers a hand to his detective. He decides that while he is getting him to stand up he should do a full inventory, see how he is doing. So subtly checking him over he can see the bags under Jay's eyes are no better, although not any worse, his weight hasn't improved, he still looks fragile and slightly frail, the bruises seem to be lightening off, the cuts less angry or red. A new thing he has noticed is how dehydrated he seems, the sluggishness, the light skin tone, the signs of a forming headache and the dry mouth.<br/>He makes a mental note to mention it to Will as they leave so that he doesn’t end back up in the hospital after he passes out.<br/>Once arriving into the living room they are greeted with the sight of Hailey bringing a tea through for Mouse, Will sat beside him rubbing his shoulder and whispering into his ear, whatever was said staying between them.<br/>Hailey alerted them of their presence with a gentle “Hey Mouse, turn around”, Jay and Mouse locked eyes immediately, Jay taking a few steps forward to take the space on the side not occupied by his brother. He slowly lifts his hand to Mouse's arm and grips it gently, seemingly conveying everything he was wanting to say through this touch and the look they were sharing.<br/>“Come on Hailey, the guys will be wondering where we are.” Voight says, quietly to Hailey and Will, not wanting to interrupt the moment happening in front of them. <br/>He however disregards that idea as he steps towards Jay, resting a hand on his shoulder and leans down to talk, looking around to make sure no one is listening he leans in. “Kid. You can get through this, I know you can. You’ve found a million different ways to prove to me and the world just how strong you are. Time to prove it to yourself. That seat upstairs is still yours and waiting for you, whenever you are ready. Remember I’m just a call away kiddo.”<br/>As they leave, Jay and Mouse still sitting on the couch, Voight pulls Will at the door, “I think you might want to give Charles a call, and check him over, he's looking tired and dehydrated. Take care of yourselves.”<br/>“Bye guys.” Hailey called back to the room, patting Will on the arm after a small hug, Voight doing the same.<br/>Closing the door, Will heads back to the living room to find Mouse and Jay curled up, asleep. He covers them with a blanket, takes a quick photo and sends it off to Voight before dropping Dr Charles a message asking if he could swing by later.<br/>Will goes to tidy up, letting the two men nap, their emotions running hot must have made them tired, he thinks.</p><p>Today went a lot smoother than he anticipated, maybe he needed to talk with or see someone that wasn’t Mouse or himself, in a more casual setting. He knew he would have to address the outburst at some point but thought best to leave it to Charles when he got there.<br/>Wanting to let the guys sleep as long as possible, Will heads to his room, intent on reading a book when tiredness hits him too and before he knows it his book is resting on his chest, and his eyes are closing.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>OH also... forgot to say - if a scene looks familiar its because i watched ATWT the other day and this scene about the Will Chill stood out and yelled at me.<br/>so credits to the ATWT writers and to the cast n crew and whoever else I need to credit :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. What Did He Do Jay?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Yo!</p><p>Sorry this took so long!!<br/>Lil update for y'all - I had a bad brain day and fucked off home for a few days (where I think I posted my last chapter? don't know anymore) and since then I've been at work, tested positive for covid (not too bad no worries) and bought a new laptop... SOOOO... my head is MASHED. But we move :p<br/>also we have had no internet ALL DAY today and I have a feeling same tomorrow :(((<br/>This chapter kinda ran away from me (hence the length) but I hope its ok.<br/>A couple T/W for some things listed in the tags but mainly for mentions of rape.<br/>As always any and all mistakes are mine,<br/>Please lemme know what you think,<br/>Enjoy,<br/>ly, Vx</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Forget.<br/>
That's all he wanted to do.<br/>
Just forget.<br/>
How was he supposed to do that? He’s jumping at loud noises, flinches when someone moves too fast around him and he can’t stand the feel of someone else’s hands on him.<br/>
Forget.<br/>
How did he do this before?<br/>
He knew there was a way but something is telling him that Mouse and Will wouldn’t approve.</p><p>He is standing in the kitchen, hands gripping the counter, head bowed.<br/>
Mouse has been watching him for the past 20 minutes while Will is out on a shop run. He notices the tight posture, the methodical shaking of his head and the rhythmic tapping of his fingers on the counter top. He sees the scabs picked off the cuts, a bit of fresh blood spotting up from the deeper wounds. The slight tremor flowing through his body bringing to light the small signs of withdrawal, something they were looking out for but not expecting.<br/>
But he also notices something else, something he thought left them both a while ago, that want, the need to forget. He can see it in the dark circles below his eyes, in the lack of response and in the almost isolation from his peers. Jay is heading towards a downward spiral and Mouse can only hope that he reaches out for help.<br/>
Deciding it was time to let his presence known, still leaning against the doorframe, he calls out softly to Jay “Hey, whatcha doing?”<br/>
Jay doesn’t react, he didn’t even hear him. Stepping forward Mouse tries again and again until he is standing beside him, resting back against the counter and calling out another soft “Jay? Buddy? You ok?”<br/>
That made Jay jump, his head flicking to face Mouse, breath hitching. “Hey.”<br/>
Mouse raised a brow, “What's going on Jay?” he asked in a tone which left no room for avoidance. They haven't really spoken since Jay sort of blew up on Mouse, yeah they hugged it out but he hadn't really spoken about it at all. He knew they needed to, knew that if Jay kept holding things in he would eventually explode and break in a catastrophic way.<br/>
“Jay. Come on man. Please talk to me.”<br/>
“I’m fine, it’s ok. I was just thinking, it’s nothing.”<br/>
“Don’t do that. Stop downplaying this. If you won’t talk to me will you talk to Dr Charles? He’s coming over in an hour.”<br/>
Jay whipped his head over to Mouse, “What?”<br/>
“Yeah it's Tuesday, remember you have sessions booked in. Me and Will are gonna be in a different room so you’re free to talk.”<br/>
Jay tried to step around Mouse, trying to escape.<br/>
“Hey, woah. Where are you going?”<br/>
“I can’t do this. I’m ok, he doesn’t have to come over. It’s ok.”<br/>
“No Jay, it’s not. Part of the conditions of you getting out early was that Charles would come here. I know you don’t want to but you have to talk about what happened and I think Charles is the best person for that because he can help, he can talk from a different perspective where he won't be clouded by anger or protectiveness. You got to open up to someone Jay, don’t let this consume you.” Mouse almost begged, stepping closer to Jay, who just flinched back out of his way. Shaking his head and trying to pass to get to his room Jay tries to relax and pat Mouse on the shoulder, clearing his throat saying “Mouse. I’m good.”<br/>
Mouse just nods his head, remembering back to when Jay last said this to him. It was just after Terry had died and he refused to admit something was wrong and that he needed Mouse’s help, until he found him sobbing on the floor in the bathroom in the district.</p><p>About an hour later, Jay is sitting in the living room with Dr Charles; both with a glass of water in front of them, Will and Mouse playing on the PlayStation in Will’s room.<br/>
So far it’s been 15 minutes of silence. Jay counted. Counted the seconds and minutes, trying to keep his breathing steady, eyes flickering over to the clock at the side.<br/>
“Jay. Time would move a lot faster if you said something.” Charles tried.<br/>
Jay just blew out a breath and ran a hand through his hair.<br/>
“How are you sleeping? Are you eating well? Taking care of yourself?”<br/>
A short “yeah” was all he got in response. Though Charles couldn’t quite believe him.<br/>
“Why don’t you want to talk to me? Mouse told me you had been getting better at that. What’s wrong?”<br/>
“Nothing” he mumbled his reply, crossing his arms over his chest.<br/>
Protective, Charles notices.<br/>
He decided to take a different approach.<br/>
“Jay. What happened to you? Talk me through it.” Charles suggested.<br/>
“you know, you’ve seen my file.” Jay replies.<br/>
“I want you to tell me.”<br/>
Jay just threw him a look, raising one brow, causing the doctor to sigh.<br/>
“Yes, I’ve seen the reports but that only tells me the injuries, not what happened to you. So, Jay, what happened to you.”<br/>
Biting the bullet Jay flickers back to this morning and how he wanted to forget, yet here he was deciding to remember.<br/>
“I can’t re-remember. I-I don’t know, I was drinking, then it was blank and just pain and nothing made sense and then Sir took me upstairs and I wasn’t good, or I did something wrong and I kept forgetting things and there’s more pain. But it’s like I was floating, you know? Everything felt all tingly, but the pain was just constant. And I had to be good for Sir, it’s my fault because I was bad.” Jay rushed out, digging his nails into his arms, trying to stay present.<br/>
Charles wrote down everything Jay had said, underlining key words that stuck out to him, reminding him to come back to them at a later date. He noted Jay's posture and body language, the way his arms seemed to be hugging himself, nails digging into his arm, the closed eyes and small shaking of the head. But what struck him the most was the determined yet detached look on his face, almost as if he was fighting with himself about how to react.<br/>
“Why do you think it was your fault?”<br/>
“Because I didn’t listen, because I spoke, because I got things wrong and said the wrong thing.”<br/>
“How do you know you did something wrong? What did you do?”<br/>
Jay just shook his head, sighing “because Sir said.”<br/>
Charles leant back in the seat, trying to show a relaxed posture to keep Jay calm, jotting things down on his notepad “Sir? Who’s Sir, Jay?”<br/>
“I don’t know, what do you mean? Sir, he was with me - I?” Jay stumbled out, not quite understanding what Dr Charles meant.</p><p>Sir was Sir.<br/>
He helped me but he hurt me.<br/>
He was teaching you.<br/>
Shut up.</p><p>Charles could see Jay was getting more frustrated as time went on, could see he was losing his grip on reality and needed to stop soon.<br/>
“Ok. Ok, so this Sir? What else did he do to you?” Charles asked realising they were coming to the end of the session.<br/>
“He said he wanted to help me, there were lessons and punishments and then he wanted to see how good I was.” He whispered in response.<br/>
“What do you mean by that?” Charles pushed, knowing what happened but needing Jay to recognise what had happened to him.<br/>
“He would, um, he – I – uhm – there was a bottle of water and then it was fuzzy and then – he – there was a mattress – and um –“ Jay tried to push out, arms hugging his chest tighter, eyes clenching closed, breaths coming out in uneven pants.<br/>
“Jay. I need you to stay with me here. Come back, you’re safe, Mouse and Will are in the other room.” Jay calmed a little, hearing that they were close helped ground him a touch.<br/>
Noticing this Charles offers to bring them in the room to be with him, after a short while Jay agrees, knowing they would need to hear this too but also knowing he wouldn’t be able to talk about it any time soon.<br/>
Once Will and Mouse had sat either side of Jay, giving him enough space to not feel crowded but to also know they were close, Charles tried to get him to continue.<br/>
“What did he do Jay?”<br/>
“There was a mattress – um- and he made me – no it was cold and I knew he had took my shirt, it was ripped to shreds anyways but he took off my – and then the mattress and he – um – I can’t!” he punctuated with a sob.<br/>
“Can’t what Jay? It’s just us here, you’re safe. You got this.” Will retook his space on the cheer team, placing a hand next to Jays, letting him decide what to do. Jay just looked at the offered hand, and to Mouse, seeing he had done the same thing and suddenly feeling trapped, he stood up and started backing away from the trio. His eyes landed on his glass of water and his panic spread. Jay's hands started to shake, and his breathing was picking up again, the three other men noticed.<br/>
Charles just pushed on, knowing it was necessary, “Jay. Stay with us, come on. You have to say it.”<br/>
“I – I – um – I didn’t want to – but I couldn’t stop it and – I’m sorry!” he continued, crying and backing away a little bit again, he let out a soft and heartbroken “Sir – um – he – we – um – had sex. More than once.” and sobbing once more, taking another step back he felt his back hit the wall and flinching away, he rushed to the bathroom slamming the door behind him.</p><p>Mouse and Will look to each other, then to Dr Charles. All three letting out a breath, Charles writing more things down.<br/>
“shit” Mouse breathed out, his head dropping and shaking, Will agreeing by nodding his head and raking his hands through his hair.<br/>
They all knew what had happened but hearing Jay say it out loud and watching him process it hurt more than they thought, it made it real.<br/>
Jay was raped and assaulted, repeatedly.<br/>
His little brother was raped multiple times.<br/>
His little brother…</p><p>Charles lent forwards, taking a breath and looking from his notes to the two left in the room, he offered his support.<br/>
“Look guys, I know this is a pretty big blow but it’s also a really big step for Jay. He is talking more, feels safer and has spoken about one of the toughest things that he possibly could right now. We still have things to talk about, to work though including the guilt he feels following his childhood, Afghanistan and everything that has happened since. But I think I can leave him in your capable hands for the night. I’ll be back over next Tuesday, same time, but if you need me beforehand, for any reason, please call me. I mean it, all three of you.”<br/>
Mouse and Will could only nod, wondering how they were going to handle all of what just happened and how they were going to help Jay through this.<br/>
After Charles left, with a final warning to take care of themselves, they cleared the glasses away and decided to try to check on Jay.<br/>
Knocking on the bathroom door, they strain to hear any sound coming from Jay.<br/>
“We’re right here Jay. Right outside. Whenever you are ready.” Mouse said through the door as both the men slid down either side of the doorway, waiting, and just being there for Jay.</p><p>On the other side of the door Jay was sitting in the shower, curled up in the corner against the tiles under the spray of boiling water. He had managed to scrub his arms and torso to the point where there were actual marks and small amounts of blood pushing to the surface.<br/>
He couldn’t get clean. That’s all he could think about. How dirty and wrong he felt.</p><p>After running out of the living room and away from the three sets of eyes staring at him with a look, he never thought would be directed toward him he slammed the door to the bathroom closed and turned to face the mirror. The face that stared back at him didn’t look like him. The reflection looked tired, young and scared. Pale with dark circles under the eyes made the weight loss more obvious. What stood out though was the eyes, the dull blue eyes reflecting back a small scared child waiting for a beating from his dad for doing something wrong. An adult waiting for a beating for talking or reacting wrong. If he looked long enough, he could almost see a reflection or a glimmer of what got him here, hiding out in the bathroom. A glimmer of him being pushed back onto a bed, his hands tied down or being too drugged to move. A memory of being pushed to laying, hands already tied but still too drugged, feeling a cool breeze before the warmth of a hand, fear making him buck up and being caught and flipped around before a tight pain and then blinding pain, then darkness.</p><p>That wasn’t sex.<br/>
He didn’t want it.<br/>
He wasn’t being ‘good’.<br/>
Oh my god...</p><p>He could feel his breathing picking up, knowing that Charles would be talking to Will and Mouse about him. And in a burst of rage, his fist flew out to the mirror above the sink and shattered it into pieces. Shaking his hand out and removing the glass he quickly turned toward the shower switching it on, temperature high.<br/>
And that’s how he came to be curled up in the corner of his shower, breathing calming but the feelings remained. He thought he was all cried out but surprised himself as another sob crawled up his throat.</p><p>Will and Mouse heard the smashing of the mirror, heard the shower turn on and heard the sobs coming through the crack under the door.<br/>
Looking at each other, broken expressions on their faces they sat for 10 minutes longer, letting Jay process as he was but knew they needed to get him out, see if he was alright.<br/>
“Hey Jay? We’re coming in, alright? We just gotta make sure you’re ok.” Will called out loud but gentle. Following a nod from Mouse, he calmly turned the handle and took a step into the room, the steam rolling out, heat hitting them in the face.<br/>
“Jesus Jay!” Mouse exclaimed “You’re gonna hurt yourself.”<br/>
Stopping at the shower they could see the state he was in. Curled up, angry red lines covering his torso, arms and neck, different from the previous wounds, these were new, made in a frenzy to try and scrub himself clean.<br/>
“Jay? I’m just going to turn the water off ok? It’s time to get out.” Will narrated, stepping closer to Jay. He noticed two things. One; Jay still had his boxers on and two; he was staring out at nothing; he was barely in the room.<br/>
Gently grabbing the towel off of Mouse Will leant over Jay, wrapped him up and helped him to stand, leading him back out to his bedroom.<br/>
“Jay?” Mouse tried, after they had him seated on the side of his bed.<br/>
He didn’t reply, just kept staring at the wall, face set in distress.<br/>
They both looked between the other and Jay, wondering what to do to snap him out of his dissociative state when they noticed Jay’s lips moving.<br/>
“What’s that bud?”<br/>
Jay let out a soft whisper, the others still not understanding, however.<br/>
“I’m sorry, we can’t hear you. What was that?” Mouse tried again, leaning a supportive hand on his back.</p><p>“He raped me.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. His Plan Was Coming Together Nicely</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey.</p><p>Hope everyones doing ok. I'm feeling a bit better covid wise but me and my house mates decided to get DRUNK on Friday night so Saturday was a rough one for all involved. we spent the day all smushed into one bed just holding each other aha XD<br/>I once again don't know what this chapter is - its kinda messy and possibly rushed.<br/>As always any and all mistakes are mine.<br/>lemme know what you think.<br/>Enjoy,<br/>Vx</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Back at the district, the team had been working tirelessly on getting information out of Taylor. They had been working on other cases while keeping Jay's case open in case any new information or leads pop up at the request of the brass.<br/>Callum Taylor was sitting comfortably in a holding cell downstairs, wanting to keep him close to keep an eye on him.           </p><p>They had just closed up their latest case, but instead of rushing out to Mollys, everyone hung back in the bullpen for a bit waiting for an update on Jay knowing that Voight and Hailey had been to visit him yesterday. They looked between each other, waiting for someone to step forward and ask. Adam bit the bullet, looking up from his desk and looking to Voights retreating form, “So um Sarge. How is Jay doing?” <br/>Voight stopped in his path, taking a deep breath and turned to face his team.<br/>“Jay is Jay. He is clearly hurting but as always is putting up a mask and pretending he is ok. But he knows he has us and he has Will and Mouse backing him and pushing him so that he can actually process what happened to him. It’s going to be a long road but he can do it.” he said, a lightness to his gruff voice.<br/>Everyone seemed to accept that response, they knew that Jay would see them or want to see them whenever he was ready. <br/>They didn’t realise however, just how long that would be. </p><p>Downstairs in the holding cells Taylor had had plenty of time to stew, and make friends.<br/>The officers on guard hadn’t been given any detail about how or why this man was in there, only that he shouldn’t be left alone. But being the manipulative man he was, Taylor had managed to make one of the rookies his friend. Playing the veteran card and pretending to not know why he was in holding either, Taylor had made the young officer feel bad for him, sneaking him snacks or a drink from time to time. <br/>Until he found a way. He found an opening to get just what he wanted. <br/>“Officer Jones. Would you be so kind as to tell me if the Intelligence unit works out of here?”<br/>“Yeah, upstairs. Why?”<br/>Smirking he replies “I used to know one of the detectives, I think he works here.”<br/>Jones took a pause, “Oh yeah? Which one? Maybe I can get them down here?”<br/>Taylors smirk grew “Yeah. I think he’s got some time off right now, family issues or whatever”<br/>“Halstead? Yeah no one knows whats going on there, the guy went missing for two months and then he’s back but not back upstairs. Everyones talking and the theories are a strange mix.”<br/>That made Taylor stumble a little, not knowing what sort of theories were being spread but knowing that some would be telling of the way he holds himself at work. He pushes his luck and asks to see what’s being spread and what the young officer knows.<br/>“So, what are some of these theories? Come on, keep a man entertained.”<br/>Chuckling a little, Jones pulls up a chair, leaning back, almost settling in for a story.<br/>“Well, some were saying he got pulled back into the army, but most didn’t realise he was ex military so ignored that one, especially since Mouse, their old tech guy, came back from there. There’s this one saying that he had some family problems so had to leave to sort that out and is back now but still has things to sort.” Taylor just nods in response, thankful that the officer hasn't clicked onto why he is asking more questions.<br/>“But what do you think? Go on, you have to have a theory?”<br/>The young officer looked startled and almost uncomfortable at that question, but answered after a breath nevertheless.<br/>“Um - see Halstead had been acting strange for a while. I mean Intelligence always keeps everything in house and upstairs so it’s just a guessing game for us when somethings going on. But I mean his partner left and there was this shooting involving a kid and then this kidnapping case and I saw Halstead here more often than not and he just kept looking worse each time he came in. People were talking about an old drinking problem resurfacing and I was inclined to agree but Halstead is as by the book as they come so he wouldn't come in drunk.”<br/>Taylor tried to hold in a laugh, keeping his face straight, because oh how wrong he was, Jay could and does slip and can ignore the ‘book’.<br/>Wanting to delve deeper he pushed on “Yeah but what do you think then?”<br/>Clearing his throat Jones continued “Well I mean I didn't believe it at first but then I actually thought about it and yeah the drinking seems likely and him missing for two months is either down to a case gone wrong and he gets taken - again - or Voight found out and sent his ass to rehab hence why he's back home but not back at work.”<br/>Taylor stiffened, he didn’t know how to play it. He tries to stay calm, knowing that if he got antsy then something would look wrong. <br/>“Oh, yeah Voight sounds like the type of guy to hold a grudge even if he’s trying to help. Maybe it was the drinking issue, that’s why nothing is being said about it.” <br/>“Yeah could be.” Jones replied.</p><p>The next day, Jones got called up for patrol and a new officer came through to take him up to the interrogation room.<br/>Entering the room, Taylor is faced with Voight and Alvin.<br/>“What’s this then?” he starts, a smug look on his face.<br/>“Just sit down.” Al says.<br/>“So, Callum Taylor. I’m assuming you’re wondering why you haven't been booked for anything? We’re just waiting for Halstead’s approval, but we have enough here to arrest you without needing to include Jay.”<br/>“On what charges, Sergeant? If I go down, I’m bringing my little soldier with me. I know enough for him to be stripped and sent down alongside me.” Taylor confidently states, and sees how the other men in the room shift, showing their annoyance.<br/>“Possession, resisting arrest, unlawful possession of a firearm and assaulting an officer.” Voight throws back at Taylor, a controlled stare taking over his expression.<br/>Taylor just leans forward onto the table, not saying anything.<br/>“What’s wrong Taylor? Come on you know you want to tell us more about what happened.” Voight pushed receiving a warning look from Alvin.</p><p>Voight was right, Taylor did want to tell him about what he and Jay did. He wanted to brag about how he had their strong detective begging for him, for release. To tell them how far he could fall without them knowing, he had been watching Jay for some time before he took him so he saw everything.<br/>“You would like that wouldn’t you? To hear about how you failed to protect him, failed to keep him up when he looked like he was drowning. No, you just pushed him away, pushed him further down. He needed you, he needed someone to help him, to take care of him and you did the opposite didn’t you, Hank Voight. You made him feel worse, he knew he messed up but did you offer support? No. You just yelled at him, pushed him away.” he chuckles, looking at the mirror, knowing the rest of the team was behind the glass, he continued “This is on you, on all of you. Some family you got here.”<br/>Once he was finished he leant back, spitting out that last statement while crossing his arms. Voight looked like he wanted to jump over the table and wring Taylor’s neck, but remembering where they were he held back, slamming his fist on the table he leant into Taylors space letting out a low “you took the wrong person. You are going to regret ever coming after one of my guys. You will feel the pain of everything you did to Halstead for the rest of your miserable life, I will personally see to that.” <br/>“He won't let you hurt me. He is loyal to a fault.”<br/>“Get him out of my sight” Voight seethed, slamming the door behind him.</p><p>Taylor smirked in victory, he was getting a kick out of hurting those close to Jay, he knew he didn’t have long before he would see his little man again and he couldn't quell the slight excitement.<br/>Sitting back down in his cell, he started plotting a way out and back to Jay.</p><p>Taylor ran through the logistics, he knew they would have taken Jay back to his apartment ‘not wanting him to be afraid of it or associate it with danger’ they would obviously want him to recover in his own space. Will and Mouse would not be leaving his side for long, perfect little guard dogs so he would have to make a distraction of some sort. He tries to think of when he would be most vulnerable and from his time watching him he remembered that Jay didn’t sleep much, and especially wont now, knowing he would be having new dreams surrounding their time together during the war and now. So he decides on a night time visit as the guard dogs would be asleep and Jay would be laid awake, thinking.<br/>Taylor smirks to himself, his plan was coming together nicely.<br/>At that thought Jones walked back into the room with a drink for him. He stands and heads over to the door, and pushes his luck by asking if he can use a private bathroom, needing to go but not wanting someone watching this time around. Jones in his naivety allows it, stating that he needs to be cuffed and escorted, Taylor obliges.<br/>Once the cell door is unlocked, he places his hands out to be cuffed and in Jones’ moment of distraction Taylor swiftly and skillfully knocks him out with a few hits to the head. Remembering he is still in his daily clothing, and that no one really knew he was there he finds it hard to slip out of the doors to the district.</p><p>After getting a change of clothes and making sure to hide away until it was late enough, he grabs what he needs from his third location, knowing the first two were compromised.<br/>He sets off and sits on the curb opposite Jay’s apartment, looking up at his living room window to catch a glimpse of his man before anything happens.</p><p>Jay and Mouse were sitting in the living room in silence, a film playing to fill the silence, but if asked neither could tell you what it was about. Will was in his room having been called by work to consult on something but not wanting to leave he did it over the phone.<br/>They decided to call it a night when Will was done, Mouse happily obliging wanting to escape the uncomfortable feeling growing in his stomach. He could tell that Jay could feel it also, the feeling of impending danger. But they both didn’t voice it, not wanting to worry the other and Will.<br/>Heading to bed in silence, Will goes to his room, Mouse to a blow up mattress in Jay’s room and Jay lay staring at the ceiling. Being able to tell when Mouse dozed off, Jay creeped out of his room and sat on the window chair, staring out into the night, wishing he knew what the feeling growing in his chest meant. <br/>Turns out he didn’t have to wait long as he felt the sudden urge to run, grabbing his shoes and heading to the door he takes one final breath and looks around the room. Grabbing the handle and flinging open the door his breath caught in his throat. </p><p>“Hello, Little Soldier. Where do you think you’re going?” that damned smirk.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. You Look Thirsty</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Well hello there.</p><p>I'm back :) with whatever this is!<br/>Uni work got horrendous and I have no idea what one of these modules is so I'm struggling a little but writing this has been a welcome reprieve.</p><p>Hope you enjoy, please let me know what you think, if you have any suggestions throw them my way and I'll see if and how they fit. <br/>any and all mistakes are mine,<br/>enjoy,<br/>Vx</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Hello, Little Soldier. Where do you think you’re going?”</p><p>Jay stood in shock.<br/>This isn’t happening. <br/>It’s just a nightmare.<br/>Looking at the man standing in the doorway, Jay could feel himself starting to shake. Memories started flooding in and he couldn’t tell if he was scared or not.<br/>“Oh little one, what’s wrong? Not happy to see me?” Taylor said, wondering how Jay would react.<br/>“This isn’t real” Jay whispers, trying to back away. Taylor’s hand reaches out to grab his wrist, tugging him back towards him,<br/>“Oh but it is. And you’re coming with me.”<br/>Jay started to panic, shaking his head he tried to back up into the apartment again but the grip on his wrist was relentless. He found himself too scared to make a noise which is ironic as anyone in their right mind would be screaming for help. <br/>“Hey now. Where are those manners I taught you? Do we have to relearn them?” he said in a low growl, a smirk growing on his face.<br/>“N-no.” Jay stutters out, fear gripping his chest.<br/>“No what?”<br/>“S-sir” he cleared his throat “Sir.”<br/>“Good boy. Come on, times up, we’ve got to go.” Taylor said, tugging Jay out the door again.<br/>“Go where? This isn't - you can’t - I -”<br/>Taylor just raised his free hand, ready to strike, and Jay flinched, breath hitching. A smile came back to his face, ah he remembers he thought.<br/>He pulled a needle from his pocket and as Jay turned to run he jammed it into his neck, watching the drug take effect almost immediately. His legs shook and his eyes went glassy, his body reacting from memory, leaning into Taylor, Jay felt his head go heavy as his eyes went wide in panic.<br/>No.<br/>This wasn’t happening again.<br/>Mouse!<br/>Please no.<br/>“Don’t shout or I’ll go in there and get your precious Will and Mouse and you’ll regret it.”<br/>Jay stilled, knowing it would just be best if he left with him.<br/>He could feel himself being dragged out of the apartment and to the elevator, head hanging low as to not be seen.</p><p>Mouse startled on the mattress, he thought he had heard voices, but passing it off to remnants of a dream, he rolled over to look at jay.<br/>Jay!<br/>The bed was empty and Mouse’s heart spiked in panic. He jumped out of bed and ran out to search the house, starting at the bathroom as that seemed most likely.<br/>Empty.<br/>He ran out to the living room and looked to the seat where he knows Jay likes to sit to watch the stars and the moon after a rough day.<br/>Empty.<br/>He tried to calm his heart, he couldn’t have gotten far, surely he wouldn’t just leave.<br/>He looks towards the door as he hears the distinct click in the silent room, shit.<br/>Rushing to grab some shoes and his phone, he rushes off a text to Will letting him know where he was going, he didn’t have the time to go back and wake him. Running out the door and down the stairs he stops when he reaches the lobby, trying for calm. Stepping into the street he flicks his head around, up and down the street, both ways, looking for any sign of Jay.<br/>Looking across the road however he notices a small pick up with a man seemingly helping another into the car, is that? No surely not. Wait no yes it is!<br/>Recognising both the men at the car, Mouse sprints over shouting out, all ideas of stealth leaving his head as soon as he realises what was happening. Arriving at the side of the truck, he sees Jay unconscious lying in the back seat and Taylor turning to face him.<br/>“Mouse. What a lovely surprise.”<br/>“Cut the crap Taylor. Give Jay back.”<br/>“Can’t do that, sorry Greg. He wanted to come with me.”<br/>Mouse shook his head, scoffing “no see I know that’s not true. Just give him back, leave him alone.”<br/>Taylor turns back to look at Jay’s unconscious form in the car, and Mouse uses this moment of distraction to send off a quick text to Will and Voight detailing the car and number plate ending it with a ‘Track us, he’s got Jay’.<br/>“Hey Taylor. Callum, come on man. You don’t gotta do this. If you leave now, if you cooperate then we can work something out.” Mouse tried to barter with him, give him a way out.<br/>Taylor decided not to take the offer and swing back around, the butt of a gun meeting his temple and Mouse found himself crumbling to the ground. <br/>Oh thank god he thought, strange I know, but he could feel himself being lifted and thrown into the car alongside Jay, thankful he would be there and Jay wouldn’t be alone.</p><p>Waking up, Jay could feel the cold. His confusion from the drug not seeming to last long once he looked around the dark room he was in. He was lying on a bed, the curtains drawn hiding the moon’s glow from the room, the room wasn’t decorated beside a mirror and the bed alongside a chest of drawers, he dreaded to think what was in them.<br/>He saw a door to the right of him and decided that consequences be damned he needed to get out. He passed the mirror on his way out and decided to do a quick once over of himself, see what damage had already been made. No fresh cuts, a couple more bruises, dull and purple rimmed eyes and the chain around his neck had made a reappearance. Oh, and he was just in a new pair of boxer shorts.<br/>“No. no, no, no.” he started to mumble to himself, panic building. He needed to get out. He needed to get home. Home. <br/>Mouse!<br/>He remembered hearing him when he was in the car but thought it was just the drugs playing tricks on him again.<br/>Rushing out the door and down the corridor he realised it was a one bed house, secluded enough that people wouldn’t hear his cries, and he spotted a set of stairs heading downwards and pushing past his own new fear of basements followed them downward.<br/>He stopped in his tracks at the bottom of the stairs, careful not to make any noise. What stopped him was the distinct sound of flesh hitting flesh, a slap. He looked round the corner and saw Mouse tied to a chair, Sir standing above him with a furious glint in his eyes. Jay tried to back away from that look but wasn't quick enough to not let out a gasp.<br/>Sir’s head flicked round quickly, a grin forming seeing Jay standing, cowering at the bottom of the staircase. <br/>“Ah Little One, so glad you could join us. Why don’t you come closer, I bet you want to see your friend.”<br/>Jay took a few cautious steps toward the two others. His hand gripped the opposite wrist, rubbing to calm himself, shoulders had come up protectively.<br/>“Jay stop.” Mouse tried, shaking his head.<br/>“I don’t - What happened?”<br/>“Oh Little One. Always the detective, always looking for answers. You messed up again.” Sir tutted, reaching a hand out to grab Jay’s arm.<br/>“What? No - I -” Jay shook his head, taking a step away from him.<br/>“Here, you look thirsty.” he interrupted, producing a glass of water, watching Jay’s eyebrows raise in panic. <br/>Mouse just looked on in confusion. He tried not to struggle too much as to not freak Jay out but that seemed to be a bit pointless at this moment.<br/>“Seriously, you look like you haven’t had a drink in ages. You’ll feel better.” Sir pushed.<br/>“Jay.” Mouse coughed out, bringing him back to the present.<br/>“Little One. Take the water.” Sir looked back over to Mouse. “Or your friend can have a lesson in manners.”<br/>Jay paled at that. <br/>No. Mouse didn’t deserve that.<br/>Mouse was good.<br/>He took a few hesitant steps back toward Sir, his hands letting go of the other.<br/>“Jay stop! I can take it, it’s ok.” Mouse pleaded.<br/>Jay stood, shaking his head, not knowing what to do, when Sir’s arm moved out of nowhere and Mouse was doubling over in pain, coughing out a quiet “fuck you”.<br/>Sir’s hand raised again and Jay launched forward, hands raised.<br/>“Wait! Stop! I’ll do it, just stop hurting him.” he cried.<br/>A smirk came across Sir’s face as he handed over the cup to Jay’s shaking hands. Jay took a deep breath, refusing to look at Mouse or Sir, staring the drink down. A sharp tug on his wrist brought him back and reminded him of what he was meant to be doing and after another breath, Jay brought the glass up to his lips, tilted his head back and downed the contents.<br/>Jay closed his eyes as he swallowed the contents of the cup, hearing a soft whisper of his name come from Mouse.<br/>You let him down.<br/>Again.<br/>Jay shook his head, gaining the strength to look over at Sir, glaring as he looked between him and Mouse.<br/>“Let him go. You have me. Just, please let him go” he said, feeling brave before the drug takes effect.<br/>Sir takes a step toward him, grabbing the chain around his neck to pull him closer, and growling in a low voice “now why would I do that?” Smirking, he pulls a needle out from his pocket and before Jay has time to react, he plunges it into his neck, releasing more of the drug into his system.<br/>“JAY!” Mouse cried out, tugging at his restraints.<br/>Sir rubbed his thumb over the sensitive spot on Jay’s neck, to calm him and pull him back to him. He whispered in his ear as he kept a grip on the chain around his throat, telling his sweet nothings alongside “I’m the only one you can trust. You came back to me, my Little One.”<br/>Jay just sagged in his hold, eyes fluttering open and closed “I - um I…” he tried to say.<br/>“That’s ok my Little One. We’re going to get you to bed now, time to see if you remember those lessons. If you’re still good.”<br/>Jay blanched but followed the firm grip on his arm out of the room, ignoring the cries coming from Mouse.</p><p>About four hours and three more bottles of water later, Jay felt fuzzy and confused. He was trying to remember where he was, remember who he was and how he got wherever he was. Again he let his hands trail around his body, trying to work out what was different and landed on the chain at his neck and the soreness of his back and ribs, including the soft fabric of new boxers beside him.<br/>Quickly slipping them on he sees he is again on the mattress with the door shut. <br/>Not knowing what to do but remembering the consequences, Jay gets off the bed and decides to sit with his back against the wall facing the door, waiting.<br/>He doesn’t know how long he sat waiting before Sir came into the room with an angry look on his face before his eyes settled on Jay curled up against the wall staring, lost in his head.<br/>“Hello my Little One. How are you feeling? Ready for another drink?”<br/>Jay’s eyes slowly focused on the man in the doorway. Shrugging his shoulders he manages to mumble out “Mouse? Who? I?” before shaking his head.<br/>“Oh Little One. Mouse left you here. He saw you were safe with me and left you.” he said stepping closer to him. Crouching down to his level, Sir gently grabbed his cheek, “don’t be sad. He told me to give you a message - he never wants to see you again. You let him down and everyone would be better off without you - but you already knew that right?” he finished.<br/>Jay could feel his eyes fill with tears, the fuzzy feeling adding to the confusion he felt. <br/>‘So everything was a lie?’ he thought to himself ‘everything Mouse said to me was a lie? He didn’t want me, he didn’t have my back?’<br/>Sir could see Jay was starting to spiral, smirking to himself he handed over another bottle of special water, watching him drink it, tears still in his eyes. </p><p>Jay felt everything go fuzzy, which he wasn’t really fighting against, and the last thing he thought before it all went dark was <br/>‘no one will be looking for me.’</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Why?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Heyyyyy...</p><p>Hope you all had a safe but fun Halloween. It was my housemates 21st so we decorated the house, made her a cake and went out for a fancy brunch... we were sobered up and in bed before midnight - was VERY bizarre.<br/>The UK is going back into a national lockdown on Thursday for a month (subject to change :|) <br/>I hate dissertations and have done everything imaginable to avoid and procrastinate... my therapist (housemate) calls it fight or flight - I don't like it and it confuses me which makes me anxious and angry so I just avoid It all together... I literally stared at a blank wall for 30 mins the other day and just zone out and stare instead of actually doing work so if anyone actually reads this notes and has any tips that would be GREAT!</p><p>anyways...<br/>I hope you enjoy this chapter, lemme know what you think. as always any and all mistakes are mine - if something doesn't make sense lemme know.<br/>Enjoy,<br/>Vx :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jay awoke, head pounding. He had a moment of confusion before memories flew back to him. Mouse had left him, again. Had left him alone. Why? <br/>Was it because he wasn't good enough?<br/>Because he wasn't quick enough?<br/>Wasn’t smart enough?<br/>Not worth it?<br/>Didn’t deserve him?<br/>Angry words and memories came to mind, making him spiral further down. Images of Mouse walking away from him, or turning his back in the streets, pretending he didn’t know him. Of hateful drug fueled words spat at him mid argument at odd hours of the night.<br/>And at just the right moment, the door opened and Sir walked in, bottle in hand.<br/>“Oh Little One. What’s the matter?”<br/>Jay shook his head, not knowing if he wanted a response or not.<br/>The hand quickly gripping his shoulder told him he wanted an answer, so Jay quickly shoved out a “nothing”  which did not seem to satisfy the man above him.<br/>A swift smack across his cheek and a huff from Sir told Jay the way today was going to go.<br/>“I - I’m sorry”<br/>The grip on his shoulder tightened.<br/>“I’m sorry Sir”<br/>“That's better, good job. Here’s your water” he said as he passed the open bottle toward him. “You can have another soon so drink up, you have another test soon my Little Soldier. Time to remember what I taught you.” he finished with a smirk.<br/>Jay didn’t know what he was on about so pulled a face as he drank from the bottle, mind going hazy but not as quickly as previously.<br/>“I do have a question for you though. And you have to answer truthfully. Do you understand?” Sir asked, voice firm, authoritative.<br/>When Jay didn’t respond he tugged on the chain around his neck, pulling him closer to Sir, “I asked you a question. Do. You. Understand?” he growled out.<br/>“Y-ye-yeah, yes. Sorry Sir. I understand” Jay stuttered.<br/>“Where have you been? You went missing for a while, where were you?”<br/>Jay didn’t quite understand, surely he knew what had happened? <br/>“Um I - I was home. With M-Mouse and Wi-Will. I was home and I was safe” confusion, sadness and almost anger washed over him. <br/>“They got me out, they got me home. Where’s Will? Where’s Mouse? What did you do to them? I want to go home!” he yelled out, confidence and defiance rising.<br/>The tension and heat in the room rose exponentially. Sir yelled out at Jay and threw him to the ground, kicking him on his way down. Jay landed on his side, hands luckily took the brunt of the fall. Sir kicked his arms out from under him, then kicked him again in the side, forcing Jay to be laying on his back. Pouncing on top of him, Sir wrapped both his hands around Jay’s neck, pressing down, cutting off his air supply.<br/>Jay coughed, trying to breathe, not having managed to catch his breath from the kicks before his throat was encased by hands.<br/>“You what? They gave you to me, you're mine. They didn't want you anymore once they saw how broken and weak you are. They gave you back once I offered to take you off their hands, build you back into that perfect soldier. You are useless to them. You think they cared about you? No, they were a test. They were a test to see how you responded to different stimuli. And you failed. You were weak. Pathetic. That’s why you need me.” he released one of his hands, still gripping tight with one, the other now stroking his cheek “I can stop the pain, you need me to help you make it all stop.”<br/>Jay’s face fell, tears welled up in his eyes throughout Sir’s speech, still trying to gasp for air, he shook his head. ‘That’s not right’ he thought ‘they were helping him, they were saving him, not this, not here’. His brows creased together, he was fighting against himself at this point as his neck had been released but whether he agreed with Sir or not was his current battle. <br/>“But, I don’t -”<br/>“Shh, don’t think. Remember, that’s not good for you. Let me do that for you, thinking only brings up pain.”<br/>Jay shook his head slightly.<br/>“I think it's time you got onto the bed for your next drink. We have another lesson to remind you of it would seem.”<br/>Jay wanted to fight, but was feeling drained from the choking and whatever was in the water was slowing him down. <br/>Holding the next bottle in his hands, a soft mattress underneath him, he remembered what came next and tried to force himself into that section of his mind he had created for moments like this. Draining the bottle, he could feel his mind get fuzzier, Sir whispering words of conditioning into his ears as he felt his only protection of modesty be ripped away. And he let himself freefall into that tiny distant part of his mind.</p><p> </p><p>He came to again an hour later, a new pain reminding him what he let happen. How he didn’t stop it. Again. <br/>He knew he had to get out, he couldn't let him win. Again.<br/>He couldn’t slip or be weak. Again.<br/>The thing is he had, and that word ‘again’ keeps swimming around his head. <br/>He was here again. He was without his brother and Mouse. Again. He couldn't seem to stop it, again.<br/>Everything seems to be happening the same all over again and he didn’t know if it was quicker this time round or if Sir was just more angry so was rushing things. </p><p>Before he could really start to think however, the door opened once again, this time Sir walked in with a needle and a grim look on his face.<br/>“Oh my Little One. They really haven’t known how to treat you right have they? What is all of this?” he said pointing toward the myriad of scars on Jay’s thigh and lower torso.<br/>“Um I-I don’t-”<br/>“Shh. You just couldn’t help it, I know.” Sir rubs his hand over his cheek, one hand running down his neck, till he feels a sharp sting. Sir’s hands continued roaming his body till he sat back, subtly discarding the now empty syringe. “Needed somewhere to put the pain? Why did you do it? You always have been a mystery to me.” he looked Jay up and down again “I saw some of these scars when we first met, I know this has been going on a while. Why do you do it? Why cut yourself? Do enlighten me”</p><p>Jay tried to cover himself with the sheet on the bed, with his hands, by curling in on himself; anything to stop the looks he was receiving. <br/>“I just - I don’t know. I just needed the pain to stop” he shrugged and scoffed “it started as a way to have control, then it was for every failure, for every life I couldn't save, and just stemmed from there.” Jay didn’t realise just how fuzzy his head was, or how much he was letting out. He didn’t know that the needle was now empty, the dose running through his veins. <br/>“I deserve it. I mess up and I deserve it.” he says, voice strong.<br/>“Yes, when you mess up and are bad, you deserve to be punished. To be taught, lessons and tests till you get things right, don’t you agree?” Sir said, Jay nodding along.<br/>“You're nearly ready for your next test Little Soldier. Just a few more questions.”<br/>Jay looked over at Sir, head tilting, not knowing what to expect.<br/>“Who am I?”<br/>Jays brows furrowed, “Sir. You’re Sir”<br/>“Good boy. Now, what do you do, where were you before I saved you?”<br/>“I don’t know. I messed up and was lost, you saved me. You’re teaching me to be better.” He recited, unbeknownst to him, he had been taught this phrase the last time he was with Sir. <br/>“One final question Little One. Who are you?”<br/>That one confused Jay. He knew this, right? This was easy, right?<br/>Wrong.<br/>He couldn’t remember, he could tell he was starting to panic now.<br/>“I-i um I don’t know. Sir? Help” he mumbled out. <br/>Why couldn’t he remember?<br/>Stupid.<br/>Easy.<br/>Wrong.<br/>He was starting to hyperventilate now, he knew this. He could feel the calming and grounding touch on his shoulder, the grip and gentle rubbing on the side of his neck helping to calm him. <br/>“Look at me.”<br/>‘When had he closed his eyes?’<br/>“Little Soldier. I said look at me.”<br/>He opened his eyes and looked up.<br/>“It’s ok. You’re my Little One, I’m going to help you, that is all you need to know.”<br/>Jay just numbly nodded. <br/>A bottle was passed to him and he knew the fuzzy daze was better than whatever this feeling was, and so drank it, sinking into oblivion.<br/>“That’s it Little One. Just sink. Shh, just sleep now. There's more to come in the morning.”<br/>And with the constant weight on his shoulder and the underlying throbbing in his neck, Jay fell into a fitful haze.</p><p>*At the precinct*</p><p>“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! How the fuck did he slip out?!” yelled a pissed off Will Halstead for the 5th time since storming into the station after waking to a 3 hour old text from Mouse.<br/>“I don’t know Will but yelling at me doesn’t find them any quicker.” Voight said, trying to calm the raging elder Halstead.<br/>“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry.” he sighed, defeated, dropping into the couch in Voights office.<br/>“Will. Look at me.” When he did, Voight continued, “We’re going to get them back, you know we are. Come on, let’s go see what the guys have.” he said in a calm, comforting tone reserved for the Halstead brothers it would seem recently.</p><p>The bullpen was a bustle of noise and action. Everyone was running around doing something. Atwater and Ruzek were tracking Mouse’s phone alongside the number plate Mouse had forwarded to them. Antonio and Alvin were setting up a timeline of everyone's last whereabouts, including the officers on guard of Taylor, and Will and Mouse in the apartment building. Hailey was working with Burgess and talked to their CI’s to see if anyone knew anything, while also working their way through Taylor’s financials and known associates for any other properties that he could be holding Jay and Mouse at.</p><p>“Anything?” Voight said, voice commanding.<br/>“So, we have tracked him and the van they were in to Lower Whacker but we lose him in Greektown, either switched out the plates, the car or is holled up somewhere around there.” Atwater offered up.<br/>“Ok, so Upton, look through Taylor’s file, see if he or anyone he knows has any property in Greektown.”<br/>“Actually, I was just about to piggyback onto Kev’s point there” Burgess spoke up, “He grew up there, his mom owned a charity shop just on the corner next to their house there” she said as she handed out the map and street access for them all to see, while also pinning it to the board, circling his mother's old home and workplace.<br/>“This looks promising guys. Anything else on the house?”<br/>“Not yet, we were just waiting to see if there was a link before we went digging further.” Hailey finished up.<br/>“Alright, well get digging, see who lives there now and if his mother owned any other properties. Al, where are we at?” Voight turned his attention over to his oldest friend.<br/>“Timeline all fits. There's a gap between leaving here and Mouse sending that text so I’m assuming he went to wherever he is holding them to set up or change and get whatever he needed before heading round to grab Jay up.”<br/>“And he managed to hide from all the cameras, so we lost him in crowds after he left the station. Just have to wait for Officer Jones to wake up in the hospital to get a statement from him.” Antonio added.</p><p>Voight sighed. It’s more than they had before but less than they needed. He shakes his head, not really believing they were back in the same situation they were 4 months ago. No news or anything.<br/>“Ok. Keep working, look into the mom, keep looking into Greektown. Shout me when you have something. Me and Will are going to be in my office.”<br/>With that he turns, dragging the silent redhead along with him.</p><p>“Will, I need you to keep your head up, ok. They’re both strong, and they’ve both been through something like this before.” seeing Will sadly nod, he decides to continue, resting a hand on his shoulder, to comfort the younger man. “Think of it this way, they’re both stubborn bastards who would do anything for the other right? So they are going to fight this for each other. They are going to try and protect each other. You got to have a little faith in them.”<br/>Will scoffed out a chuckle “Yeah, bunch of knuckleheads, can’t tell if them being together gives my more hope or worries me more. Knowing them two. But yeah I understand what you’re trying to get at. Thanks Hank.” Will says sincerely, placing a hand over the comforting one on his shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>“Anytime kid. And hey, it’s only been 10 hours, I know you’re worried but we are a hell of a lot further along than we were last time.” Voight says with a shrug, trying to lighten the mood.<br/>“Yeah lets hope we can get him back. Get them both back a lot less scathed than last time too then.”</p><p>Both men fell back to silence, Voight heading over to his computer to see if he had any updates or anything to keep himself occupied, while Will sat back into the couch, his worry and anxiety getting the best of him as he found himself getting tired, before falling asleep, arms crossed over himself, trying to hold the pain in.</p><p> </p><p>‘Come on kid. You gotta fight your way back to us’ Voight thought, looking at the weary and breaking older Halstead opposite him.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0026"><h2>26. Choose</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>HI!!</p><p>Sorry for the wait.<br/>My mental health dipped and I didn't do much of anything this past week... but I'm home for the weekend and motivation struck.<br/>This chapter REALLY ran away from me and the flashback was totally not in any of my plans but you know here we are :)<br/>I was gonna leave this on a cliff hanger, like you may be able to guess where, but thought that making you wait this long for a chapter was mean enough so here you go.</p><p>I have LOVED all of your reviews, so thank you so much for them!! I really appreciate and take in everything yous say.</p><p>Any and all mistakes are mine, <br/>Lemme know what you think<br/>Hope yall enjoy!<br/>Vx :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The door to the room Jay had groggily found himself again burst open, Sir standing in the entryway, a scowl on his face. His features softened once he saw Jay was awake and looking at him with wide and glazed eyes.<br/>“Morning my Little Soldier. Today is going to be a big day for you, I hope you remember your lessons.”<br/>When Jay didn’t immediately answer, Sir stepped forward, causing Jay to flinch and say “Yes Sir, sorry Sir.” <br/>A smile broke out on Sir’s face, “Good boy.”<br/>Jay hated to admit it but every time that phrase was said to him, a warmth spread across his chest. He didn’t know if it was because Sir was saying it to him or if he never fully let himself believe he could be good again. Not after all the bad he had done and hurt he had caused.<br/>He wanted to be good. God did he want to be good, but he didn’t think he had it in him. Didn’t think he should be allowed the happiness that good people got. Not anymore.</p><p>Sir could sense the growing turmoil in Jay and stepped in before any thoughts could swipe him away.<br/>“Hey Little One. Don’t go blanking on me now. Come back to me.”<br/>Jay looked up at Sir, eyes wide and glassy.<br/>“There he is.” he cupped one of Jay’s cheeks, smirking slightly.<br/>“This is how today is going to go. You want to be good? You want to get better? You want to forget?” seeing Jays slow nod he continues “You need to listen to me, and do everything I tell you to. Ok. You’re scared to remember your past, you want to move on from the hurt and those you have hurt? You have to let go and get rid of the one thing that's holding you back.”<br/>Jay tilted his head in confusion, brows furrowed showing his distress.<br/>“I - I - I don’t understand” Jay stuttered out.<br/>“You will.” he ended the conversation by handing over another bottle to Jay, laying him back for another round.<br/>‘You will, my Little One. Soon.’</p><p>About two hours later, Jay is lucid but still groggy. It was confusing as he could mostly think and move well enough but he still couldn’t recall some things. His name at times was a mystery, his past - a mystery - all he knew was that he hurt people and that everything he seemed to touch fell apart, and everything that went wrong was his fault. He knew two names: Will and Mouse. He knew they meant something to him, that they were important but he just couldn’t place. <br/>Just as he was about to spiral around it, the door opened and Sir walked in, a smirk on his face.<br/>“Ah, you’re awake. How are you feeling?”<br/>‘Sore’ he wanted to say but “fine” came out instead.<br/>“Good. Are you ready for your test?”<br/>Jay nodded in response, albeit reluctantly and flinched backwards when Sir reached for the chain around his neck.<br/>“Follow me then, and stay quiet till I tell you otherwise.” He dragged Jay up and pulled him along by the length of chain attached. Jay stumbled behind, not having walked for a while and still feeling sore from the ‘lessons’. He recognised the route down to the basement, even though he had only been there once. Sir could sense him starting to struggle, panicking and pulling away from the door leading to the steps.<br/>“What are you doing?” he seethed. “Stop pulling, what happened to your manners?” he spun on his heel to face Jay, hand coming up to slap across his face. Jay teetered back, tears welling in his eyes.<br/>“Oh, look what you made me do.” he said, a whining tone to his voice, lifting his hand again to caress his cheek “Why did you do that for? Look, now you’re hurt and that’s your fault. Now come on, stop messing around.” One final tug at the chain had Jay sniffling and following behind down the stairs.</p><p>Walking into the room, Sir closed the door behind while also letting go of the chain, knowing Jay wasn’t going anywhere. Jay took this chance to scope out the place, nothing sticking out to him as meant to obviously hurt him, nothing hanging from the walls or ceiling. He took a few more cautious steps into the room, Sir just a pace behind him, and stopped dead in his tracks. </p><p>There was a chair in the middle of the room.<br/>Someone with a bag over their head sat there, ropes around their wrists.</p><p>Jay looked between the new mystery person and Sir, confusion and a bit of fear showing on his face.</p><p>“It’s ok. This is your test.” Sir said, a smile on his face, as he pulled a gun out from his waistband. <br/>Jay’s eyes widened, jaw going slack.<br/>“Um - I - what?” he stuttered.<br/>“Oh Little Soldier. This is your test. Shoot him, be rid of the past which haunts you and start anew with me. Just shoot him.” he said, tone so casual you would think he asked what drink you wanted. <br/>Jay just stumbled; over his thoughts, words and his feet.<br/>“Who - who is - um - who is it?” he managed to finally ask.<br/>Sir tutted “oh, no one important. I just need to know if you remember how to follow orders.”<br/>Jay hadn’t been able to take his eyes off the man in the chair, his hands started to shake, his vision got blurry as his mind took him back to a time he thought he had forgotten.</p><p>~<br/>He had been in their base for a few days now, he hadn’t slept and he didn’t know what they had been injecting him with and he was bordering on paranoid. He knew Mouse was here somewhere, along with another of their unit. He had been kept separate from the others, knew it was a technique to lower their defences, make them weak. <br/>He was thinking through his options, he could try and fight his way out, but would he get far? He couldn’t leave his brothers behind that's for sure. Ok, decision made, stay here and try to find a way to get to Mouse and his team.<br/>Before he could nod off and get any sleep, the door to the room swung open, three guards surrounded what he assumed was the leader of this team. They took steps towards Jay, guns raised, and released him from the chains that were holding him up. His legs gave way from not using them in a while and two of the men stepped forward to grab underneath his arms and helped drag him to another room where he saw Mouse and his other team mate Lip. <br/>“Choose.”<br/>“Wh-what?” he croaked out, throat dry.<br/>“One lives. One dies. Choose”<br/>“Sarge. It’s ok.” Lip said, face bloody.<br/>Mouse looked on in silence, shirt off, torso covered in contusions.<br/>Jay found it hard to look between the two. His best friend and one of his team, his brothers. And he had to choose which one of them would die. <br/>“No. not happening” he insisted.<br/>Shouting filled the room, between Jay, the leader, his team and the soldiers surrounding them all. <br/>“Enough! Choose one or you die!”<br/>“Sarge” “Wait no!”<br/>“Fine. Shoot me. Kill me” Jay yelled out, ignoring Mouse and Lip.<br/>Jay and Mouse made eye contact, passing messages back and forth in a way only they knew how. Mouse gave a final subtle nod, acceptance. Lip just spoke up again, “Sarge, it’s ok.”<br/>Jay shook his head, finding the strength to hold himself and fight against the men holding him. Once he was free he turned on the leader, raising a gun he had gotten from a guard to him. <br/>“Let us go. Let them go. Now or I swear to god I’ll shoot you all where you stand.” Lip let out a small shudder, hating the way Jay can turn his tone so dangerously and uncomfortably threatening and low.<br/>The younger boys surrounding them lowered their guns, fearing what their captive soldier was capable of.<br/>Jay was in a stare down with the leader, both had guns drawn, aimed at the other. The blood loss and beatings seemed to catch up with him as a wave of darkness consumed him for a split second, but that was all it seemed to take for the leader to jump forward, quickly disarming him and putting him into a tight hold. Jay’s back was held against the taller man’s front, an arm around his neck and chest, another holding up the hand with the gun.<br/>“No moves left. Choose!” <br/>Jay grunted and struggled against the hold, but the grip on his chest and arm was relentless. He could feel his arm being moved toward Mouse and in a final second thought, he twitched his hand, pushing the gun toward Lip, the leader giving his finger on the trigger a squeeze.<br/>Jay thought he had gone deaf. The silence that followed the realisation of him moving his arm was heartbreaking. He didn't register the gun going off until he saw the reassuring and accepting smile from Lip, and the shocked expression from Mouse, before Lip’s head flung back with the force of the bullet entering his brain.<br/>The moments that came after the gunshot was a series of movements to the soundtrack of ringing in his ears.<br/>He was dropped onto the floor, the room and the building was cleared out. Mouse was released from the chair by the final man, who got out safe, neither of the Americans having much strength to do anything other than stare in silence at their fallen comrade.<br/>Once an hour or so had passed, Mouse moved towards Jay, who was curled up, eyes stuck on Lip.<br/>“Hey, Sarge. We gotta move. Come on man, we gotta move” he spoke through the lump in his throat.<br/>“I - I - He - He’s just a kid. I killed him” Jay started hyperventilating, panicked breaths punctuated with sobs. <br/>“It wasn’t you, it wasn’t your fault. But man we have to move!”<br/>“I - We can’t leave him.”<br/>And that's how they sat there for a further 2 hours, Jay moved to hold Lip’s hand ”So he's not alone” before their unit found them. A note had been sent to their team with the coordinates of their location and a note ‘see how well your team works without a member and a broken leader.’</p><p>~</p><p>“Shoot him,” Sir said, snapping Jay back into the present. He looked around, taking what feels like his first deep breath for a while.<br/>Jay starts to panic again, thoughts and memories flooding back, he tries to remember how to shut himself off to that part of him, those emotions that do nothing but hold him back. He takes the gun from Sir’s outstretched hand. Sir smirks when he sees Jay lift the gun, aiming for the middle of the black fabric. Sir takes a few steps forward and rips the bag off of the man's head to reveal one Greg Gerwitz. <br/>One battered, bruised, bleeding and gagged Greg Gerwitz.<br/>Jay falters. <br/>He knows he recognises the man, knows he knows that face but he can’t seem to place a name.<br/>One of his hands trails up his arm to scratch away at the healing cuts, anything to ground him in the present. He stops still however when his fingers trace over words, names he remembers. He traces the letters, the words and makes out two names.<br/>Will.<br/>Mouse.<br/>Mouse.<br/>“M-mouse” he whispers out. <br/>Strained groaning and shouting is all the response Mouse is able to give because of the cloth in his mouth. <br/>“Bu-but you sa-said he left.” Jay turned accusingly toward Sir.<br/>“I don’t know what you want me to say. You heard wrong. Remember, sometimes you mix things up.”<br/>Jay shook his head, trying not to fall for it, “no, no, you said, you told me I was alone.”<br/>“That feeling you have, right there, is what I'm trying to help you get over. You don’t need him, you don't need those people. I’m the only one you need Little One, the only one who knows what you've been through”<br/>That pulled argumentative mumbles from Mouse, who was struggling more now to get to his friend.<br/>“He was ready to leave you, I stopped him to let you decide. Remember. Choose.”<br/>Jay brought both hands up to his head, heels of his fists hitting his temples “no, no, no. Shut up, shut up. Just stop!” he yelled out, the yelling from Mouse, the words from Sir and the buzzing in his head getting too much for him.<br/>“Choose, Little Soldier. Choose. Pull the trigger, or have another lesson.” Jay blanched at that thought.<br/>He raised the gun, pointing it toward Mouse, tears streaming down his face, features drawn in anguish. Mouse had that same resigned and confident look on his face, accepting what was to come, making peace with the fact that this was not his friend, this was not his Jay doing this.<br/>The trigger was pulled, the sound echoing in the small room.<br/>The gun clattered off of the ground, falling from Jay’s slack hand.<br/>A sob ripped out of his throat as he turned his head to look into the wide eyes of his best friend. He rushed forward, pulling the gag out of his mouth, removing the ropes that tied him to the chair before he stumbled over to the body on the floor.<br/>No pulse. <br/>Not breathing.<br/>Jay wasn’t breathing properly.<br/>Mouse could sense him panicking.<br/>He saw the moment Jay realised what he had done, saw him drop, shaking blood coated hands running through his hair and over his face.<br/>“Hey Jay? Come on man you gotta breathe”<br/>Jay shook his head, mumbling out a string of words Mouse can’t really decipher.<br/>Mouse took the time while he was still to look over the newer injuries. He saw the old wounds, the old scars and the names on his arm. Saw the bruises on his inner thighs and on his hips, the red marks on his wrists and the bruise from the chain on his neck. <br/>“Oh Jay.” Mouse sighed. He crouched to meet his friend on the floor. Hands splayed to show he wasn’t going to be a threat, head bowed to try and meet his eyes.<br/>“Hey bud. Can you look up at me please?”<br/>No response, just ragged breaths.<br/>“Ok. Come on Jay, help me out a little here alright? You have to slow your breaths down. Please.” he started to plead.<br/>He, like Jay, remembered a similar situation to this, remembered the angry accented words. The phrase ‘choose’ echoed around his head day and night since he got back from that tour, the echo growing louder with this new memory to add to the word.<br/>He could feel himself start to panic alongside Jay, he couldn't figure out how to help him, how to calm him down when he himself was getting pulled away by memories and flashbacks.<br/>The one thing he was able to grasp to keep himself present was the need to get Jay help. Gently grabbing both of Jay's hands with his own, Mouse tugged to get his attention. When a single brow twitched Mouse knew he was getting him back. <br/>“Jay. I need you to help me out here. I need you to calm down. Take a deep breath. Come on man!” He yelled. <br/>When Jay reacted to the loud tone Mouse finally felt like he had a plan.<br/>“Sarge? Hey Sargeant Halstead. You need to come back to me, ok? We have to get out, get back to the unit. So you have to fix your breathing. Sarge? That's an order!”<br/>Military training. <br/>Works every time.<br/>Mouse had learnt that during his many nights with Jay over the past few years. When he is panicking, stressed or just not all there, he reverts back to his training. Calculated, organised, listening to orders.<br/>Mouse could see Jay’s mouth moving still, but no noise was coming out.<br/>He lent forward, getting into Jay’s space, consequences be damned. <br/>“Speak up man. What are you trying to say?”<br/>He strained to hear the small whisper coming from his broken friend on the floor in front of him.<br/>“Sergeant. Rangers. 51163. Sergeant. Rangers. 51163.”<br/>He was using his CPD badge number, Mouse noticed. <br/>“Hey Sarge, where’s your head at?”<br/>“Jay! Come on! Come back to me man! I can’t get us out of here if you don't help me. Come on. Just like the valley. We gotta get back to Will.” He hoped that mentioning his brother would pull him back.<br/>Jay raised his head, hands squeezing Mouse’s.<br/>“Yeah, Will. Remember? Come on, you’re in Chicago.”<br/>Jay tried to pull one of his hands free from Mouse’s, who let go, wondering where this was going. He slowly raised his hand to his arm fingers tracing the scars of names. It seemed to help ground him as his breathing slowed and he let a sob rip its way out of his throat.<br/>“Greg? Mouse? What - ?”<br/>Mouse let out a sigh in relief, “oh thank God! You’re ok, we gotta go though.” Jay started to panic a little again, looking around for Sir, Mouse just trapped his head between his hands not allowing him to see what had happened just yet.<br/>“Hey no, it's ok. Just keep looking at me. Can I take this off?” he said in reference to the chain around his neck. After a nod from Jay, he slowly tried to remove the chain from his neck, wincing when Jay did until the whole length was laying on the floor beside them. <br/>“Why don’t we get you upstairs, find some clothes and go find Will, alright? How does that sound?”<br/>Jay nodded, and followed Mouse, who was walking backwards so that Jay could keep his eyes on him. <br/>They found some clothes in a spare room, Mouse not wanting Jay to go back into the room he was held this time round, Jay not arguing.</p><p>They managed to get into the car unscathed, Jay curling in on himself, Mouse pushing past his anxiety to drive them to Med.</p><p>He barely bothered to park the car, before jumping out and pulling Jay from the passenger seat, who’s eyes had been dropping, breathing getting uneven again, raising the panic level in Mouse.</p><p>They stumbled into the ED, gripping each other tight before falling onto Maggie’s desk, Mouse saying “Will” before collapsing, Jay following suit. </p><p>“Dr Choi! April! I need two gurneys. Someone call Hank Voight and Will. NOW people, move it!” Maggie called out, using her emergency and urgent voice.<br/>Both unconscious boys were lifted onto gurneys, being wheeled into two separate rooms, a gaggle of people surrounding them both.</p><p>‘Oh boys.’ Maggie thought ‘you’re gonna be ok’ she prayed.<br/>She went back to the desk, ready to prepare everyone else for the oncoming mania that would occur once Will and Voight landed in the ED.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0027"><h2>27. What's the Rundown Then Doc?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello :)</p><p>Hope everyone has been keeping well.<br/>I did my first hand in of my final year and it felt weird... 2 more to go then Christmas break!<br/>I am not a doctor so apologies about this chapter but oh well.</p><p>As always any and all mistakes are mine,<br/>lemme know what you think.<br/>Enjoy,<br/>Vx</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Yeah. ok, thank you Maggie. We’re leaving now. Just message me what room they’re in. Thank you again. See you soon.”</p><p>Voight hung up the phone and turned to face Will, who was standing in the doorway, having followed Hank to his office when he heard the phone ring.<br/>
The redhead was bouncing on the balls of his feet, arms crossed in front of his chest, one brow raised. Voight couldn't help but find the similarities between the two Halsteads, the way they both had the same tics when waiting for news. Voight let out a small chuckle when he saw Will’s brow twitch slightly so thought it best to tell him everything before he was trapped in the car with a stressed out big brother.<br/>
“I’m going to need you to just stay quiet and listen to me, alright?”<br/>
Following a nod from Will, Voight continued.<br/>
“Jay and Mouse are both at Med, Maggie couldn't give me all of the details but they seem to be stable and she didn't sound too worried. Me, you and Hailey are going to head to Med while the rest of the guys stay here in case anything pops up that we need, or we hear anything about Taylor.”<br/>
Will nodded in response, grabbing his jacket and heading down to the car while Voight briefed the rest of the team.<br/>
Not five minutes later Will, Voight and Hailey were driving out of the lot and were on their way to Med.</p><p>After a tense yet calm drive they found themselves pulling into the visitors car park and heading round to the ED doors.<br/>
Maggie met them at her desk and ushered them into the doctors lounge to give them the run down before they were bombarded with information from the boys’ doctors.<br/>
“Okay so, they came in about thirty minutes ago, Mouse was practically dragging Jay through the doors but both of them managed to hold on until they reached my desk and Mouse only said your name, Will. Then they both collapsed and were rushed off to separate rooms to be seen and that’s as much as I know.”<br/>
Will sat back, deflated, knowing there was nothing he could really do for either of them from a doctor's standpoint or from a police officer's standpoint, all he knew was that he had to be there for both of his brothers.<br/>
Voight and Hailey on the other hand found comfort knowing that there was something they could do.<br/>
“Maggie, do you know how they got here? Has Mouse or Jay said anything?” Hailey started.<br/>
Maggie just shook her head, “No, they haven't said anything, neither have woke back up yet. I don’t know how they got here, all I heard was tyres screeching then Mouse and Jay were at the desk then on the floor. You could ask security for the tapes if you need. Sorry I couldn't be of more help, I don't have access to those.”<br/>
“No, don't say sorry, you've done more than enough, thank you.”<br/>
“Jay’s in room 174, Mouse is in 158” Maggie said as a parting comment.</p><p>Will stood up to leave saying he was going to check on the boys, Hailey and Voight decided to find those security tapes, knowing Will could handle it alone for a short while.</p><p>Gary, the security guard on shift in the record room, let Voight and Hailey in and loaded up the tapes they were after and left them to it.<br/>
“Ok, so we have a car arriving at the front doors to the ED at approx 1.45pm. See if you can get the plates off of it and send them over to the guys, see if they can track it back to wherever they were being held.”<br/>
Hailey nodded in acknowledgment at her sargeants order, following through while he kept talking.<br/>
“Mouse managed to get them both here, what I want to know is where the hell Taylor is and how they managed to get out. When the guys find the house, get them to move in on it, we have to be here for these two.”<br/>
Another nod from Hailey and they were off to make the appropriate phone calls before heading up to see the men of the hour.</p><p>Will had made it up to the floor which held his brother and his brother's best friend.<br/>
He hesitated outside of Mouse's door, knowing the young man would understand his need to see his brother first. Taking stock of the man in front of him, Will steps away to turn down the corridor to see his brother.</p><p>The numbers 174 practically yelled out to him as he reached the door to his brother.<br/>
He found himself needing to take a moment before he could open the door, needing to remind himself that yes, they were here again but they also got him out again. And they would help him through whatever happened this time round again because that is what brothers are for and there is nowhere Will would rather be right now than by his brothers bedside, looking on as he recovered again from something no one should even have to experience once.</p><p>Deciding there was no time like the present, Will took a grounding breath and pushed open the door to his brothers room.<br/>
He stopped in his tracks, Jay was hooked up to many monitors but thankfully not as many as before. The heart monitor and IV were the two main wires coming from his body, he had a nasal cannula hooked up, supplying him with a little extra support. There were fresh wraps on his wrists and chest, fresh bruising on his neck and the side of his face. Will didn’t want to look lower than what was on display, waiting till his doctor came in to give him the rundown of injuries.<br/>
He sat for a few minutes, just holding his hand and running his fingers through Jay’s now longer and unruly hair, smirking to himself that that will be the first thing he complains about when he’s back to 100%.<br/>
‘Oh god’ Will thought ‘what if we can’t get him back to 100%’<br/>
Shaking his head to himself at that thought Will leant forward to whisper in Jay’s ear “Come on baby bro. You're on the home stretch now, it’s over. You’re home. You’re safe. Just wake up. Come on man. I’m right here.”<br/>
Leaning back and patting Jay’s arm, Will ran a hand down his face, sighing to himself and getting himself comfortable for the wait.</p><p>Around ten minutes later Voight knocked at the door, Hailey and Ethan in tow, Will raising his hand in greeting.<br/>
“How are you holding up Will?” Hailey asked.<br/>
“Hanging in there, just pissed we’re back here again. What's the rundown then Doc?” he said, turning his attention to Ethan.<br/>
Ethan sighed, also hating that they were back here again, but putting his emotions for the Halstead brothers aside, he started with his list of injuries.<br/>
“Ok. so I’m assuming we don’t need to go over his previous injuries?” he inquired, following the nods and shrugs from the group he continued on.<br/>
“Right, um, so starting from the top, Jay has another concussion, not too bad but will need the usual regular checks to keep on top of it. There are new bruises and fresh cuts around the eye here but they don’t need sutures so they should heal on their own with some antiseptic cream. He has extensive bruising around his neck here again” Ethan said, gesturing to the bruises circling Jay’s neck. “Again this will just need monitoring, I don’t want to assume how he got it but judging from the width and length I would suggest a cord or chain of some sort, but we will find out more hopefully when either of them are awake.” He said looking over to Voight. Turning back to Jay, he continued down his body, “the bruising on his chest and back is new and from our initial scan we are not detecting any broken ribs or fractures of any kind, so ice and rest will sort those out. There are fresh bruises on his wrists which are in line with our working theory of him being held down again, based off of the shape and size of them they looked to be caused by hands. The scars on his arms from the previous incident have healed quite nicely however the names and a few others are going to be prominent for quite some time unfortunately.”<br/>
Ethan took this pause to look at the rest of the group, taking note of how they are reacting to the news, which is not as badly as he had expected. Catching Will’s eye, the two men share a conversation in a look, Ethan needing to know if Will was comfortable for Voight and Hailey to be present for the rest of the rundown.<br/>
“It’s ok Ethan, they’re family” he said, resigned, with a sigh. Ethan just nodded his response and turned to face the other two in the room also.<br/>
“Unfortunately there is fresh bruising on the lower hip and upper thigh area, which is consistent with sexual assault and matches the pattern from last time. We will need Jay to be awake and coherent for us to run any form of rape kit but we have taken bloods to see if the same drug was used and if there is any complications surrounding viruses that we can tackle immedietly.”<br/>
Hailey couldn’t believe what she was hearing.<br/>
Jay was sexually assaulted.<br/>
Again?<br/>
Voight kept this from the team the first time around, she knew that for a fact as this was the first she was hearing about this.<br/>
She couldn't help but feel her heart break for her partner lying unconscious in the hospital bed before her, a far contrast to the man she first met in that bank all those months ago.<br/>
She knew now that she would do everything she could to get justice for Jay, anything she could to make him feel safe again, to feel somewhat normal.<br/>
She looked to her sergeant and knew he was feeling the same thing. She knew Jay and Voight had their own little relationship going on, everyone in Intelligence could see it, they weren't called Chicago's most elite force for nothing you know. She knew they had formed a special bond somewhere down the line, and could see how protective he was. Jay was in good hands, she could tell.</p><p>Voight stood to the other side of Will, one hand raising to squeeze the man’s shoulder, offering his support but also needing some himself.<br/>
Jay got taken. Again.<br/>
By Taylor. Again.<br/>
Sexually assaulted. Again.<br/>
Again.<br/>
That word had always haunted the older man, but now there was a new meaning to the phrase, a new person to add to the statistic.<br/>
‘No’ he thought ‘he would not delegate Jay to a statistic.’<br/>
Looking over to the man lying in the bed in front of him, the detective stood beside him and to the brother holding both him and the railing of the bed, Voight knew that here was where he was needed, Al and the team could handle the rest.<br/>
“What do you know about Mouse?” Will found himself asking, knowing they were the only family he had.</p><p>Ethan sighed, not wanting to add to the group's growing burdens but remembering that Will was down as a medical proxy for Mouse, he started that rundown. Opening the file for Mouse and rubbing a hand across his forehead Ethan tried to usher the group out of the room “Jay doesn’t need to hear this”.</p><p>Once they were in a private waiting room on the same floor, Ethan started with his list of injuries.<br/>
“So, starting from the head down again, Greg has a minor brain injury, I'm assuming he got hit in the head to be taken down and repeatedly hit over the head causing a small bleed. It is under control and didn't need surgery so were just going to be closely monitoring it. He has a black eye and a split lip, nothing that we couldn’t fix with cream and bandages. Further down there are multiple contusions across his chest and lower torso, ranging from taser burns, bruising and cuts, nothing major again, just a few stitches here and there. My main worries are the two broken ribs and the rope burns on his wrists and ankles. We’ve wrapped the ribs as best as we can and the rope burns have been washed out, stitched where needed and wrapped up, so mobility may be a bit difficult for a short while. When they’re both awake and talking to me I will see about moving them into a room together and depending on what Dr Charles has to say, they can be released at the end of the week.”<br/>
Looking around at the three faces of the group, Hailey just keeps looking down at her hands, she didn’t know Mouse at all but hearing about him from Jay and the guys in the bullpen and swapping stories at Mollys sort of prepared her for meeting the tech whiz but spending time with him while looking for Jay, seeing him work under pressure, made her respect for the man, and hs bond with Jay skyrocket. Hearing of them both in this predicament made her remember a story Jay once told about how they used to sneak out of their rooms at the hospital on tour, when they were not too badly injured, because they couldn't bear to be apart and had this strong need to make sure the other was alright. She smiled, despite herself.<br/>
Voight shook his head, he had an idea as to just how much the young soldier could withstand and knew about his past but he just hoped that this wouldn’t be a slippery slope for the man. For either of them.<br/>
Will sighed and dropped his head. He couldn’t help but feel a sense of deja vu. Here he was again, sitting in a hospital hearing about the injuries his brother and his best friend had sustained, while facing something he knew he would never understand. And again he felt utterly powerless.<br/>
“Can - can I go see him?” Will asked.<br/>
“Yeah,” Ethan nodded “he’s just down the hall.”</p><p>Will left Voight and Hailey with Ethan while he went off in search of the man in question.<br/>
Arriving at room 158, Will hesitated. He knew he was close with the young man but would he be welcome at his bedside? ‘Of course you idiot’ he thought ‘He’s family.’</p><p>Sitting with Mouse allowed Will time to think back on how this man lying on the bed in front of him, attached to different monitors, had been there for his little brother. In ways he couldn’t even begin to imagine, in ways he could have never managed or been able to. They had a bond more profound than anyone ever thought possible and somehow these two boys continued to amaze Will in the ways they would support each other no matter what and in the way they continued to drag each other home when needed. He didn’t think he would ever be able to repay Mouse for helping, no, saving his little brother and he could only hope that they could help each other through this too.</p><p>Not too long after this thought process, Will felt a shift below his hand, Mouse’s arm twitching, raising to the cannula in his nose, trying to pull it out. Will gently grabbed his arm and lowered it with a calm “Hey, no you can't do that bud, sorry.”</p><p>Cloudy eyes followed the voice and landed on Will, a small tired smile came across cracked lips.<br/>
“There he is” Will said with a smile of his own, before he watched Mouse’s eyes widen and brows raise before his croaky voice let out a rough “Where’s Jay?”</p><p>Will couldn't stop himself from letting out a sigh and a small laugh of relief before dropping back into the chair, hand still resting on Mouse’s arm.</p><p>‘Yeah, they're going to be fine.’</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0028"><h2>28. Hi.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey everyone.</p><p>Sorry for going MIA for a little while. I've had a few personal issues to work through as well as a 3500 word essay on something I have ZERO understanding about (cue my having a breakdown over my pasta sauce going wrong).</p><p>I've actually been writing this since I posted the last chapter and you know me, I can sit and let it run away from me but its been bad this time :') but all's good.</p><p>Hopefully on the home stretch now mentally and hopefully will have another chapter out before Christmas!</p><p>Hope you are all keeping well, everyone in the UK how's the tier system treating you?<br/>Please enjoy this chapter, let me know what yous think - anything will help at this point.</p><p>Love you guys,<br/>Vx</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Beep.<br/>
Beep.<br/>
Beep.</p><p>What is that noise? Jay thought to himself.<br/>
Feeling the sheets on his bare chest, the mattress under his back and hearing the consistent beeping noise in the background, Jay tried to put the pieces together of where he was.<br/>
It wasn’t until he shifted slightly, letting out a small groan, did he know where he was.<br/>
The hospital.<br/>
He tried to force his eyes open, moaning and mumbling sounds that only made sense to him.<br/>
“Hey, Jay, it's ok. Calm down, you’re alright.”<br/>
He shook his head in response to the voice, he didn’t know who was speaking, couldn’t recognise it. It wasn’t Sir, Will or Mouse.<br/>
‘Oh god. Where was he’<br/>
Jay was starting to panic again, not knowing much of what was going on was starting to freak him out just a little.<br/>
“Hey Halstead, I’m going to need you to calm down for a minute. It’s ok.” a pause, then the voice got louder, “Someone get Will in here, he’s waking up.” the gruff voice called out.<br/>
“Jay, Will’s on his way, you’re going to be ok.” the voice was back to being gentle, a hand holding his shoulder, rubbing circles with its thumb.<br/>
Jay had squeezed his eyes shut, too afraid to even try to open them, not knowing what he will see when he does.<br/>
He doesn’t know how much time had passed, how long he had been lying there, with someone’s hand on his shoulder, praying for it to all end.<br/>
He was brought out of his thoughts by a hand being placed on his opposite arm, slightly gripping his hand, another hand holding the side of his head, rubbing just next to his eye, easing the tension that had formed there.</p><p>“Hey little brother, think you want to open those eyes for me?”<br/>
‘Will’<br/>
A small sob made its way out of Jay’s mouth, startling Will as up until now he had been silent. He, however, knew what was trying to be said.<br/>
“Yeah, it’s me, it’s Will. You’re ok now Jay, it’s ok. Please open your eyes, look at me. You’re going to be alright, it’s over”<br/>
During Will’s speech, Jay had found the strength to relax and open his eyes to look at his brother, his eyes widening when they made contact with him. A small smile came across both of their faces, Jay straining to let out a rough “hi”.</p><p>Will let out a startled laugh, “you with us Jay? You know where you are?”<br/>
“Med. Will.”<br/>
“Yeah, that’s right bud. How are you feeling?” Will said with a smile, everything seemed to be ok for now.<br/>
Jay just shrugged in response, not fully understanding what was going on.<br/>
“Should we get Choi in here?” the gruff voice rang out once again.<br/>
Jay jumped, startled by the extra voice in the room. He knew he had tightened his grip on Will’s hand because the gentle circular motion on his shoulder was back, trying to keep him calm.<br/>
“Yes, would you be ok to get him? And give us a minute?” Will gently asked, Jay still not turning to face the other man as he stood up and exited.<br/>
“Hey, Jay. Look at me? What’s up?” Will asked.<br/>
“I - uh - I - I dunno?” Jay mumbled out.<br/>
“You wanna tell me before Voight gets back with Ethan and probably Charles? Just me and you in here right now bro.”<br/>
“Voight?”<br/>
“Yeah” Will said, confusion coating his voice, “Your boss, Hank Voight?”<br/>
‘Oh my god!’ Jay thought ‘of course you idiot. Voight!’<br/>
‘Stupid, forgetting him’<br/>
‘Can't remember things, should just be quiet, don’t want to get anything wrong’<br/>
“Jay, hey. Come back to me. What’s wrong?”<br/>
Jay shrugged his shoulders, but was otherwise quiet again.<br/>
Will squeezed Jay’s shoulder, ducking his head to try and meet his eyes. He knew this would be a setback for his little brother, that everything they had finally managed to get him to tackle would come crashing back down on him. He just hoped that it wouldn’t be as much of an uphill battle as it had once been, now they knew the triggers and how to handle his mood swings.<br/>
“Jay, Ethan, Charles and Voight will be back here in about five minutes. Is there anything you want to talk about before they get here? Anything you want to ask or?” Will tried to push.<br/>
Jay just shook his head, his free hand going to rub at the scars off his brother’s names on his arm, trying to stay present, stay grounded.<br/>
“Ok, little brother, it’s ok.”</p><p>They found themselves in silence, Jay holding his upper arm, Will holding his hand.<br/>
Will could see Jay thinking, he could practically see the thoughts running across his mind, but he didn’t know what he could do to help.<br/>
He could see his lips moving but couldn’t make out the words he was trying to make, but he didn't want to ask, thinking that he needed to work through this in his own way.<br/>
It was a few moments later, grip on his upper arm getting tighter, when he turned to Will with a gasp, grabbing his arm and saying a rushed “Mouse!”</p><p>Will couldn't help but to chuckle slightly, ‘these two didn’t know how alike they were’ he thought to himself. Jay’s grip on his hand got tighter which reminded him Jay was probably seeking an answer to a question he thinks he's asked.<br/>
“He’s fine, Mouse is fine. He is in a room down the hall, you can see him later. But first you have to talk to Charles and Ethan, ok? Then I’ll take you to him or bring him to you. I promise.” He told him calmly.<br/>
Jay just nodded in response then turned to the door as a knock echoed through the room.</p><p>Following a look from Jay, Will let the doctors into the room before resuming his position next to him at the bed.<br/>
Ethan gave Jay a run down of his injuries and broached the subject that they all wanted to avoid.<br/>
“Jay. I know you probably don’t want to but we need to run some tests. With your permission we would need to do a rape kit. You can be out for it if you would like and we can get a nurse in here if you would prefer.” Choi said calmly, keeping his attention on Jay the whole time, trying to gauge his reaction.<br/>
“Ok” Jay let out softly, dropping his head to look at his hands as they toyed with the blanket covering him.<br/>
That set everything in motion, Ethan nodded at Jay and patted his leg saying he would be back later for the test, before leaving Charles and Will to do the next part alone.</p><p>“Hey Jay? Think you can look over at me?” Charles started.<br/>
When Jay shook his head and his teeth played with his lower lip, Charles looked to Will, trying to decide where to start.<br/>
“Ok, that’s ok. I just asked because I wanted to see how you were doing? And I thought we could have a catch up, it’s been a short while since we last met.”<br/>
Jay didn’t respond.<br/>
“Are you ok?” Will asked, which was received by a look from Charles before they looked over to Jay.<br/>
Who just shrugged.<br/>
“What does that mean? Jay come on, we want to help but we need you to use your words, we’ve already spoken about this.” Charles said, adding a little firmness to his voice, needing Jay to remember the progress they made.<br/>
Jay just continued staring at his lap, so Charles pushed on anyways, “Remember, you’re not going to say the wrong thing here, you’re not going to let anybody down, no matter what you say. And no one is leaving you, we’re all here for you Jay. You just have to let us in.”<br/>
“I - I - don’t - it’s stupid.” Jay croaked out.<br/>
“What is?”<br/>
“Everything. Me. I - it’s my fault.”<br/>
“What - how -” Will got cut off by Dr Charles.<br/>
“Jay, why do you think that?”<br/>
“It just is. If it wasn’t for me Mouse wouldn’t be hurt, Will wouldn’t be sad and we wouldn’t be here, again” Jay said, getting angrier as the sentence went on.<br/>
“Oh Jay. No it’s-”<br/>
Will was again cut off by Charles, this time with a stare and a shake of the head, so Will backed off.<br/>
“True. But I think you don’t truly believe that yourself. You know that this wasn’t anything you could control or even dream of happening. You didn’t want this to happen so this is just a circumstantial set back. You didn’t actively seek it out. It happened, now it is time to move on. You with me?”<br/>
Jay nodded his head and finally looked up at Charles, Will just sat baffled at the way Charles spoke about it all.<br/>
“You want to see Mouse right?”<br/>
Jay nodded again.<br/>
“Ok, there are a few things you should know and some things you need to promise me before we go over there then.”<br/>
“What are they?” Jay said quietly with a small grimace on his face.<br/>
“O you know he was injured. There are wires and things in place to help him so you have to be careful around them, he has a bad head so loud noises and bright lights are out of the question. He is on pain meds through an IV but don’t worry, one look at his record and if my memory serves me right, we gave him non narcotics.”<br/>
Looking from Will to Jay, Charles tries to see if he is still following him and if Will is picking up on the small hints he is passing off.<br/>
“Mouse and myself have spoken about the events and he is really looking forward to seeing you but remember to keep the topics of conversation light, you have both been through something traumatic and need a moment of reprieve.” Will chuckled slightly at that, Jay just smiling barely and shrugging while nodding his head in response.<br/>
“Now, the things I need you to promise me. You need to tell us if something is getting too much for you, ok? You need to tell us if someone goes too far or if you are uncomfortable with anything at any point. This is to make sure you both are doing ok. You have to talk to us, even after today, we all just want the best for you Jay, we want you to get past this.”<br/>
Jay nodded, so Charles asked again “Do you promise?”<br/>
“Ye-yeah, yes, I promise.”</p><p>With that confirmation and following a nod from Charles as he left the room to get Mouse prepared, Will started to detach Jay from all the monitors and wires ready for him to move. Finally able to lean down to give his little brother a proper hug, Will rested his cheek on the top of Jay’s head letting a small tear lose before sniffling and leaning back to take him in.<br/>
“Hey”<br/>
“Hi”<br/>
They both gave each other lopsided smiles, Will noticing that Jay’s is actually almost genuine.<br/>
“You ok little brother?”<br/>
“I will be.”<br/>
Will doesn’t think he would ever be able to describe the feeling he experienced hearing Jay say that. His brother, his stubborn little brother was going to be ok, come hell or high water they were going to fight through this.<br/>
Will had also noticed that since he had woken up about 5 hours ago, Jay was yet to let go of his brother’s hand or arm. He was always touching him and Will didn’t know what to think of that.<br/>
On the one hand he was happy and proud that aside from everything that happened Jay was letting himself have close contact with him, which is vastly different from before.<br/>
On the other, Jay is holding onto him. As in hasn’t let him go since he woke up. Which could be cause for concern but he thinks it may be something to worry about once he has seen Mouse and had more time to talk with Dr Charles.<br/>
For now though, Will was just content with having his little brother back even if that meant having a death grip on his arm and hand. He would just sit until it was time to move, keeping an eye on Jay and holding him when needed.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0029"><h2>29. It's Just Us.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!! </p><p>Hope you all had a lovely Christmas and a fun filled new year (as best as can be - thanks Boris)<br/>I wanted this out earlier but I actually enjoyed being home and didn't even think about getting my laptop out over the 3 days I was home... </p><p>Hope everyone is staying healthy and safe while having fun, the UK's tiers have changed again and I have no idea what's happening with the US but good luck for this new year everyone :')</p><p>any and all issues/mistakes are mine, lemme know what you think.<br/>Love ya - enjoy,<br/>Vx</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was about an hour later when Ethan bounded into the room with a wheelchair in tow. Will and Jay had taken to playing a game of sorts, Jay would fiddle with the blanket and then Will’s fingers and Will would pull him away from fraying the blanket even further and would in turn play with his hand too. It was a weird but wonderful sight, both brothers seemingly lost in their own worlds, holding each other with small smiles on their faces while playing with each other's hands like two year olds.<br/>Ethan couldn't help the smile that crossed his face as he stood taking a mental picture, then slyly an actual picture for the rest of the group.<br/>“Who's ready to go see Mouse?” he asked in a way of greeting.<br/>Jay snapped his head up at the new voice in the room, heart rate spiking before he turned to see it was Ethan. <br/>“You good to go buddy?” Will asked Jay, hoping to calm him a bit.<br/>“Ye- uh yeah. Now?” Jay replied, head tilted towards Will, still holding onto his hand.<br/>“Yeah, you’re all good to go. Mouse is ready to see you. You got to ride in this though, sorry” Ethan said, gesturing to the wheelchair, shrugging.</p><p>After a minute or so, Jay found himself situated in the wheelchair, Will pushing him out of the room and down the hall to Mouse.<br/>Will tried not to let his mind wander to what this reunion would look like, not wanting to have any particular idea regarding either of the boy’s reactions. It could go one of two ways, this could be a downward spiral for the both of them or they could use this shared experience to hold each other up. He hoped that it would be the latter.<br/>Jay had had to let go of Will’s hand so that they could move down the hall and had in turn taken to playing with his own fingers, nails picking at the skin surrounding the nails. He was also in his own head for the duration of the trip down the hall. He knows what he remembered in that basement, he knows they had been in a similar situation before. He knows he killed Sir, and Mouse saw. <br/>He had to help Mouse, he had to get him out. He was good, he didn't deserve to be punished, didn't need the lessons, so he had to get him out.<br/>And he did, they got out. <br/>‘God’ Jay thought ‘I need to see him. Make sure he's ok.’ </p><p>After another five minutes, the two Halsteads arrived outside of room 158, the numbers on the door seemingly glaring at the two.<br/>“You alright Jay?” Will asked, crouching in front of him.<br/>“‘M fine”<br/>“Want to talk before we go in?”<br/>Jay just shook his head.<br/>“Come on bro, talk to me.” Will pushed, lowering his voice a little.<br/>“I - it just - what if he hates me.” Jay rushed out.<br/>“Oh Jay, no. He doesn’t, I promise you. Mouse does not hate you. He has actually been asking to see you and if you’re ok.” Will had raised his hand to squeeze Jays knee, gripping onto him to punctuate his sentences, to make sure that Jay was hearing him.<br/>“So, are you ready to go in and see him?” he raised a brow, tilting his head towards the door to Mouse’s room.<br/>Jay bit his lip, nodding to Will. Before he could stand up to push Jay into the room, however, his hand was taken by Jay, who gripped it before a determined look crossed his face.<br/>“Wanna walk in,” he urged.<br/>Will’s jaw dropped ‘there he is’ he thought ‘there’s my stubborn little brother’.<br/>“Ok, let’s walk in.”</p><p>Getting up on shaky feet, Jay has to take a second to steady himself before he pushes open the door and walks through to Mouse laying on the bed in the middle of the room.</p><p>“Hey Mouse. Look who came to say hi.” Will started, wanting to break any potential ice between them.<br/>“Jay.” Mouse breathed, “you’re ok.”<br/>“Yeah, buddy. I’m ok.” Jay stuttered out. </p><p>Will could sense the need to be alone oozing from each of them and so not so subtly tells them “ok, so I’m going to give you guys some time. I’ll be back in an hour but if you need me or someone before then, press the button or shout for us. Promise me guys.”<br/>He received a head nod from each of them before he turned to walk out the door, pulling the curtain and door shut behind him as he left.</p><p>Both men found themselves to be in silence for the first ten minutes or so, neither knowing what to say to the other, just busy trying to look the other over before they could notice.</p><p>‘Mouse looks like shit’ was all Jay could think when looking his best friend over. <br/>His chest may as well have been just one bruise, with little red patches covered in bandages. His ribs were wrapped, Jay knew that meant broken ribs, just like how he knew that the red patches were taser burns. <br/>Jay looked down, edging closer to the bed while still sitting in the chair, he took a breath before slowly moving his hand out to hold onto one of Mouse’s. That’s when he notices the bandages covering his wrists, also knowing what they were for and quickly pulls his hand away.<br/>Mouse notices this.<br/>“It’s ok, Jay, I’m ok.” Mouse tried.<br/>Jay just shook his head, brows furrowing.</p><p>‘This is my fault. All my fault’<br/>‘Mouse wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me’<br/>‘Stupid. Here again. Stupid’<br/>‘Got Mouse hurt. Again.’<br/>‘All my fault’</p><p>“Jay I can practically hear you thinking. Talk to me. Please.” Mouse all but begged. “Jay come on. Look at me? Talk to me, come on man.”<br/>A broken sob made its way out of Jay’s mouth, “I’m sorry!”<br/>“Why? You didn't do this. This isn’t on you Jay. I’m telling you, this isn’t your fault.”<br/>Mouse reached out, trying to get a hold of Jay’s hand, unsuccessfully he might add.<br/>Sighing he watched Jay pull his hand closer to himself, “Please don’t pull away from me Jay. I don't think I can handle that again” he found himself saying, through tears of his own.<br/>Jay looked down at his lap, pulling his lower lip in between his teeth, and shook his head.<br/>“What’s going on in that head of yours? Huh? Please, please Jay, please talk to me. Please don’t pull away from me again. Please don’t shut down on me again. I need you, ok. I need you right now, so, please do go.” Mouse was starting to get worked up now. Monitors were starting to pick up on his distress and were sending out little warning signals. His breathing was picking up and he was starting to try and get out of bed to be closer to Jay.<br/>Jay saw all this happening, fear on his face.<br/>He heard the monitors, his friends breathing and his cries.<br/>He heard the door open and saw the flash of red hair.<br/>Will was here. ‘He can help. Will can fix it’ Jay thought.</p><p>“Hey guys, what’s going on? Mouse I’m gonna need you to lie back and try to calm down for a minute ok?” Will started with, quietly shooing other personnel out of the room.<br/>“Jay? Hey, bro? I need your help here.” Will said, turning his attention to his brother. Jay shook his head while shrugging “I-i um how?” he tried.<br/>“It’s Mouse. It’s Greg, your best friend. Ok? I don’t know what you both went through but I know he needs you and I think you’re the only one who can help right now. So please come on Jay!” Will urged his brother, trying to sound as gentle as he can while also needing to be forceful with him.<br/>Hearing his brother's tone, Jay snapped back to reality and calmed significantly. Turning to face Mouse he pushed his panic down and stood on shaky legs to get to his bedside.</p><p>“Hey Greg? I’m sorry. Ok. It’s ok, you’re in Chicago. We’re in Chicago, alright, we’re at med with Will. It’s just us. I’m not going anywhere alright?”<br/>Jay was gripping Mouse’s hand with one of his own, the other reaching up to hold the side of his head. Their eyes locked.<br/>“Remember. We promised each other. Till the end. I got you brother, and I'm not leaving you. You didn’t leave me and I’m not leaving you.” he pushed.<br/>Mouse seemed to come back to them, calming his breathing and just staring at Jay. A small smile brushed over his lips, a cheeky laugh surrounded Mouse’s words of “There he is.”<br/>Jay just raised an eyebrow at this, but decided not to ask, just smiling back at Mouse whispering a quiet “yeah.” <br/>Will looked on in awe, he knew they were close but seeing how quickly Jay pulled Mouse out if his panic was telling. <br/>Jay had been through something traumatic, multiple times, to his knowledge. Mouse was there to help him though it every time he knew of. <br/>This time was no different, Jay had been taken, tortured, manipulated and raped. They got him back, they tried to pull him back to them, let him know he was safe. And then he was taken again, and Mouse somehow managed to go with them, and they went through it together. Now it was Jay's turn to help pull Mouse back, to not let him slip. And that might just be the saving grace they needed for him.<br/>Will knew that his brother wore his heart on his sleeve and protected someone to no end. Over the years he had come to learn that Mouse was the same. They would fight each other, they would fight with each other and they would fight for eachother. Often fighting for the other when they couldn't do it themselves. This would be another one of those times.</p><p>“You guys ok?” Will asked, hating to break the comfortable silence the boys had fallen into.<br/>“Yeah, we’re good,” Mouse replied, not looking away from Jay, who just nodded in response.<br/>Will couldn’t help smiling at this, <br/>“Want me to give you some space?”<br/>“Stay.” Jay whispered. <br/>“Ok buddy, ok.”</p><p>Will made his way over to the two boys on the hospital bed, Mouse laying back trying to shuffle along for Jay, who moved from sitting facing him to trying to edge onto the bed. Will came and sat in Jay’s spot on the side, holding one of Jay’s hands, the other holding onto one of Mouse’s. He smiled down at the two, seeing them lying side by side, as best as they can with their injuries and the single hospital bed, drifting off to sleep. Will didn’t have the heart to try and move them so sent a quick text off to Ethan letting him know where Jay was and that he planned to keep him here, see how well he slept with Mouse grounding him beside him, while also keeping an eye out for Mouse.<br/>He gently removed his hand from Jay’s and settled into the chair next to the bed keeping an eye on his boys but feeling the effects of the day pull him into a restful sleep.</p><p>He is woken up about two hours later by a cry coming from the bed.<br/>‘Jay!’ he thinks in a panic, momentarily forgetting where they are. <br/>Quickly jumping up out of the seat and turning toward the bed, Will sees both the boys with their brows scrunched and jaws tight. Both seemingly fighting something only they can see.<br/>Will doesn’t know what to do. Waking Jay from a nightmare was tough enough alone, never mind adding having to wake Mouse also, all while trying not to freak the other out.<br/>‘Ok. breathe will. You’re no help if you start to panic too.’<br/>Taking a deep breath Will steps toward Jay first, he seemed to be having a worse time with it. <br/>“Jay? Hey kiddo, you got to wake up, alright? You’re ok. It’s just a bad dream.” Will tried, rugging a comforting hand up and down his arm, “It’s Will, come on Jay. You’re ok.”</p><p>It seemed to be working, the tension seemed to slowly be leaving Jay’s face, Mouse also seemed to be calming with him. <br/>Will went to sit back down as Jay looked to be through the worst of it, until Jay let out a broken yell, one hand flinging out to grab Will’s, the other to hold onto Mouse. <br/>Mouse flinched in his sleep at the contact, but turned into Jay, resting a hand on his chest and his head on Jay’s.<br/>Will watched on in shock as Jay immediately calmed. He didn’t ever think it would be that easy to calm him down, especially now. <br/>Mouse cracked open an eye, looking to Jay and himself curled into each other then over to Will. Will noticed the set of eyes now watching him from the bed, and looked over to Mouse from watching Jay’s chest rise and fall. They smiled and nodded at each other before each resting back into sleep. A silent agreement and understanding shared between the two.</p><p>‘No one is leaving anyone’</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0030"><h2>30. Leaving the Hospital (Again)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>HI <br/>I am SO SORRY this chapter is so late and I if I had a good excuse other than 0 motivation for writing, uni work or life then I would share it but unfortunately that's the truth of it.<br/>so to say sorry here's a hopefully longer(ish) kinda good chapter?<br/>as always all of the mistakes and shite is mine,<br/>please lemme know what you think - your comments and kudos really do mean the world to me and that's what dragged me back to finish this chapter (thank you &lt;3) </p><p>but yeah - here it is - enjoy - lemme know what you think (as always I have no idea where I'm going with this)<br/>love y'all,<br/>Vx xoxo</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>1 Week.<br/>That’s how long the boys had been in the hospital for.<br/>1 long draining but much needed week.</p><p>After the little moment together, Will requested that the boys be put into a room together, to ensure that they didn’t sneak off trying to see the other before they were ready to be up and about but also so that they could calm each other down when their nightmares got too much for them.<br/>Jay had surprisingly, or not if you’re Will or Mouse, bounced back relatively quickly, pretending that everything was ok again and that he was fine. Will and Mouse saw through the mask, others bought it and so a week later the boys were discharged following instructions that they are to relax at home and Will is to stay with them in case either of them need anything.</p><p>Leaving the hospital had been relatively uneventful, short goodbyes were shared with the nurses who had to fight with the boys daily about their limits and pain meds, scripts were filled and Will was ushering the boys out of the doors to the car.<br/>The journey home was silent, Mouse and Jay in the back of the car; each looking out of their retrospective windows; Will driving, thinking over what was going to happen once they were back home.<br/>They pull up to the shared apartment and enter without any fallouts, Jay heading straight for the bathroom, Mouse on the couch, leaving Will to lock the front door and awkwardly head for a glass of water from the kitchen. Heading back into the living room, Will watches Mouse. Watches as he sits quietly with the tv turned on, some programme he knows he isn’t even pretending to be paying attention to, while he waits for Jay.<br/>They both sit waiting for Jay to reemerge but they hear the bathroom door open and the bedroom door close, signaling he wants to be left alone for now.<br/>Sighing, Will placed his now empty glass down on the coffee table and turned to catch Mouse’s attention.</p><p>“You ok there bud?” he asked gently.<br/>“Huh? Oh yeah, yeah I’m fine.” Mouse quickly replied.<br/>“You can tell me if you’re not, you know that right?” to which Mouse just nodded, looking at the floor.</p><p>After a tentative few minutes Mouse sniffled, and wiped a hand across his face, catching the few rebel tears.<br/>“I’m not. I’m sorry.” he let out with a huff.<br/>“You don’t have to apologise, alright, never. What’s up? Please talk to me Mouse?”<br/>“I just - I’m worried about him,” he sighed, “what we went through, back in Afghanistan nearly killed him. Then this? He was going to shoot me Will. In that basement, Taylor was going to make him shoot me, and he nearly did, but then he came back. He pulled himself back. But it just made me think about Afghanistan. And I know it’s made him think about that time too. We gotta keep a closer eye on him, I don’t know if he can take it again.” Mouse finished his speech, running his hand over his face again, in frustration and worry. Will just looked on in silence, not knowing what to say and not wanting to say the wrong thing he just reaches a hand over to rest on Mouse’s knee, squeezing meaningfully. </p><p>They stand in sync and with a look shared they head towards the bedroom, where Will knows the mattresses are still together on the floor. Knocking twice, they slowly open the door, hearts dropping when they do.<br/>Stepping into the room, the two men are greeted with the sight of Jay huddled in a ball in the far corner of the room, blanket pulled tight around his shivering body, face blank staring at the wall.<br/>“Jay?” Will started, and got no response.<br/>“Hey, bud? Jay? Can we come closer?” Mouse tried.<br/>Jay didn’t respond, didn’t move, didn’t react. Will and Mouse didn’t know what to do. Will felt like crying, seeing his little brother back to square one, making himself look smaller and younger beyond his years. Mouse was angry, worried but angry, he was glad that Taylor was dead otherwise Mouse was going to kill him himself - slowly and painfully. But he knew he couldn’t voice this thought, couldn’t bring it up before Jay did. Boundaries and let him lead by example, they both remembered Dr Charles saying.<br/>They both met eyes, a shared thought passed between them as they took a cautious step forward toward Jay.<br/>“Jay? It’s Will and Mouse. We’re just going to come closer, alright? We won’t touch you until you say it’s ok but we just want to make sure you’re alright.” Will said again, putting an edge to his voice to make Jay try and to hear him. <br/>Thankfully and finally, Jay blinked roughly and looked over at the other two men.<br/>“Will?” Jay croaked out, throat dry.<br/>“Yeah kiddo, it’s me.” Will replied with a reassuring smile on his face. He watched as Jay seemed to relax for a second before shooting a hand out to grab onto his arm, grabbing his attention, fear and panic coating his features.<br/>“Mouse!” he called out suddenly, voice still hoarse and quiet but louder than before.<br/>“Hey, he’s ok. It’s ok, Mouse is right here. Jay, you’re alright, he’s alright, calm down. It’s ok, he’s here.” Will repeated, until Jay finally took a calmer breath.</p><p>Mouse felt like now was an appropriate time to step forward and make his presence known, hoping to further calm his friend.<br/>“Hey bud” was all he could manage to say. A small smile on his face as he crouched near Jay, not touching until he was given the go ahead. <br/>Jay slowly reached a hand out to hold onto Mouse’s arm. Mouse could sense the fear, knew what he was thinking as if it were his own thoughts, and resting a hand on top of Jay’s he whispered calming words to him.<br/>“It’s ok. We’re ok, Jay. We’re not going anywhere. Alright bud, we’re right here.” <br/>Will looked on, as has become a norm, and saw the way his little brother and Mouse were connected, in more ways than the one. <br/>“How about we head to bed? We’ll all be in here, like before, yeah?” Will offered, receiving a nod from Jay and Mouse.<br/>Will and Mouse headed to change while Jay did the same in his room alone, where he stood and looked at himself in the full length mirror at the side of the door.</p><p>He looked himself up and down. What was once a strong and muscular form was now a gaunt, bruised and scarred being staring back at him. He knew he had scars, both self inflicted and war/work related and so never thought much of them. He believed that each scar carried a story of its own. The one on his shoulder from his undercover op at Mollys. Scars on his back, slight scarring on his wrists and lower neck from his time overseas. The ones on his chest and abdomen from his time with Keyes a couple years back. The ones on his upper arm and thighs are self inflicted - each one for someone he couldn’t save or someone he let down. Mouse and Will were written on the inside of his upper arm, there to help him remember this was real and to remember who he was. <br/>Looking up at his face he noticed that his eyes looked hollow, his hair was messy - it had been ignored in favour of other issues and was past needing to be cut now, maybe he could ask Will or Mouse to do it tomorrow. His stubble was growing through from his hospital stay and honestly he didn’t care all that much about it.</p><p>He could feel himself growing more anxious and panicked the longer he looked in the mirror, so he ran his hands over the names on his arm and quickly turned his back and grabbed the sweats and jumper laying on the bed frame. As soon as he was dressed he headed out to the lounge to see Will and Mouse in there, each holding a glass of water each, with one on the table for Jay to have with before or to take to bed.<br/>He walked over and sat in between the two on the couch, placed a hand on each of their knees and leant back to rest against the cushions.</p><p>“You ok?” Will asked, looking over to him. Jay just nodded in response, whispering a soft “yeah”. Will and Mouse looked at each other over his head but brushed it off, they could wait another day for this discussion.<br/>“Want a drink? Here, I can pass you this water?” Mouse offered.<br/>Jay blanched and quickly shook his head, “no, no thank you.”<br/>Will was still confused but Mouse seemed to be piecing it together.<br/>“Jay, bud. You have to drink, you need to get some fluids in you.”<br/>Jay just shook his head again, pushing further back into the couch.<br/>“Jay, come on. You’re not in the hospital anymore getting fluid through an iv so you need to drink something. Just let me know what and I’ll get it for you but you have to get some fluids in you, if you don’t you’ll pass out from dehydration and have to go back to Med.” Will tried, thinking the threat of going back to the hospital would shake him into letting himself have the basic human necessities. He reached forward, hoping that Jay would listen and take a drink if he handed it to him.</p><p>Will should have looked over at Mouse.</p><p>While this was going on, Mouse was replaying all of the memories from the past few months. Jay being drugged and not wanting to drink anything the first time round, Jay being taken again and being drugged again. Mouse watched Taylor hand Jay bottles of water - which now come to think of it was how he was keeping Jay so docile as he probably laced the drink with the drug. Making Jay drug himself, keep himself down - almost like a choice… ‘what a fucking sick power play’ Mouse thought.</p><p>Will should have looked over at Mouse.</p><p>In a flash the glass went from Will’s hand to flying across the room and smashing against the wall over from them.<br/>“Don’t make me. Please! I’m sorry! Just, don’t make me!” Jay cried out.<br/>“Woah.” Will yelled, stunned, “Woah. Hey? What was that? What’s wrong?”<br/>“Just don’t make me drink it. I didn’t do anything wrong?” Jay said, voice quieter with a slight wobble to it, his tone making his last phrase a question. Which broke Will’s heart. His little brother thought he was forcing him to do something because he had done something wrong. How shit did he feel.<br/>Mouse on the other hand had yet to snap out of his state of shock. It wasn’t until Will literally called his name and gestured to Jay, curled in between them on the couch still, head between his knees - protective/defensive, he noticed - did he come to and try his hand in the situation.<br/>“Jay? Hey, it’s ok. You didn’t do anything wrong, please look at us?” he tried, tone and voice low and soft.<br/>“Jay. I’m sorry.” Will blurted out. Which made Jay look up and over to him, face a picture of confusion and trepidation. He tilted his head to the side, questioning.<br/>“I’m sorry,” Will continued, “you said no and I pushed. I shouldn’t have pushed. We’ve discussed boundaries before, discussed limits and I pushed you and yours. So, I’m sorry. I’m just worried about you.”<br/>“Don’t be.” Jay whispered.<br/>Will chuckled, “I’m your big brother and a doctor, it's literally my job to worry about you.”<br/>This made Mouse snort in laughter and a small smile to raise on Jay’s face also.<br/>“I know you probably don’t want to talk about it but what was that? I’m asking so I don’t do the same - push you - again.” Will asked, bending his head to meet Jay’s eyes.<br/>When Jay didn’t answer and the silence stretched on for over a minute, Mouse squeezed Jay’s shoulder, hoping to gain his attention.<br/>“I think I might have an idea? Stop me if I’m wrong?” he asked as a way of seeking permission to both speak but also for him to know Jay understood him. Jay nodded, holding onto both Will’s and Mouse’s hands, squeezing periodically.</p><p>Taking a breath, Mouse started his theory. <br/>“So, I’m thinking, you don’t want to drink anything because you’re finding it hard to trust us right now? Am I close?”<br/>Jay shrugged.<br/>“Ok. When you were with Taylor, I’m assuming you got rewards alongside punishments, right?”<br/>A nod.<br/>“And from past experiences, I know that it takes a lot to keep you down Sarge” he couldn’t help himself with that slip of the tongue but oh well, too late now, “so what I’m thinking is he used that drug that we found in your tox screens to keep you mellow, and when he saw you starting to ‘wake up’ for lack of a better term, he came in with a promise of water for being good and doing what you were told. And from what we have learnt about this drug is that it makes people susceptible to ideas and can alter memories. He kept you drugged, kept you hydrated but you figured it out.”<br/>He looked at Jay’s face, hoping he was ok for him to keep going, and so squeezing his hand in questioning, Jay responded with a small nod and a squeeze back.<br/>“That’s why you kept apologising to me in that basement, why you took the glass instead of me getting a ‘lesson in manners’. He used it as a bargaining tool. Used it as a way to make you seek out for it for the pain to stop, but then you weren’t in control.”<br/>He looked over at Will, sighing and shaking his head “you aren’t drinking because you don’t trust us.” he finished.</p><p>Jay sniffled and squeezed the hands tighter “not you. Never you. I always trust you. I just - my head - and I panic and - and…” he couldn't finish, finding himself falling into sobbing once more, hearing his brother and best friend ask him if they could hold him, which made him cry all the more, but following a tiny nod and tug on each of the hands in his, he found himself engulfed in this huddle of warmth and security which made him feel more safe than he ever had in quite some time.</p><p>Will kissed the top of Jay’s head as he gently asked “what can we do to help? How can we get this brain of yours to shush so you can get some water in you?”<br/>Jay just shrugged and said “tomorrow” which seemed to be final.<br/>“Ok then, how about bed then we can figure this out in the morning? Sound good?” Will said, pulling away to look at both Jay and Mouse, hoping for an answer from the both of them. When he received identical looks of wide shiny eyes and a small nod, with a small yawn from Mouse which Jay almost cooed at, Will stood up, grabbing a hold of both of Mouse’s hands to pull him up before they both turned to Jay, grabbing a hand each and pulling till he was upright between them and they headed off to the bedroom. </p><p>The three glasses in the living room were forgotten. </p><p>‘Tomorrow. Bring on tomorrow…’</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0031"><h2>31. Baby Steps</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello hello.</p><p>Hope you are all okay, keeping well?<br/>This is longer than usual but I honestly had no idea where to cut it so because I wanted to keep this step in one chapter. I can't tell if I'm moving too slowly and repeating things but also don't want to rush anything and for him to suddenly be okay again? if that makes sense. Please let me know if yous have ANY ideas as to what I should do.<br/>any and all mistakes are mine,<br/>Enjoy and lemme know what you think,<br/>Vx</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Morning came sooner than anticipated, the three men were back in their positions on the floor; Jay in the middle, Mouse on his left and Will on his right. At some point during the night Mouse had started to get antsy, shifting about in his sleep but calmed down when Jay rolled over and rested his head on his chest, his arm slung across him, drawing him closer. Will awoke when he felt Jay move away from him and watched as Mouse jerked about before settling when Jay encased him in a hug. He let a small smile come across his face as he lay back down, falling back asleep.</p><p>A couple hours later Jay’s shuffling woke Mouse and Will up, a small groan and a flinch had them sitting up over him and each rested a hand on his chest.<br/>“Jay, you’re ok, it’s time to wake up though buddy.” Mouse started, receiving a groan for his efforts as Jay flinched again.<br/>“Jay? Come on bro. Wake up, you’re alright.” Will tried, running a hand through Jay’s hair.<br/>After a minute or so of coaxing, Jay finally woke up. Calmly. Blinking his eyes and pulling a hand free to rub over his face, Jay mumbles out a morning while letting a small smile cover his face.<br/>The boys went about their morning routine of laughing and stretching before heading to the kitchen to sort some breakfast. <br/>They all moved about, falling into sync with what the others were doing, everything being done in perfect motion and harmony.<br/>Until it got to the point of deciding what they were going to drink. Mouse pulled out three glasses and placed them on the counter.<br/>“Today?” he said, turning to Jay with a raised brow. He saw the way Jay paused, and started to slightly shake, but watched as he calmed the moment Will placed a hand on his shoulder.<br/>“Come on bro. You got this. Baby steps remember?” Will said leading Jay closer to the empty cups on the counter.<br/>Jay just started to shake his head, trying to pull away, “um what about later?” he tried.<br/>“Jay you need to have something to drink.” Mouse pushed, but Jay just stepped back looking towards the coffee pot and smirked; tilting his head toward it and smirking, “Coffee?” <br/>Will laughed at that “really Jay?” Jay kept smirking while shrugging his shoulders, “baby steps, remember.” he used Will’s own words against him while trying not to laugh.<br/>See, to Jay, coffee felt safer than a drink of water from the jug in the fridge, because he could watch the coffee brew, he knew it would be new and coffee hadn’t been used against him. So in Jay’s mind, the coffee felt safe, it felt clean. Mouse just chuckled at him, “wow, I’m surprised the withdrawal didn’t kick in from coffee weeks ago!”<br/>Jay just shrugged, and pouted in Will’s direction, who just huffed and sighed out “baby steps, yeah yeah.” while reaching out for a mug to pour the fresh coffee in.</p><p>After a few hours of joking and messing around, within their limits, Will felt a warmth spread through his chest watching Jay be more like his old self, he felt as though he was getting his little brother back, finally.<br/>Until Mouse tried broaching the topic of water again with him, “later yet?”<br/>Jay flinched but sighed, knowing he needed to work through this, and where better than with his brother and best friend? <br/>“Um what - uh - do I need to do? Like - how do I - ?” he stuttered, not really knowing how or what he was supposed to do to get past this fear he had.<br/>Will and Mouse shared a look, both shrugging, not really knowing the answer either.<br/>“How about we try to figure out what it is that freaks you out and when you start to panic?” Will suggested.<br/>“Yeah but I don’t know when that is. How is this supposed to work if I don’t even know.” Jay huffed, annoyed.<br/>“Well, I mean, the past few times you've kind of just freaked when you saw the water or when one of us pushed you to drink.” Will offered up.<br/>Mouse looked over to Jay, who looked just about done before they had even begun, they needed to figure this out before he lost all hope.<br/>“Jay, how did Taylor give you the water?” he tried, hoping this line of questioning would get them somewhere.<br/>“I don’t rememb- what do you mean?” <br/>“I know Taylor was giving you water to drink, I know it was laced - as you do now. But I meant - I watched him give you it in a glass, but in a photo we have that he sent us, there's the top of a bottle and a straw. Did you ever see him pour the drink?”<br/>“No, it was just always there?” Jay started, shaking his head. “WAIT. There are pictures, what? When? What? Who saw?” Jay realised, suddenly panicked.<br/>Will and Mouse picked up on Jay’s growing panic and knew they needed to stop it before he spiraled, so with Will holding onto one of his shoulders, the other hand holding his hand, Mouse kept speaking to him, as to not over stimulate him with different voices. <br/>“Hey, Jay. It’s ok, there were four photos” Jay tried pulling away but Will’s hands kept him in place, “Jay hey no. Listen. There were four photos, for now that’s all you need to know. Baby steps, remember. We gotta sort this first then we’ll come back to that. Okay? Remember training - one problem at a time, finish what you started before moving on.” Jay took a deep breath as he looked at Mouse, fear and panic still on his face but slowly coming back to calm down, nodding his ok to continue. <br/>Mouse took this signal “ok, so you never saw him prepare the drink? Bottle was always open, glass always pre filled?”<br/>“Yeah.” he agreed, remember often having a drink but never having to put much effort into opening the bottle - if it ever had a lid.<br/>“Ok. that’s something we can maybe work with” Mouse said, shrugging his shoulders with a small smile on his face.<br/>“How?” Jay scoffed.<br/>“Did Taylor ever drink with you? Or share your drink?” Will jumped in.<br/>“No, I got it for being good. Si - Taylor gave me it when I had been good, he just sat there and watched.” he found himself correcting himself - unprompted - when talking about Taylor. The man was not someone who deserved the title of ‘Sir’ nor did he own him. Will and Mouse noticed this correction also, but said nothing as to not distract or divert Jay while he was making these decisions on his own.<br/>The room was silent for a moment as the three men tried to figure out where to go from here. Jay just sighed and drew into himself, pulling his knees to his chest as he leant against Will on the back of the couch, Will and Mouse shared a look. <br/>“This is pointless. I can’t figure it out, it’s just stupid. I’m stupid and I can’t -”<br/>“Hey! No. None of that. Come on, we are getting somewhere.” Will cut him off, it hurt him to hear his little brother, his once so confident and self assured brother, speak about himself like that.<br/>Jay just scoffed, a noise a kin to a sarcastic laugh coming to the surface also.<br/>“No. I’m right. We are getting somewhere, you’re getting somewhere! Three weeks ago you would barely look at me, would barely talk or let anyone touch you.” he felt Jay shift, becoming uncomfortable, thinking he was in trouble he curled further into himself, “Jay, it’s ok, I’m not mad. I’m just trying to get you to see how far you’ve come in a short space of time. I mean look at yourself, yeah you’re curled up but you’re speaking in full sentences, you’re smiling, joking, leaning on me. You’re actually letting me hold you, letting yourself be touched, be held, comforted. These are all big things Jay. And I know you feel scared sometimes, and that’s alright, you have new coping mechanisms, and that’s alright, good almost. But you’re actually letting us in, letting us help. I understand and sympathise with you because I love you, and you’re my baby brother, but it's because I love you and because I’m your big brother that I’m going to keep worrying, keep pushing because I know you can do this. You have so much fight left in you, come on Jay. Just a few more baby steps then you’re running!” Will all but declared, having to restrain himself from shaking his brother to shake the sense into him, all while trying to stop the tears that he knew were running down his face.<br/>Jay stared at Will throughout his whole speech, he had slowly uncurled and held onto - squeezed - his hands before smiling slightly and reaching out to rub a tear off of Will’s cheek, cupping his face with that hand and letting the smile grow when he saw Will smiling back at him.<br/>“Okay” Jay whispered, strained, holding back tears of his own, “so what do you suggest then?”<br/>Will and Mouse shared a smile over Jays head before patting his shoulder and smiling at him. Mouse leant forward and grabbed his hand, “I might have an idea,” he said as he pulled to lift him up off the couch “follow me.”<br/>Jay felt himself and watched the back of Mouse’s head as he was being pulled toward the kitchen, Will chuckling and following behind them. He deposited Jay by the tap in the middle of the counter before grabbing a glass out of the cupboard to his left. <br/>“Ok so, we’re going to start slow. Me and Will are going to use the tap and then drink it. Then you’re going to do the same. Sound good?” he asked, turning to face Will hoping he picks up on the subtle hints.<br/>Jay just nods and watches as Mouse fills a glass and takes a few sips from it, before going to sit on the counter top watching what happens next. Will does the same and takes a few sips, stepping away to give Jay some space, as to not crowd him.<br/>“This seems silly.” Jay says, for some reason his head is trying to stall. He knew in his heart that the water from the tap was clean and fine but some part of him was telling him to wait to see if the other two had any side effects. <br/>“It’s ok. If it helps, who cares if it’s silly?” Mouse replied, knowing he was stalling and needing to give a little push, to let him know he’s ok.<br/>“I just - ugh” Jay scoffs, shaking his head at himself.<br/>“Hey, take your time.” Will said with a shrug, he watched as Jay ran the tap then looked between himself and Mouse. He knew Jay was scrutinising them, waiting to see something different, anything to show him that it was or wasn’t safe.<br/>“We’re alright, you’re alright” he finished, hoping his support came through his tone.</p><p>Jay took in a big breath and slowly blew it out, shaking his head at himself and grabbed the glass with a shaking hand. <br/>“It’s ok. They’re ok, it's just water” he whispered to himself under his breath.<br/>Filling his glass halfway, and trying not to see the irony in that, he turned around to lean against the counter. <br/>“Can you not watch?” Jay said, with a shake to his voice. He was starting to feel panicked as he felt more and more pressure being put on him to drink from the cup, especially with them hovering and watching. <br/>“What’s wrong Jay? Talk to us, come on.”<br/>“Bro? Remember, you gotta talk to us, we can help.”<br/>“I just. I know it’s ok and I know I’m not there but with you sitting there and you watching me and telling me to drink it just - ugh - I don’t know - I just feel like I'm back there and like I have to drink.” he stumbled over his words as he tried to explain where his head was at.<br/>“Don’t take this the wrong way but you do have to drink it. Not as a reward or as a punishment, but because you need to do this for yourself. Taking these steps now, to pour a glass of water and to have one of us do it is a step you have to take so that you yourself can feel normal and like yourself again. It may not feel like it but by doing this you are regaining that control that he took from you, you need to drink because otherwise you’ll be ill and you need to drink because you want to get better.” Will tried explaining, “I love you Jay and you know that I would never tell you to do something if I didn’t think it would be good for you.” <br/>Jay stared at his brother, listening intently, needing to be able to understand and take in everything he says. Will can see him still struggling and so decides to take the attention off of him and starts to talk about something silly Nat had told him Owen had done, which reminded him of Jay as a kid, Mouse laughing at the story. Jay knows he can trust him and so looking into his eyes and taking another breath, without thinking too much he raises the glass to his lips and takes a few sips as he talks. A moment later he finishes the glass and places it beside the sink.<br/>He sees smiles on the other two faces looking back at him and realises what he had done. A smile broke his confused face as he turned back to the now empty glass on the counter and back to the boys with a laugh.<br/>“Oh my god.” he cried out with a laugh.<br/>“See...” Will said with a knowing smirk.</p><p>They repeated the process a few times, intermittently, over the rest of the day, knowing they would need to try having someone else pour the drink for him. But decided to leave that till they could get him to have some dinner alongside it. They could see how draining it was for Jay to keep his walls up and stay present, Will could see how drained Mouse was getting trying to help keep Jay in the here and now while also trying not to fall into his own memories and fears.<br/>They had decided to put on some ‘New Girl’ knowing they needed the small reprieve from anything heavy and appreciated the inside jokes the show brought forward.<br/>After watching for an hour or so they headed to the kitchen again as a unit and moved in sync with each other and the music as they made some easy pasta and sauce.<br/>They set the table and Will placed glasses of water in front of each setting, then they all sat and started to plate up. They didn't tell Jay that they would be going to be trying the second part of the days task, and so just sat normally and started to eat, trying to get the conversation to flow.<br/>Jay sat with Will and Mouse, who were eating but he couldn’t take his eyes off of the glass of water on the table in front of him. His hands were shaking, his fingers picking away at each other under the table, his breathing had also gotten shallow. Mouse and Will had picked up on this but knew they needed to let him push through on his own, and so remembering what worked the last time, Mouse started to tell a story from their time at basic’s aiming to get Will to laugh to break the tension. Which he did, hearing about how his at times anxious little brother messed around and was all cocky and big man on campus when with Mouse in their first few months of training. Jay would periodically lift his head and chuckle, trying to calm himself down. He watched Will take a drink and Mouse do the same, he knew he could do it, he just had to breathe. <br/>He reached for his glass with a shaky hand whispering under his breath as he went.<br/>“It’s ok, Will poured it for each of us. Mouse has drank. It's ok.”<br/>He looked up at his glass, took a deep breath and held it, before his throat closed.<br/>Will picked up on this and with a slight panic he called out, “Jay. You’re ok. How can we help?” Jay just shrugged and tried to keep breathing.<br/>“Would you feel better if we swapped? You’ve seen me drink, I’m ok. We can swap drinks or I can have a sip of yours first. Think of me like the medieval taste tester person thing.” he said with a laugh, which helped as Jay let out a startled chuckle.<br/>“No, I’m ok. I have to be able to do this.” he said, voice low and harsh. And with that Halstead stubbornness and determination he tries to get the conversation going again and turns to Will asking “any new gossip from Med?”, thankfully Will picks up on what Jay is trying to do and so dives into all the stories he has been updated on from the gang at work. <br/>Jay isn’t listening to begin with, too busy focusing on getting himself to take a drink. Which he does, slowly. He manages to pull himself out of his head and back to the table and catches Mouse’s eye as he nods, communicating that he is alright.<br/>By the end of dinner, everyone’s plates and glasses are empty, stomachs and hearts full. They noticed but decided not to point out the fact that Jay finished his water and food, instead going about tidying up and heading to relax for the evening, this time forgoing the film and deciding to play a few card games before settling down for the night.</p><p>As they lay on the mattresses on the floor, Jay again in the middle, each of their hearts full and warm, cheeks and abs hurting slightly from laughing with each other, Jay reflected on the many differing emotions of the day, but the most prominent one he is feeling being pride and joy, with himself and with the two boys at his sides. He knew he wouldn’t be anywhere near where he was right now if it wasn’t for them, maybe he wouldn’t be here at all. Will rolled over and ruffled his hair, whispering in his ear “shh, I can practically hear you thinking. You did good today, I’m so proud of you, I love you now please tell that brain of yours to shush so we can get some sleep.”<br/>Jay chuckled slightly at this, nodding and whispering back “yeah, okay. Love you too bro.”<br/>Mouse rolled over and rested his head on Jay’s chest, ear over his heartbeat, calming him also, “yeah, what Will said. Proud of you bud, now please - sleep time, shush.” he mumbled out, absolutely fighting the pull of sleep to let Jay know he is proud too.<br/>The Halstead’s laughed at Mouse, Jay leaning his head down to kiss the crown of his head as Will leant over to ruffle his hair also.</p><p>“Night guys, love you.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0032"><h2>32. Happens Every Damn Time.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>heyyyyyy,</p><p>Sorry this took so long! *excuses excuses* but as always I don't know what on earth this is!<br/>I just wanna quickly thank Jayjayjay555 (? I think that's right?) for their comment, it really kicked my arse into gear to finish this chapter.<br/>Not as long as the last but had to finish it there otherwise it would never be out...<br/>As always any and all mistakes are mine,<br/>please lemme know what you think, <br/>Enjoy,<br/>Vx</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>That's how it went, for about a week or so; Jay would have his moments obviously, his setbacks but they got through the week relatively unscathed. Jay drank when he poured his own drink and he drank when Will or Mouse poured him a drink. Sometimes they would have to shuffle the glasses around or swap if he was having an off day but there had only been one particularly rough day since this step began.</p><p>/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\</p><p>It was a rough start to the day. Jay had been up most of the night, not able to sleep memories invading his dreams. Mouse had initially followed him into the living room as he put on the first documentary of the night. Then he went back to bed and traded places with Will when he wasn’t able to get through to him. Will sat through documentary three and half of four with Jay, in silence, before Mouse made a reappearance. The three watched the second half of four and then fell asleep beside Jay for documentary five and day breaking for number six.<br/>If asked, Will or Mouse wouldn’t be able to tell anyone a single thing which they had learnt or what any of the films were about. But Jay, silent as he was, if asked a question this day would reply with either silence or a random obscure fact he had taken in.<br/>Jay liked to watch documentaries when he couldn't sleep because the basis of this genre is that they are based in fact. When everything in his head gets too loud or things don’t seem right or real, he watches documentaries to help ground him and remind himself of what is real in the hopes that he can make the distinction in his own mind. He hadn’t watched that many in one sitting in a while, so he knew it wasn’t going to be a good day. <br/>It was nearing mid afternoon and he had yet to utter a single word, just sitting on the couch with a blank stare. Will and Mouse had shared many concerned glances but after conferring with Dr Charles, this was going to be normal, they had been pushing him so it was bound to happen at some point. They knew they would need to try to get him to move or react to them at some point but didn’t have it in their hearts to see another breakdown. <br/>Mouse came out of the bedroom, fresh from a shower to see Jay in the same position he had found him in many hours ago in the very early morning.<br/>“Has he moved yet?” he asks Will, placing a hand on the shoulder of the worried brother.<br/>“Nah, can barely get him to answer me, he just keeps staring, shaking his head and curling in on himself. I don’t know what to do here Mouse, I know Charles said to give him the day and space but I hate seeing him like that.” Will sighed, looking over at the forlorn figure on the couch.<br/>“Yeah, it sucks but it’s not a setback, it's a break. He has to know he’s allowed these moments or days to just readapt. He has to know he’s allowed to feel like this otherwise we know exactly what he will do instead and I personally would rather not let or watch him get that bad again.” Mouse replied before he headed off to see Jay. Will watched him go before deciding to follow and make sure Jay knew they were both there for him.</p><p>“Hey bud” Mouse started, “you want anything to eat?”<br/>He didn't get a response, Jay just moved from staring at the tv to staring at his hands.<br/>“Hey Jay? It’s Will and Mouse. Can we come closer?” Will asked, hoping he would be let in. But to no avail, Jay just pulled his arms tighter around his knees, pulling them closer into his chest, a clear sign of a no. <br/>“That’s ok. We’ll stay right here.” Will added. <br/>The two were crouched or sat on the floor either side of Jay, giving him plenty of space but also making sure he could still see them so he wouldn't be startled by any of their sudden moves.<br/>Mouse decided after five minutes of them in silence, watching Jay watch another documentary, to bite the bullet and ask the question he knew would get a response.<br/>“You need to drink Jay.” monotone, point blank. <br/>Jay just started shaking his head, his fingers picking away at the loose skin on the opposite hand.<br/>“Come on, just a glass. You were doing so well” Will chimed in.<br/>This just all made him panic and retreat more. His breathing had picked up, as he started mumbling short words and phrases, which had Will and Mouse leaning in to hear and try to understand what he was saying.<br/>“Jay?”<br/>He snapped his head up, eyes scrunching in confusion, head shaking as he stared at the two on the floor. <br/>“I-I don- I don’t know…” he managed to stutter out.<br/>“Don’t know what?” <br/>Jay just shook his head in response. He couldn’t get his thoughts in order. He didn’t know where he was, who he was, who these people in front of him were. It was like his brain, thoughts and memories had gone blank and all he knew was panic and that he didn’t want to feel trapped again.<br/>“Jay? Do you know where you are?” Will said, voice light and calm, eyes wide with panic and sorrow.<br/>Jay shook his head in response, chin quivering displaying his fear.<br/>“That’s ok. You’re in Chicago, at our apartment, it’s 2018. You’re ok, you’re home.” Will answered, a small smile coming to his face to try to calm his brother down. He watched as the tension in Jay’s face lessened slightly, “home?” he questioned hoarsely.<br/>“Yeah Jay. Home. You’re here with me, Will, your big brother and Mouse, Greg. You’re alright.” <br/>“Wh-what happened?” he stuttered “Why don't I-?” he said a sob breaking his sentence off.<br/>“Hey no, don’t worry. Breathe Jay, it’s ok. Remember, Dr Charles said that this would happen. You’ve been pushing yourself and working hard and your brain just needs a minute to catch up with what's going on, so it just shut down. Nothing to worry about, it’s normal. But I, we will repeat this for as many times as you need to hear it: you’re home, you’re ok, you’re here with me and Mouse.” <br/>Jay didn’t know what to say, nor could he find the ability to speak so just ended up looking at the two in front of him, nodding. Mouse noticed the moment of selective mutism and dipped his head to catch Jay’s eye, “you don’t have to talk ok. We’re not going to force you to do something you’re not comfortable with but can we come closer? Can we sit next to you, or hug you?” <br/>Jay didn’t know what he wanted so just replied with a shrug and a tilt of his head, his eyes going back to staring at nothing as Will and Mouse climbed up onto the couch either side of him and rested a hand on each knee. <br/>“It’s ok Jay. You’re ok, we got you.”</p><p>/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\</p><p>That night and the following day was rough for all three, neither having been in this situation before but they managed. They let Jay set the pace, he started looking at them again in the morning of the second day and speaking again midday. He had also managed a drink late that second night after watching both Will and Mouse take a few sips before him to ease his mind. <br/>Jay had woken up on the third day after, to a nightmare, yelling and lashing out at Will and Mouse before sitting on the edge of the bedframe mumbling to himself and rubbing the scars on his upper arm. This did not go unnoticed by the two men left on the floor staring up at him.<br/>“Jay? You alright?” Will pried, trying to get him to open up, Mouse caught on and edged closer.<br/>Jay flinched back “stay there, stop, please!” he cried out.<br/>“Ok, ok. I’m not moving, my hands are up, I’m sorry.” Mouse reasoned.<br/>“What’s going on Jay? How can we help?” Will asked.<br/>“I - I don’t know. Just ugh, just give me a minute.” Jay stuttered as he got up and headed to the bathroom, Will and Mouse shaking their heads at his back.</p><p>Under the fluorescent lighting of the bathroom, Jay stared at himself in the mirror. He knew how bad he looked, could see the worry and fear in Will’s and Mouse’s eyes whenever he caught them staring at him. He was trying to get better, he really was, but every moment of panic and every setback made him feel like a failure. He couldn’t even drink the other day without having a panic attack for god sake how was he supposed to do anything on his own. That’s when the anger kicked in and that voice in the back of his head started yelling at him again. <br/>‘They’re going to end up hating you soon.’<br/>‘Pathetic, cant even take care of yourself’<br/>‘You’re ruining their lives, always having to be with you instead of living their own lives’<br/>“Fuck!” he growled under his breath. He had to get better, had to, even if he was just pretending. They deserved their lives back, this wasn’t fair, they hadn’t done anything wrong so why were they being punished by having to look after him. His hands gripping the sink turned to fists as he hit them against his head before hitting and then re-gripping the sink, looking down, avoiding the mirror. <br/>“Fuck sake!” he seethed again, “come on, come on!”<br/>He had made his decision, he was going to walk out and be fine, everything was fine. He wasn't a baby, he could do this alone, they don't have to always miss out on their own lives just because he can't handle it.<br/>‘Ok, breathe. Three, two, one. Here we go’</p><p>Will and Mouse quickly turned away from the bathroom door as they heard the lock click, signaling Jay’s reappearance. When he didn’t say anything to them or come near them, they turned confused. They realised that he hadn’t come back to the bedroom and must have gone to the kitchen. Upon entering, they saw him sitting at the table, coffee in hand. Jay gave them a nod in greeting while saying “coffee’s fresh”, which gained him raised brows but no questions.<br/>“You ok?” Will asked after five minutes of silence.<br/>“Yeah, I’m fine.” he replied shortly.<br/>“Ok then. What do you fancy doing today?”<br/>“I think I’m going to go out, you do whatever.” he said with a shrug.<br/>“You sure?” Will asked, alongside Mouse’s “Sorry, what?”<br/>“Yeah.” he answered them both with a tight lipped smile as he went back to the bedroom to change.<br/>“What the hell just happened?” Will asked Mouse who sighed and hung his head. <br/>“He’s pushing us away. Idiot.” he mumbled that last part under his breath. <br/>“What are we going to do?” Will looked to Mouse for guidance, having been with Jay through some of his more stubborn moments.<br/>“Wait it out, keep an eye on him, don’t push him and just wait for him to do something more stupid. Then there will be this big argument, with him denying everything he’s feeling, then the inevitable breakdown then we can finally move on.” he answered with a slight chuckle.<br/>“You’ve been waiting for this haven’t you? You knew it would happen this way?” Will asked him with a knowing smirk.<br/>“Happens every damn time. You learn the pattern quite quickly when it's all you live with.” <br/>“Ok, so how long should we give him then?”<br/>“Honestly, I give it a day or two, maybe a week at most but he won’t be able to keep it up for long. Just got to keep a close eye on him.”<br/>They nodded their agreement, letting Jay go about how he wants to, letting him have the control but not hovering this time. Waiting to see what happens, the two head to the living room to ‘relax’ and wait for Jay to reappear.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0033"><h2>33. So What Do We Have?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I AM SO SORRY! <br/>Hi :) I have no excuses as to why this is so late - I have no idea what this chapter is - kinda a filler but also nice catch up with the intelligence unit.<br/>Please lemme know what you think and I promise I will have the next chapter up a lot quicker than this one was...</p><p>so so so sorry again, please forgive me <br/>as always any and all mistakes are my own,<br/>enjoy,<br/>Vx :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>*same time as the past couple chapters*</p><p>“So what do we have?” Voight called out to his unit. They had been working on Jay’s case alongside minor cases that got passed their way. But making Jay’s case a priority. <br/>“So we followed the car Mouse drove back from the hospital but lost them down a back alleyway, and can't find them before that so we’re working our way through warrants for all the houses on that street to find out the house they were held in.” Hailey stated.<br/>“I spoke to Mouse and he said he didn’t pay any notice to the house, just that he was focused on keeping Jay calm and getting them to a hospital.” Adam added.<br/>Voight nodded in acceptance, arms crossed over his front, “anyone heard from them?”<br/>“Yeah,” Hailey spoke up again, “Will messaged the other day saying they were getting out of the hospital and would let us know when they were up to visitors.” <br/>“Ok. Anything on Taylor? Did Mouse or Jay say anything to anyone?” Voight asked again.<br/>“No boss. Somethings up, he wouldn't be quiet for this long.” Atwater suggested.<br/>“Ok, next week we’ll give Mouse a call and ask a few questions, see if we can finally finish this once and for all.”<br/>With that the intelligence unit went back to this week's case, filing their paperwork and chasing the warrants for Jay and Mouse.</p><p>Two days later Voight called Mouse into the district, and led him in through the roll up and into his old office.<br/>“Less eyes and questions this way.” Voight told him in response to his raised brow.<br/>“Ok. So what was so urgent you called me down here for?”<br/>The two men sat down, Mouse leaning back in his old chair, Voight leaning forward resting on his knees.<br/>“Well, we’ve been trying to track where you started off from before you got to the hospital but we lost you guys pulling out of a back street. Just needed to ask you a few questions about the area because you were the most coherent and got the two of you out of there. So Mouse, do you remember what house it was you came out of? Or what the outside looked like?”<br/>Mouse tried to rack his brain to remember what the exterior looked like, “um I don’t know, can’t really remember to be honest. I was too busy trying to keep Jay awake and focus on getting us out of there. I’m sorry.”<br/>“No don’t apologise! You did all you could. But really Mouse? You don’t remember anything? Come on, you're good but you're not that good. I know when you're hiding something from me.” Voight pushed, knowing that Mouse was avoiding eye contact.<br/>“Come on, what is it?” he asked again after a further minute or so of silence.<br/>“It was a grey house, the back door was black, it didn’t have a gate, there was a messed up fence that was probably white at some point. It was a two storey house with a basement, two bedrooms and a bathroom, that's all I can remember.” Mouse said rushed with a huff at the end.<br/>“Why were you hiding it from me Mouse?” Voight asked gently, needing to know but not wanting to overstep.<br/>“I just-” he cut off with a groan “we haven’t spoken about it. Not once since we got back, not in the hospital or back home. I know what happened, well bits, but he won’t talk to me, us. It’s Jay’s place to say what and why but uh - don’t call it in when you find the house. Please.” <br/>Voight was slightly taken aback by the tone in Mouse’s voice, wanting to ask but knew it wouldn’t get him anywhere. Knowing better than to push him, Voight let it slide but would need to bring it up again in the very near future, potentially immediately after they raided the house, depending on what it was found that Mouse didn't want going over the air.<br/>“Ok Mouse. But you’re going to have to talk sooner or later. I’ll keep it all in house and I’ll cover for you as best as I can, but remember you have to tell me the whole truth so I can lie for you.”<br/>“Yeah Sarge, I remember. Thanks.”<br/>Mouse went to stand to head back to the apartment so that Voight and the unit could plan their raid on the house. They shook hands as he let him back out the roll up and watched as he walked with hands in his pockets down the street.</p><p>The next day the unit was out in the backstreet, standing outside the backyard of the house that Mouse had described. <br/>“Ok guys, no calling out, we go in quiet and nothing goes over main. This stays in house, whatever we find stays in house. Got it?”<br/>A chorus of “yes Sarge” sounded out and they all headed into their positions.<br/>Voight, Upton and Al took the downstairs and basement, Ruzek, Burgess and Atwater took upstairs.</p><p>“Ah what the hell.” Ruzek whispered, alongside Kim’s “oh God” as they entered the bedroom that they assumed Jay was staying in. The drawers were open and ransacked, the bedsheets messed as if someone just fell out of them.<br/>“Ruze, I got some blood over here.” Kim called out, catching Adam’s attention as they snapped photos of the room around them.<br/>“Think this was where they slept?” Adam asked.<br/>“I don't know, wonder what happened here. Yet at the same time I really don't want to know.” Kim replied, heart hurting looking around the room that held their friend and teammate. <br/>“I just don’t understand how it happened again? We haven’t seen him since we got him out that first time so what the hell has been going on?” he said, getting frustrated at not having anywhere near the full amount of information.<br/>“I mean, that’s not really for us to know, just all we really need to do is figure out what happened here, and how to help Jay. It’s weird, I kinda miss his stares and silent brooding around the bullpen.” Kim chuckled, Adam joining, enjoying the moment of reprieve in the middle of the shit show they found themselves in again.<br/>“Ok let's finish up in here, bag some clothes, get samples of that blood and let’s go.”<br/>“Wonder how Voight and them are getting on downstairs.”</p><p>Downstairs everyone was feeling pretty much the same, they breached the basement door with practiced ease.<br/>“Hey Sarge, I got blood over here.” Upton called out as she landed at the bottom step, moving forward following a nod from Voight.<br/>“Body.” She called out again.<br/>The three slowly moved further into the room, circling the body on the floor.<br/>“That’s Taylor,” Al pointed out, kicking the gun out to the side.<br/>“Bag that gun, take photos and notes of the place for our records.”<br/>“Think they’ll finally tell us what happened here, or will it be another guessing game?” Upton asked, just wanting her partner to be ok.</p><p>“Ok guys, finish up your notes and head back to the district, I’ll meet you all in my office.” Voight said, leading Al out and back to their car to get a head start on finding a place to keep this under wraps. </p><p>They all sat around in Voight’s office, photos and notes littering his desk and the wall behind the door.<br/>“So, we have Taylors dead body, and the gunshot wound seems to be the cause of death. Upton, you bagged the weapon, right?” she nodded, and he continued on “Atwater get that over to your buddy in forensics and get me the prints off it but tell him it’s for me and off the books, I want no traces of this until we know what we’re dealing with.” <br/>Atwater nodded his response, tapping Ruzek on the shoulder to get him to come with. <br/>“Hailey, I want you to go round to the guy’s apartment, both to make sure they’re ok and to see if you can get them to say anything to you that would help us to figure out what happened here.”<br/>“Sarge, no offence, but I think they’ll open up to you more at this point. Seems Jay is leaning away from everyone but you on this one.” Hailey voiced her concern, Voight shaking his head fondly.<br/>“I know but we need him or anyone to talk to someone else, to know they can talk to someone else.” <br/>“Alright, I’ll head over now, ring Will on the way see if a coffee run is in order.” She said smirking, them all knowing the way to Jay’s and Mouse’s hearts was through coffee.</p><p>Hank and Al sighed and looked out the door to the bullpen before looking back at each other. They both sat in comfortable silence, trying to figure out what it was they had been missing. Hank’s eye caught the empty desk of his youngest yet longest serving detective.<br/>The desk was devoid of any work, the pen holder with an American flag sticking out, his empty coffee mug with the ranger’s insignia staring back at him. He shook his head solemnly when he realised that out of all the members of his unit, Jay was the one who showed the least of himself, while everyone had family photos and comforting memorabilia surrounding their computers and desks, Jay had one flag, one mug and one photo. Curiosity getting the best of him, he rose from his chair and headed out of the office to the desk and with gentle hands, reached out to turn the frame. <br/>“Who’s that?” Voight turned to see Al peering over his shoulder, glimpsing at the photo in his friends hands.<br/>“Think it’s his mom.” Hank replied softly, looking down at the image of a young man and a woman in a tight hug. He assumed it to be his detective, many years younger in his army fatigues, arms wrapped around a woman with dark red hair, though he can’t see their faces, he can assume they have matching smiles.<br/>“He must really miss her,” Al offered up, to fill the growing silence, also understanding how close their friend plays everything to the vest.<br/>“Yeah. God kid, what else have you been through. I just wish he would actually open up to us, help us carry some of it. I can see how much he carries alone, how much he keeps in and how badly some cases hurt him but he won’t let us know. How long has he been like this? How long has he had to be?” Hank couldn’t help but wonder aloud. <br/>“Not anymore. We won’t let him this time. We got him Hank, we’re going to help. Now, come on, let's go see what Trudy found out when digging through his past.” Al finished with a smirk, knowing when momma bear Platt started looking into someone's past, she would need some support, especially if it was someone they all cared about deeply.</p><p>“Hey man, the reports in if you wanna head back over.”<br/>“Alright, be there soon.” Atwater said before hanging up the phone. “Come on Ruze, take it to go” he said, turning to Adam, picking up their coffee, heading back to their car.<br/>“What do you think it's going to show?” Adam couldn't help but find himself asking.<br/>“Don’t know man, I mean can only be one of three people but I'm leaning towards Mouse.”<br/>“Really? Nah, my money’s on Halstead. You’ve seen what he's like when someone he cares about is threatened or hurt around him.”<br/>“Yeah but what state was he in? He was drugged, I mean could he even manage a shot like that? That was a clean shot.” <br/>“Fair point.” Adam nodded in acceptance, “fancy a lovingly placed wager to lighten the mood a bit?”<br/>Atwater chuckled, shaking his head at the distasteful but knew his partner and friend meant well, “sure, 20 bucks and first round at Mollys sound good to you?” <br/>Adam whistled, “hell yeah.”</p><p>Arriving at their destination, the two officers quickly found their way to Atwater’s contact, skipping all pleasantries before grabbing the file and making their way back to the district, calling everyone in on their way.</p><p>“Listen up, we got the results back on the gun and blood we found. It says the majority of the blood collected from around the chair belongs to Mouse, other splatters collected from the chain was Jays and the blood from the body belongs to Taylor.” Kev spoke up, pointing to the photos on the board behind him.<br/>“So, the prints lifted of the gun match both Taylor and Jay, no trace of Mouse.” Adam finished off.</p><p>The group looked around at each other, Voight nodding to himself, already having guessed.<br/>“He killed him. Jay killed Taylor.”</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>